Coming Soon – The Super Mocker

It’s New Years Eve at ITGM HQ and indeed, lots of other places too. We began mocking on the 16/07/09 (or 07/16/09 to our friends who use the mm/dd/yy format) so we can’t exactly recap the last 12 months for the simple fact that we’re not 12 months old yet. We can however, look forward to the upcoming year and let you know that we have plans and that those plans are big. It’s all about evolving and evolve we shall. Next year will witness a new breed of Super Mocker and for this, we are excited. A lot of self criticism goes on at the HQ and because we’re essentially nice people, we feel our niceness has prevented us form tapping into and realising our full Mocking potential. Jill Y explain:


“Our niceness has prevented us form tapping into and realising our full Mocking potential.”

Eh, thanks for that Jill Y. Thanks for repeating, word for word, what I just said. You’re a legend! Anyway, the niceness is going to fade away and in it’s place, a newer, Super Mocker will arise. This Super Mocker will take things to a new level. At present, we offend very few people and that’s a conscious decision we made from the offset. The Super Mocker will only be happy when massive offence is taken. It should be interesting to see what happens. We’re about to start the New Year celebrations. Before we do, here’s a picture of the letter M

From all at IGTM HQ, we wish you a happy New Years Eve. Thanks to all who dropped by to play with us and leave comments and we’ll be back tomorrow for more.
Bill Y

Thank you for The Dummies

I’ve said it before but you probably weren’t listening so I’ll repeat my good self and tell you that those For Dummies books are God’s gift to us folk who need them. I began reading them at quite an early age. I think I read my first one when the umbilical cord was cut:

That book taught me so much. To be honest, I’d go as far as saying I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for it. I enjoyed and learned so much but some of it was quite hard to understand so I read another one which helped me understand how to understand it:

 

 

 

 

 

 

In school, I wasn’t very good at learning. If only someone had written a Learning For Dummies, maybe things would of been different. I always liked football when I was at school but I wouldn’t say I was a technically gifted athlete until I managed to get my hands on:

 

Unfortunately there are some things that books just can’t teach you. I remember reading two books in succession. One would take a lifetime to study, the other is The Bible:

I haven’t quite figured how how I’m going to become rich but again the books may just come to the rescue. This evening I visited the library and took out a very interesting title. I know some people with a lot of money and may have found a way for them to give it to me:

Thinking ahead, if the extortion doesn’t work out and the law thinks it’s best for me to live in a house with fellow criminals, I’ll have all the knowledge I need:

                                                                                                                                                                         

They also make unbelievable presents. Nothing says “I love you” like:

                     

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re lucky and she has a sense of humour, you could always try something like this:

Bill Y

You can fool some of the fools some of the time.

We get a bit confused with sayings sometimes. There’s one that goes something like “You can fool some of the fools some of the time but women talk and Tiger was bound to get caught sooner or later”. At IGTM, we like to look at the glass half full and wonder if Tiger is the same or does he have a different outlook on life. There are only so many ways of approaching something. Most people come under the following headings:

We wonder if Mockist could be added: "There's water in the glass so throw it over yourself and pretend it's sweat from the gym". Bill Y

Don’t hurry, be happy.

Here at It’s good to mock, we like to kick back and take things at our own leisurely pace. There’s a little known saying (little known because we only made it up a moment ago) that says “The truly relaxed in life will be bothered by very little and if they are bothered, they’ll be sufficiently chilled out to have enough time to grab a spade and dig themselves out of a hole”. Sure, it’s not as catchy as some of those well known sayings like “The Greek shall inherit the earth” or “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons” but if there’s something wrong with taking it easy, send us an email outlining the negatives and we’ll get back to you before the Millennium ends. If you find yourself getting bothered or upset over something, try mocking the bejaysus out of yourself or someone else. It may well bring a smile to your face, stabilise the world economy and teach you how to play chess. If it doesn’t work, send us an email and we’ll get back to you before the Millennium ends. Bill Y

These new games just aren’t as good as the old ones

The only thing worse than been kidnapped by Somali Pirates is going to the toy store to buy that all important board game only to realise they don’t have it in stock. I was looking for Connect Four - the classic game where the first player to get four coloured checkers in a row either horizontally, vertically or diagonally wins. I think the optimistic sales guy was on commission because he tried to convince me that they had a game in stock which was ‘something similar’ to what I asked for. I ended up buying it in the end but it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.

There was just something different about this game. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but it was as if it was somehow easier to play than Connect Four. Not to worry, I’m sure I’ll get hours of fun out of it. Bill Y

If we Keep the Faith, we’ll be alright.

At It’s good to mock, we’ve been described as many things. If you were to call us a jealous bunch of mockers who want each others Xmas pressies, you’d be spot on. Jill Y got a Magic Eraser which looked really cool. As soon as I seen it, I wanted it so I offered to swap it for a diebastarddie t-shirt. Jill Y knew the value of the t-shirt (I make them myself and there are only a select few in circulation) so she agreed and the swap was made. She was delighted but couldn’t understand why I wanted the Magic Eraser so much. I explained to her that I was going to see how ’magic’ the eraser was by trying to erase all traces of Bon Jovi and delight fans of real music, worldwide. Only time will tell if I’m successful. In the meantime, if you have any ideas on ridding the world of Bon Jovi, please let us know asap at itsgood@itsgoodtomock.com You’ll be helping to make the world a better place for generations to come and will always have a place in our hearts. Thank you so much. Bill Y

The Fellowship of the Wizards of Bono

According to the great knower of stuff, Prof. Noah Tall, charity first began in 1984 when an Irish musician couldn’t find an elastoplast but found a Band Aid instead. No one knows exactly how or why but it rained that year. With the rain came the usual question: “Why can’t it rain in impoverished third world countries and allow their crops to grow and feed the world?” The Irish Musician, been both Irish and a Musician was smarter than those who weren’t Irish and Musicians. Being Irish and a Musician myself, I know this to be true. The Irish Musician knew of a small body of water connecting Ireland to it’s nearest neighbours, commonly known as The UK. This body of water, aka ‘The Sea’ acted like a bridge connecting Irish Musicians to non Irish Musicians and the modes of transport favoured most were boats and planes. The Irish Musician travelled to the UK, met a Scottish Musician and together formed a collective of like minded Musicians called ‘The Fellowship of the Musicians’. Together they set out on their quest to find Bono but they ignored the prophecy which states: “Always be careful what you wish for as you may just end up with Bono.”


On their journey, they bumped into a cowardly Lion who said “I’m too scared to be a Lion”. The Fellowship invited the Lion to join them on their quest because as everybody knows, Bono can cure cowardice as well as help whiten your teeth and cure ham. They continued on their journey and met a Scarecrow who found it hard to communicate as he had no brain. The Scarecrow was invited along to find Bono because as everybody knows, Bono is the founder of the Scarecrows Without Brains Foundation. They continued on their journey and it wasn’t long until they met up with a Tin Man who didn’t have a heart. The Tin Man was invited along because as everybody who plays cards knows, Bono is the King of Hearts.


They continued on their travels and eventually found Bono but as it turned out, he was chatting with his best friend Mel Gibson and as everybody knows, Mel Gibson is a couple of months short of a calendar. They immediately hid in the trees until Gibson was gone and surprised Bono with something he could not say no to – liquorice and as everybody knows Bono will do anything for liquorice. It was at that moment that Bono agreed to give the Lion some courage, the Scarecrow a brain and the Tin Man a heart. Over a few beers later on, he also agreed to save the world. Unfortunately after saving the world, he just wouldn’t go away. So the question we are left with is: Was saving the world worth it, if we’re stuck with Bono? Some might say Yes, but the majority would say No.

Mocking around the Christmas tree

I’ve heard it said more than once that Christmas is not the same as it used to be, that the real spirit of the season is not adhered to and that there’s too much commercialisation involved. To these people, I say – "If it was so much better in the past, why don’t you live in the past and carry on the traditions of the past. No one asked you to change your belief system or alter your ways." For me, Christmas is all about sitting around the Christmas tree and mocking the bejaysus out of each other. We have a saying in our house “He who mocks loudest, leaves proudest”. It just so happens that I leave proudest each year but then again I was born to mock the boat!

Don’t mind necessity, we are the mothers of invention

Here at It’s good to mock, we like to make things from things. Jill Y bought some  earphones with the intention of giving them to her Sister for Xmas but nothing is what it seems round these parts. Jill Y is a fairly smart cookie. Rather than giving them as a present, she decided to keep them for herself but that was only because she read on the box that they were ‘noise cancelling earphones’. She only went and adapted them to cancel out the noise that comes from her boss, every time he opens his mouth. As I said, pretty smart stuff. We like to think of ourselves as more than just mockers. As a collective, we sometimes turn our hand to inventing but it doesn't always go according to plan. Our last invention was a little game we called ‘Round Leather Manipulation’. We stitched 32 panels of waterproof leather in a spherical polyhedron. Next we got 22 people and split them into two teams of 11 and let them manipulate the round leather spherical polyhedron, mainly with their feet. The object of the game was to move it into a physical structure which is surrounded by a net and guarded by a person. This would count as 1 Manipulation and the team who gets the most manipulations in a 90 min game, wins. We were really happy with Round Leather Manipulation until some organisation called FIFA brought it to our attention that they were in charge of something called ‘Soccer’ and that our game was apparently too similar to this Soccer thingy. I suppose it serves us right for not copyrighting the game. We had big plans too. We were going to release Round Leather Manipulation 09’ as a video game and become rich. I guess that will have to wait until after Xmas but I have high hopes for our next invention. I can’t say too much about it right now in case somebody steals the idea. Lets just say it involves a car driven by a person whose job is to take passengers where they want to go in exchange for money. We haven't got a name for it yet but we’ll probably go with ‘Passenger Pay’ or something like that. Until then, we remain non rich but with this idea, it’s only a matter of time before we go global. Bill Y

Don't spend your chickens until he gets you to the other side

I’m not a big fan of that whole Alexander Graham Bell, “When one door closes, another door opens” school of thought. Why wait for one door to close before opening another? Is it not better to open as many doors as possible at the same time? There’s a popular idiom - “When the cat's away, the mice will play”. I don’t know too many cat’s or indeed mice but I would imagine there are plenty of well adjusted mice who just want to relax while the cat's away. Why paint all the mice with the same accusation? Plato was fond of saying “Don't count your chickens before they are hatched”. Why didn’t he say “Don’t spend your wages before you get paid” or “Don’t pay the ferryman until he gets you to the other side”. I think it’s time to give back to the world. Allow me to present my own take on words “If you don’t laugh at life, it will kick you in the head”. Please note, it’s not meant to be taken literally. Don’t worry, If you don’t laugh at life, it’s not actually going to kick you in the head but one day a religion will be based on those few words and a good day it will be too! Bill Y

Rage Against The Machine, The Cowell and The Minority

For the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby last night. The world was a place I was happy to be in and it was all thanks to Rage Against The Machine. Defeating Simon Cowell was not just defeating the tacky conveyor belt music machine known as the X Factor. It was a rally call where the voice of the few banded together to overcome the voice of the mundane majority. For good measure, we get to hear musicians at the very top of their game play an amazing song. RATM don’t use loops and samples to make their music like so many of today’s so called Musicians do. When you see these guys play live, you ‘see’ them play live and what you see is what you hear. There’s a certain purity in their music, so missing in most music today. Although it’s possible to study how Tom Morello sounds like he has four hands when he plays guitar, it’s best not to. Instead, just listen and enjoy his brilliant technique. So tonight, I will sleep like a baby again but not before I start my Facebook campaign to rid the world of Bon Jovi. RATM, you’re a band with a social conscience and I need your help! Bill Y

Rage against the Cowell

When the world hates you, you expect the worse to happen. When it constantly happens, your sense of humour buys a one way ticket to Tajikistan and vows never to return. Next, the voices in your head start to make the major decisions – Tayto or King, Ketchup or Mayo, expressions of hatred for Bon Jovi in Letter or Email form. Yesterday was a day like all others. I woke full of despair about the future of society and went back to sleep the same way. Today however, I am overjoyed. Today, the sun shines it’s rays on the darkness of hope. News from overseas has arrived which filled me with what I’m led to believe is called ‘Joy’. The news was in the form of a headline in a newspaper. The headline exclaimed:

‘Rage Against The Machine has beaten 'X Factor' winner Joe McElderry to the UK Christmas Number One spot with its 1993 song 'Killing In The Name’.

Take a look at what happiness is all about:



Bill Y

Google Therapy

Do you ever wonder if you’re been treated as a doormat? Well, if you constantly hang around doors and look up to find people walking on you, chances are that you are.

Have you ever wondered if your partner is the right person for you? If your partner introduces you to someone who tells you that they are engaged to your partner, then it’s probably time to go find someone else.

Do you ever think you drink too much beer? If you wake up in a pub wearing an ‘I heart beer’ t-shirt, covered in ‘I heart beer’ tattoos and realise that you’ve changed your name to a beer related product, you do indeed drink too much beer.

If you’ve answered ‘Yes’ to one or more of the above questions, you have issues but worry not as there is a solution to your problems, your brothers problems and your brothers neighbours uncles problems. The answer my friend is: Google. Google knows everything. One of the bestest things about Google is that it isn’t afraid to hurt your feelings. For example, If you type ‘it's good to mock: You're not the boss of me now’. It will tell you some good stuff about a damn good blog. Bill Y

Scare the ruck out of them

I know nothing about nuclear physics and only a little more about Rugby. I know the French rugby club Stade Francais are a French rugby club. I know Rugby is a physical contact sport. I know Rugby involves harassing the opposition at every opportunity and every advantage counts. I don’t understand why the Stade Francais rugby jersey is pink (the girliest of colours). The colour pink hardly puts the fear of god into or scares the bejaysus out of anyone. Maybe the idea is to massively confuse the opposition into a relaxed pink state of mind and then deliver a sucker punch. I know years ago, pink was considered masculine and blue was considered feminine but how am I supposed to know what colour dress to buy for my 12 nieces – Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas. Matthew, James, Thaddaeus, Simon and Judas! Bill Y

You’re not the boss of me now.

Hello Boss, it’s Bill Y. I know I’ve used up all my sick days and that’s why I’m calling in dead. I’ve been working so hard that I’ve decided to leave this world. I won’t be able to provide a doctors note as they don’t do them down here. I can provide an autopsy report which shows that it was work that caused me to travel to this place of suffering and turmoil. There are some familiar faces here including an Austrian dude who was the leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and the guy who didn’t sign The Beatles. There’s picture frames on the wall of people who’ll be joining me soon and I’m told there’s a nice warm place for you so I reckon I’ll be seeing you soon enough. Until then, please don’t miss me too much. Bill Y

It's Christmas time, there's need to be afraid.

4+6 is 10
5+1 is 6
Clichés + It’s good to mock do not get on.
Smalltalk + IGTM do not get on.

I’m not sure why but lately we’re becoming grumpy little mockers. Things that never bothered us before are are starting to bother the bejaysus out of us. It could be listening to people who use clichés. It could be listening to people use small talk. It could be merely listening to people or maybe it’s Christmas.

It was about 51 weeks ago since Grandma got run over by a reindeer and I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the same time, Santa looked a lot like Daddy and Daddy looked a lot like him. I think it all goes back to my childhood, when I woke up one late Christmas Eve to see someone who looked a lot like Daddy kissing Santa Claus after running over Daddy’s Mother on a reindeer. At the same time, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed 8 Budweiser Clydesdale Horses being run over by a train of brightly lit Coca~Cola trucks to the sound of  “Holidays are coming, holidays are coming”. It was precisely at this moment, I noticed my now traumatised Niece looking out her window at all this chaos saying “Santy” in a whimpering muffled voice. Maybe I could be blowing this out of all proportion but then again, I’m not one to over exaggerate! Bill Y

Expect nothing from me and I promise not to let you down.

Sometimes it’s hard to maintain standards. Each day I go to work and I strive to be as useless as possible. Experience has taught me that this is the way to be. The last time I took the initiative (I think it was 1998) my boss told me I had to continue to be that productive every day and this wasn’t possible because it was just a one off massive fluke. It took me ages to convince her that I was a really bad employee and not to expect anything except mediocrity from me. It’s the same with buying presents for people. If you buy someone a very expensive present, they’ll expect a very expensive present, next time. For this reason, my presents consist of a printed t-shirt with the words ‘diebastarddie’ on it. I’ve just fixed my t-shirt printing machine so if you’re on my Xmas list, you should be receiving yours shortly. You may thank me in advance. Bill Y

The question holds the answer

Mixing/Blending/Layering/Insert own word. I think I may have stumbled across the answer to everything. I was making a sandwich and the answer decided to visit for a brief moment. The answer pointed to the sandwich, nodded with a smile, shook my hand and was gone. Although no words were exchanged, I was filled with an all consuming feeling of contentment. At that moment I had the answer to life’s big question and it all made so much sense. And then I woke up! I was disgusted when I realised it was only a dream and I can’t for the life of me, remember the answer. Not only do I not remember the answer, I don’t even remember the question. To think I was this close (to something) is so annoying. Now I’m just back to square one, mocking the bejaysus out of everything that’s a thing. Santa, if you know what the answer or indeed what the question is, please give it to me for Christmas. I promise to be a good little mocker. Bill Y

Everyone’s a comedian, well everyone except us.

At It’s good to mock, we’re somehow under the illusion that we’re sometimes funny. To showcase this, we thought we’d write some jokes and ask for your opinion. Unfortunately, the writing has proved more difficult than expected. After knocking our noggins together for a day, we came up with the following which may not make you jump around in hysterics:

Q. How many Drummers does it take to paint a Mars Bar?
A. It depends on the size of the Mars Bar!

We weren’t happy with this at all so we locked ourselves in a room and surfaced six hours later with:

Q. How many bones does a grown up have?
A. The largest grown up crocodile has 250 bones!

As you can imagine, we weren’t over the moon with this one either so we slept on it and spent the following day coming up with:

Q. What do you call a man with a roof on his head?
A. Dead!

If this experience has taught us anything, it’s that we’re not funny at all. I suppose we have should be happy that we didn’t call the blog It’s good to joke! Bill Y

Sometimes you have to give something back

Every now and again at It’s good to mock, we decide to give something back to society. We do this by creating new sayings which eventually become part of everyday language. Are we looking for credit for this? No, not at all. We’re just happy to do our bit for the greater good. Previous sayings have included “Well your sister had no problem doing it” and “If I’m gone in the morning when you wake up, I had to put the cat out. Please close the door when you leave”. If it’s a case that you’ve never found yourself quoting either of these, don’t worry as the time will surely come when you will. And so, we turn our attention to our latest creation which will soon be appearing in places that begin with A and end with Z. We present our very latest offering “I know you say you’re a woman but that beard says different”. Unfortunately, If you find yourself in a position where you have to say these words, you’re going to have to make your own way out of it! Bill Y

I don’t know very much at all.

It must be hard to know stuff. It must be hard to know stuff and have a burning desire to tell people that you know stuff. Don’t get me wrong, if it wasn’t for the for dummies series of books, I would know even less than I know now and that’s not very much at all. What bothers me is that anyone can claim to be an expert in a given field and decide to share their ‘wealth’ of  knowledge with an unsuspecting public. A public who might just accept the views of a moronic muppet who received an iphone from his parents and decides to declare himself a technology expert. Still, I suppose you could always read understanding moronic muppets with an iphone for dummies. Bill Y

No news is good news

I’ve started questioning everything . It’s been happening since yesterday and I don’t know why. For some reason, I have a smart alec answer for everything. In work, one of the grown ups came out with one of the classics - “There is no I in Team”. No sooner had she finished infecting my ears with such crap, than I barked back - “There is if you’re dyslexic”. I just couldn’t help myself. During the same conversation, she blurted out another cliché  - “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”. This time I growled “I know someone who owns a pub who has given me many a free lunch”. Neither of these responses were anything close to being clever but I just had to have my say. The worst was yet to come. This morning as I was on my way to the office, a guy asked me if I wanted a free newspaper. He was just doing his job and certainly didn’t deserve - “Free? You call this free? Just because money doesn’t exchange hands, doesn’t mean I’m not going to pay for reading this. The articles in newspapers these days are filled with nothing but doom and gloom and it’s a fact that positive images and thoughts promote health and well being. The opposite is also true so I’d be paying with bad health and a shorter lifespan, if I read your so called free paper! So, stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and please tell me someone is going to plant a tree to replace those destroyed to produce this bad news” Again, I know the poor guy didn’t deserve it but I was heading to face the boss and another day of damned clichés. I'll apologise to him tomorrow.

Tree Hugger Bill Y

Sport Bill Y

X amount of years ago when he was in little school, little Bill Y attempted to play a sport called Hurling.

NB: For those not from Ireland where it is mainly played or those who are not familiar with it, Hurling is an amazing sport played with a stick (hurley) and a leather ball (sliotar). The object of the game is to hit the sliotar with the hurley between the opponents goalposts, either over the crossbar (one point) or under the crossbar into a net guarded by a goalkeeper for one goal, which is equivalent to three points. Hurling is thought to be the world's fastest field team sport in terms of game play and is very similar to Lacrosse but the players aren't padded.

Bill Y picked up the hurley for the first time and was wondering if he was holding it right. All of a sudden he was the recipient of a smack in the head and fell to the ground. I won’t bore you with the hospital details, suffice to say there is a permanent mark on the Y head to remind of the fun of that day. The lesson learned was not that Hurling is a dangerous sport (well okay, it is a dangerous sport) but that 8 year old kids not wearing protective headgear when confronted with other 8 year old kids and a stick, is a dangerous sport!

Bill Y

How many frogs does it take to make the Government a laughing joke?

We start the post with “Arrrgh”

That purple dinosaur bothers the bejaysus out of me. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t relate to him. Then again, I’m not a child aged 1-5.  I think the Irish Government think we’re all children aged 1-5.  Why else would they spend €125,000 of our money on a report to count the number of frogs in the country and expect us to be okay with it? Just in case you think these words are playing mind games with you, I’ll repeat them again. The Irish Government have spent €125,000 on a report to count the number of frogs in Ireland! When I say frogs, I don’t mean people of the same nationality as the lying, cheating, dog aka Thierry Henry. I mean the amphibians with moist skin and long legs who live in wet habitats. We’re in the middle of the worst recession since the last one and taxpayers are footing the bill for counting frogs. I never thought anything could make me embarrassed to be Irish but our Government have come close and as a result, I’m filled with disgust.

We end the post with “Arrrgh”

Bill Y

Brilliant? Be careful what you wish for, you just might get me!

I’m always right. It’s not easy being me but I’m kind of used to it at this stage. One of the main problems with always being right is that you’re never wrong and that’s not an easy thing to live with. As you can imagine, it sometimes irritates the less brilliant people out there who are rarely right. To make the less brilliant feel less bad about their shortcomings, I sometimes purposely mess things up. I do have to cover my ‘I am so unbelievably brilliant’ tattoo and this is easily done however sometimes it’s hard not to let your guard own when surrounded by average folk. If you do see me acting average, please be aware that I am so much better at being average than you and everyone else. Actually not only am I more unbelievably brilliant than most average people, I’m more unbelievably brilliant at being average than most people. I could continue saying words but am afraid that my brilliance might overwhelm you. For instance, did you know that inaccurate facts are as trustworthy as factual inaccuracies? Bill Y

The motto says a lotto

There’s been something bothering us lately at Its good to mock HQ. Our motto is To mock the bejaysus out of everything that moves. Lately we’ve been thinking that there are certain things that don’t actually move and we really should be mocking these too. With that in mind we put our creative hats on and left out the “that moves” bit at the end. We were then left with To mock the bejaysus out of everything. That should of been the end of it but we were aware that we may have caused offence in the past so we put our hats back on and came up with To mock the bejaysus out of everything without offending. I know, it’s real Little House on the Prairie stuff but Laura Ingalls would be impressed. (if you’re not sure who Laura is, do the Google thing) Now that that’s out if the way, we turn to today’s mock.

Have you ever ended up on a blog only to be greeted with the blogger apologising for not having updated the site in a while? You have? Well you wouldn’t be the first and most likely won’t be the last. There is NO (note the capital letters) reason not to update your blog. You could be off doing charity work in a country that has poor internet access. Maybe you were visiting your great great grandmother with the beard who’s on her sickbed. Perhaps you’ve found yourself liking sheep more than the next person. As the big letters of a few sentences ago mention, there is NO excuse not to update your blog. If you’re going to be busy, future date your posts. Build up a number of posts in advance and schedule them to publish at whatever intervals are necessary. If I was to make excuses for not blogging, I would probably go for something like:

• Sorry I haven’t posted for a while. The itch has spread to my man bits and I had to see a specialist.
• Apologies for not updating the blog for the last couple of weeks.  You won’t believe what happened. Someone ran off with my fingers. I turned away for one moment and then they were gone. You just can’t trust anyone these days. I’ve had to use my neighbours fingers to type these words.
• I haven’t written a post here since last month because I’ve been busy with the police. I told the them it wasn’t me but just someone that happened to look like me. Then they went on about fingerprints, eye witnesses and lie detector tests. It was kind of hard to convince them after that.
• It’s been 16 days since my last post. I’ve been to Munich, Germany and experienced Oktoberfest. Now I know what a real hangover is all about.
• The sky fell down and it took me ages to put it back up.

       Bill Y

I like beef

The internet is full of stuff. Some of it is good. Some of it is bad. Portions of it are brilliant. We’re going to park our mocking tendencies aside for a rare brief moment, bask in our inadequacy and marvel at a clip which is bound to become a classic. From the genius of rathergood.com prepare to be astounded by ‘I like Beef’. Bill Y

When you're a head, stay ahead.

In a perfect world, we’d all head off on a holiday every two weeks to recharge the parts of the body that insist on been recharged elsewhere. Unfortunately, due to having less disposable income, we’re taking far less holidays than we used to and because of this we have to be more selective about the destinations we choose. While the sun kissed beach resorts will always attract visitors, the more adventurous traveller may want to look into visiting my head. Although my head is off the beaten track and may appeal more to student backpackers on a budget, than normal people, it does have a lot of thoughts which you can engage and question.

Situated just above my shoulders, my head is surrounded by an ear to the left and an ear to the right. The top is covered by a protein filament that grows through the epidermis from follicles deep within the dermis which is called hair. It is this hair that helps prevent heat loss. The temperature of my head is regulated by the hypothalamus. It is advisable to bring warm clothes in case the hypothalamus decides it doesn’t want to do it’s thing.

The capital city is called Mass Confusion. Although the currency of my head is stuff, the locals been known to trade in insults.

The best way to enjoy a stress free trip is to plan ahead for every eventuality. If you’re planning a visit, please note, you will need vaccinations for sarcasm prior to travelling. Even if you think you are immune to sarcasm, it is highly advisable to contact your GP as a heavy dose of sarcasm totally changes your outlook on daily life.
From Musicians who can’t play musical instruments to Poets who can’t spell, my head has something for everyone. Ryanair have 2 flights daily which fly to other peoples heads. From there, it is only a 25 hour drive to my head. Recent visitors have this to say about their stay:

• “Head? More like Headache!” Grace from Dublin

• “This guys head is so messed up, it made us feel wanted at the beginning and then just ignored us and pretended we didn’t exist.” Girlfriends of Tiger Woods.

• “I had to leave early as the locals wouldn’t stop laughing. Each time one of them said “when you’re a head”, another would say “stay ahead”. That’s not even funny but they were in hysterics, every single time and there were 21, 387 times!” Butcher Boy Bob from Athy, Co. Kildare.

Further details on visits to my head can be found by visiting websites and stuff. Bill Y

Please allow me to spell it out for you

Most people are good at something and one day I’ll probably figure out if I’m good at something too. I wish I was better at those word games where you rearrange the letters of one word to make another. For example, the 7 letter word ramanag gives you anagram. It only took me an hour to get that one and my confidence began to get confident. I then worked on a 9 letter word which took a little longer. The word was republish and the answer was publisher. I was beginning to think I knew everything at this stage and I decided to try my hand at multiple words. Little did I realise that this one was going to take two full days, The words were A Cad Eighteenth Girly Gory Shiny In and the answer was Thierry Henry is a lying cheating Dog. Bill Y

Taking the homemade lemonade out of people

Here at it’s good to mock HQ, we like some things and we dislike other things. We like taking the homemade lemonade out of people. Actually, we like it a lot and next to raining on Bon Jovi’s parade (please don’t get massively confused and think that there is an actual Bon Jovi parade ‘cause there’s not - I hope). There’s no better feeling than watching someone who has taken a heavy dose of mocking, turn around and give it right back to the mocker. If you find yourself in the position of been rightly mocked, the following advice may just help. Standing up for yourself and mocking the mocker can be a work of art if done properly. Conversely, if handled without skill, you can look laughably pathetic. Here’s some do’s and definitely do not’s:

1) Clichés – Repeat 1000 times ‘Clichés are never ever acceptable’. The one thing you need to remember with mockers is, if you give them an inch they’ll take a mile. You may feel like a fish out of water and want to upset the applecart however patience is a virtue so don’t jump the gun by spouting the obvious. Use your imagination and be creative with your choice of words and pretty soon they’ll know whose kettle of fish their goose is cooked in.

2) Confidence – You may well be shaking inside at the constant attention the mocker pays you but that doesn’t mean you have to advertise it. Facial expressions are great in that they can hide a multitude of sins. If you end up been at the end of a marathon mocking and you just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, don’t sulk like the whole of Ireland after being knocked out of the World Cup by the lying, cheating, dog, aka Thierry Henry. Instead just smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by... If you smile, with your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just..light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just... smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by... if you smile, through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile... that's the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just smile.

3) Don’t fart farts of fear – This is just asking for trouble and you’ll find you’ve just become a mocking buffet. If this happens, all hope is lost and you may well find that the time in the gym has been well spent as you run Usain Bolt like, to the nearest exit.

4) Don’t soil yourself – For the love of God and the sake of the nasal passage, just don’t go there. If you do end up here, Game Over. Purchase a shovel and head to the nearest cemetery because you’ve just dug your own grave. Have a happy next life. The End. Bill Y

Painting everyone with a different brush

I like people but it just so happens that not everyone does. A friend of mine doesn’t like people. She says “People are so weird and should come with a ratings system tattooed on their forehead”. I was curious about how a ratings system would work with people and asked her to clarify. I cant remember word for word what she said but it went something like this:

• You could use a colour ratings system such as:

• Yellow: General Audiences – This person is mundanely average and boring and will more than likely say words heard in The Wizard of Oz.

• Green: Parental Guidance Suggested – This person is average but may use words such as hell or Bon Jovi which may not be suitable for children.

• Brown: Parents Strongly Cautioned – This person is stable but may have started to understand the value of Mocking. 

• Purple: Restricted – This person needs to be watched and is probably a Daniel O’Donnell fan. Proceed slowly and carry a stick, just in case.

• Red: Danger – This person should not be spoken to and is probably as unstable as a table with one and a half legs. 

• Really Red – This person is probably a Film Director who will marry his 14 yr old step daughter. 

While I don’t agree with my friend, I do understand where she’s coming from and it does make a certain amount of sense. I won’t say what colour she gave me. Let’s just say she described me “as stable as a chair balancing on a table while running a marathon". Bill Y

Funny but not funny

Flood (not Colm)

People have been telling me that I’ve been quite funny lately. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve caught some sort of heightened Super Funny virus. Please don’t think I’m joking. I haven’t been able to sleep  as I keep laughing at the thoughts running around in my vacant head. It used to be a good thing. If something bad happened, I would use humour to turn it into a positive, laugh at it and it would all be good. That was then. Back then I had a choice. I could choose to use humour as a mechanism to sort all sorts of things out. These days, I don’t have a choice. You could tell me something really serious and I will immediately have to battle the funny thoughts running around my head. Here’s one example:

In the west of Ireland, there have been some disastrous floods lately, which have caused great distress to families and people have been forced to evacuate their homes. Over the weekend, due to work, I had reason to familiarise myself with these events. Immediately, the thoughts in my head started telling me that they know a guy called Colm Flood who is surrounded by a family of Floods and is used to being in the company of Floods. This of course didn’t help anyone but do you think I could get the funny thoughts out of my head to let the serious thoughts in? If you’re in any doubt, the answer is No.

This is just one of many examples I could mention. I’ve been trying to scare the bejaysus out of the funny thoughts and exercise the demons by listening to carefully selected music. Yesterday I played Leonard Cohen’s ‘A singer must die’ which is a song that would depress a hyena. Rather that depress the funny thoughts, the song made them dance ecstatically as if they never had to work another day in their life. Not only that but they began to change the lyrics and title of the song. By the end of the track, they had renamed the song to ‘You better get used to us Bill Y ‘cause we’re here for good’. It’s not easy to deal with such stubborn thoughts. I think I’m just going to have to put up with them for now but I’m a resourceful animal and I will have the last laugh.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It’s good to mock accepts no responsibility for any floods, living or dead who appeared in the above post. For what it’s worth, Colm is real. I know it looks like a made up name but it isn’t. Seriously, it isn’t. Don’t think I’m kidding ‘cause I’m not. What do you mean you don’t believe me? Do you think all names are sensible? If so, you should talk to my friend Katrina Hurricane. Bill Y

I'm no Scientist but I have an old abacus out the back

Some time ago, I posted a list of the people I admire. It wasn’t a very long list and consisted of:

1) Myself

It took me four hours to come up with that list. Today I’ve been working on a different list. Today I’m working on a list of people who aren’t me. So far I have:

1) Everybody (except me)

Because I don’t know everybody, it’s going to be pretty hard to list the total number of living humans on earth at a given time. The last time I counted, there were 6,899,182,128 brothers & sisters of the planet. I counted them one by one. As you can imagine, this took a certain amount of time out of my day and by the time I was finished, I was tired. I’m pretty good with an abacus and was happy enough with my calculation but just to make sure, I counted again and this is where I ran into a problem. When I finished counting I got a very different number – 6,800,183,918. I was so sure that my initial calculation was correct and then it dawned on me. It’s something I should of realised straight away. Both of my calculations were correct. The reason, the second number was bigger is because more people were born since my initial calculation. One problem out of the way, only for another to arise. I was now happy with the number of people but how the bejaysus am I going to list all their names? Bill Y

Stuck in the middle of a decision.

Today I faced a dilemma. It wasn't a dilemma of mass proportions. It wasn't a dilemma that was going to cause any harm to the world but it was something which caused me a degree of distress. There I was on my way to work, waiting for the bus as I normally do. The bus wasn’t in any particular hurry but I was and I didn't know if I should wait at that bus stop or walk to the next one which would get me nearer to my destination and within walking distance of where I needed to be. I eventually decided to walk to the next stop and the inevitable happened. I was halfway between two stops when I seen the bus race towards me rapidly. What was I to do? Should I head back to the initial stop or run to the next one? The empty space between my head couldn't figure out if I was closer to the last stop or the next one. I was aware that time was against me and that I had to make my decision hastily but was massively confused. I'm usually good under pressure but this situation was getting more out of control by the second. Was I to:

a) Go ahead to the next stop
b) Turn around and go back to the first stop

Little did I realise, the answer was:

c) neither of the above - put your hand out and get a taxi

It was a loaded situation. It didn’t matter if I went forwards or backwards, I was going to miss the bus anyway. Bill Y 's Law states:

“As the world hates you, you're always going to make the wrong decision so ignore the choices and invent a new way around the problem or else you’re as lost as the sky is high”.

Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s cool to have a Law named after you ‘cause it’s not! Bill Y

The empty space between my head is into funky designer chairs like these.

Going to work and pretending I’m a mature, responsible, semi-reasonable person who gives a damn about stuff is starting to tire me out. The empty space between my head needs to relax and has cultivated a taste for chairs. I’m not talking about normal everyday chairs. The empty space between my head is into funky designer chairs like these:

I'm as broke as a spoke in a wheel with broken spokes and can't afford any of these chairs but that's not what bothers me. What scares the bejaysus outta me is the third chair that the empty space between my head has chosen. It differs to the other chairs in that it's an electric chair. I can only assume that the empty space between my head is trying to tell me something but I can't quite figure out what it is! Bill Y

Massively confusing error messages Part 2

Yesterday, I was telling you about the very unusual, specific Windows error messages I’ve been getting. The messages are personal and seem to be picking on me. Without going into a massively long story, I obtained a copy of an expensive program without using money. No sooner had I started the program, when the following flashed up on my screen:

I started to panic and attempted to purchase the program but as you can see form the message, the ‘Purchase’ option wasn’t highlighted. I pressed it a few times anyway, hoping it would work and next of all, this one appeared:

I wanted to apologise but the message wouldn’t let me choose that option and I began to sweat. I just wanted to be left alone. A couple of seconds later, I get this one:

I wanted to send a cheque but the message didn’t give me that option. At this stage I didn’t know what to do so I just turned the computer off. This is the first time I’ve turned it on since then and I am bricking it.
Bill Y