One of these things is doing it’s own thing, one of these things just isn’t the same.

Christmas is just over and already Jill Y is talking about next years festivities. She won’t mind me telling you that she’s not the best cook in the world. I could go as far as saying that Jill Y is to cooking what Paris Hilton is to classiness but that would be mean so I won’t. She’s threatening to roast the turkey next year but I’m massively scared of the damage she could do in undertaking such a mammoth task.  That’s why I’ve created a little test to see if she knows what a turkey actually looks like:

Essential products for good Christian living Part 546

We’re simple folk at It’s good to mock HQ. We never claim to know anything because it’s important not to get carried away with things and be under the illusion that we’re anything other than massively confused about the world we live in. We’re very relaxed in our blissful ignorance and have come to terms with our limitations. We like to think we’re a helpful collective and although Jill Y is a Scientist, she understands that not everyone wants to believe in science and that Creationists believe that life on this planet was created by a special unique act of God. That’s why, each day after mass, you can find her selling the following eye and ear guards:

Fact of fiction? You decide

This one's for Jill Y. When I told her there was a book called 'The Policeman is your friend and other lies' by Ned Beaumont, she was convinced I was telling porkies. In all fairness, I have an overactive imagination and it kind of does sound like something I would make up. Having said that, if I made up the title of the book, I went the extra mile  to make up the name of the supposed author. If that wasn't enough, I went another extra mile and read her an editorial review of this so called fictional piece of fiction:
 
The sneering cops on the beat, the robotic federal agents, the condescending judges who dole out years of jail time for petty offenses, the narrow-minded teachers who do their best to snuff out creativity and resourcefulness - these are the liars and deceivers of American society who have fastened themselves to our necks like obscene vampires in search of an ongoing supply of free sustenance. They deserve to be exposed, ridiculed, and replaced - and Ned Beaumont has begun this process by providing this book.

At this stage she was slowly coming around to believing me so I thought it was time to produce my trump card. I picked up the laptop and there before her very eyes, was a picture of the book:




She quite rightly said that with the help of Photoshop, I could have easily made the picture up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out (without Google!) if such a book exists.

The page(boy) cannot be found

It was Saturday and Sugartastic Daddy John’s neighbours, sisters, mothers, fathers, son was getting married to Thirsty Dave’s sister. Little Dill Y was the page boy but we couldn’t find him anywhere. I told Jill Y the page could not be found and she started laughing because she was thinking the same thing that I was thinking:


 

When in doubt, turn to alcohol

Each evening when Jill Y and I come home from our daily adventures, we sit down and teach each other something. It doesn’t matter if it’s something big like the language of the ancient African tribes of the Omo Valley region of Southern Ethiopia or something Homer said. As you can imagine, I’m usually the one who quotes Homer and sometimes Lisa and Bart too. We’re fairly open minded individuals and were discussing how we were going to teach religion to Little Dill Y who’s now 5 but will be 6 on his next birthday. After 9 hours of intense discussion, we both realised we needed alcohol to help us come to an agreement. Copious amounts of alcohol later and we came up with a perfect solution:

State of play

Two years ago when Little Dill Y was 3, he was such an uncomplicated and focussed little guy. He was going to sleep one night and I asked him about what he was going to do the following day. He got some pen and paper and done this:





A mere two years on and he remains such an uncomplicated and focussed little guy. Yesterday he woke up and told us he had a dream where he was Superman:





As impressed as we are about his progress, we were thinking he was getting a bit too serious about things so we sat down to watch something light hearted and put on ‘The Wizard of Oz’. This morning he woke up and told us he had a dream about it. Although we like that he’s an uncomplicated and focussed little guy and we always encourage him to form his own opinions, he might of got the wrong message from the film:

Santa isn’t real

From  myself and the rest of the collective at It’s good to mock, Jill Y, Little Dill Y, Sugartastic Daddy John and Thirsty Dave, we would like to wish a happy Christmas to Mockers everywhere and just because it’s Christmas, it doesn’t mean we’re not going to continue to tell it like it is:

Of all the crazy dumb ass things I’ve seen, this has got to be the most ridiculous

I've been lied to before and I've been lied to again. For years, I've been led to believe that women don't fart or belch. Last night Jill Y done both! My entire belief system has changed and now I'm left with trust issues insofar as I don't think I can ever trust a woman again. Although this is such a heavy burden to live with, it pales into into significance compared to what happened this afternoon. Jill Y bought some new technical device which allows her to find where I hide the credit card. After some wrestling and some extra special loving, we agreed that she can go out and buy one item but that it can’t be shoes. She only has 3, 345 pairs of shoes so the deal was that she can buy anything except more of the same. She came home massively excited and couldn't wait to show me what she got and lo and behold, it wasn’t exactly shoes but shoes definitely had a part to play in it. I've never been left speechless before but this has just confused me to the max:

Those Care Bears have a lot more going for them than I first thought

I don’t quite know how it happens but it happens and happens a lot. For no apparent reason, Jill Y loses all sense of reason and calls me things that even a reasonable person who knows things wouldn’t know. Allow me to briefly sketch the details for you. We were at a party and I paid a visit to the toilet. When I came back with a smile on my face, I told her I had a new found love of Care Bears. And so began a domino effect which began with a torrid stream of abuse and ended up with me in the doghouse for a reason I just don’t understand. Since when is it a crime to like the Care Bears:

Sumtimes de wurds doent maik sence

The modus operandi is always the same. We update daily on matters of brilliant insight and wit. You try to figure out how people called Bill Y, Jilly Y, Little Dill Y, Sugartastic Daddy John and Thirsty Dave can lead such fascinating, eventful lives. It’s all good until someone points out a speling mistake in one of our great works and then we just feel like we don’t deserve you. Because we’re a forward thinking collective, we’ve decided to eat ourselves out of the possibility of it happening again:

Curious Elmo

Some things in life are larger than life. Jill Y's invisible personality is one. Little Dill Y's 5 year old genius tendency is another. My inherent hatred of the music of Bon Jovi would be another. The three of us are in total agreement when we say that one of the biggest influences in our childhood was the institution known as Sesame Street. I learned more from watching that programme than I did from 'The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy'. I’m not quite sure what it is but the Sesame Street of today is somehow different than the one I remember:

Trained Drinking Monkey

As a man befitting of the name Thirsty Dave, Thirsty Dave spends most of his awake time drinking in establishments that he’s not barred from. From time to time, he gets bored as those around him drop to the ground from alcohol poisoning. That’s why, this Christmas I’ve decided to get him a Trained Drinking Monkey. It really is amazing what you can buy these days:                                                                   

In times of necessity, you need to do the necessary

Sugartastic Daddy John is at it again. He's managed to get his hands on films that can't be seen anywhere else. When he first suggested that we spend Saturday night at his place watching a film, I wasn't massively excited. When he told us he would be charging us for the privilege, I became even more less interested. Having said that, he has been there for Jill Y and I on many occasions, so we decided to go. The film wasn't bad. It starred Arnie Schwarzenegger who has recurring dreams of having to give back his car:





We have much respect for The Daddy for coming up with such a cool way to make money. We don't ask where he gets the films and he doesn't tell us where he gets them. This way nobody gets hurt. As cool as he is, his money making ideas don’t come close to Thirsty Dave's:

Sphenisciphobia - fear of nuns

Wikipedia explains what a nun is:

A nun is a woman who has taken vows committing her to a spiritual life. She may be an ascetic who voluntarily chooses to leave mainstream society and live her life in prayer and contemplation in a monastery or convent. The term "nun" is applicable to Catholics – both eastern and western traditions – Orthodox Christians, Anglicans, Lutherans, Jains, Buddhists, and Taoists. While in common usage the terms nun and sister are often used interchangeably, in some cases they are differentiated, a nun being a religious female who lives a contemplative cloistered life of prayer and meditation, while a sister, in Christian denominations, lives an active vocation of prayer and service, often to the needy, sick, poor, and uneducated.

With that in mind, the following picture might explain why I suffer from sphenisciphobia -  fear of nuns:

How on earth did we end up on Earth?

I've been doing some of that stuff that people do quite a lot of. I think it's called 'thinking' and it's making me think of things differently. Like most new things, it's probably going to take some time to get used to it. I seem to be developing independent thoughts and opinions and have no idea how I ended up here but I'm going to go with it and see where it takes me. When you're a complete and utter mocker, you need to take the experiences that life throws at you and mock the bejaysus out of them. I was thinking about monkeys and man and where we call came from and stuff like this:




To be cont…

Am I missing something? Can blind people see?

If I told you about a new scent for people who have no sense of smell, you may well wonder what in my massively confused, moronic mind, am I going on about and you would be right to.

Q. How the bejaysus can there be a scent for people with no sense of smell?
 
A. There can’t. 

It doesn’t exist. I’m just trying to draw your attention to the below ad for The Braille Superstore which tells us of ‘Thousands of Braille products, many of you’ve never seen before’. 

What was that? I hear what you’re saying but I don’t speak alien

Here’s something you may or may not know – men and women are different. I’m not the first person to say it and I won’t be the second last. Books have been written on it and the internet says so, so it must be true. I called Jill Y last night and had a massively bizarre conversation. I could probably try and describe what was said but instead, Diddy and Bjork will give you an idea of what I’m talking about. For the sake of the exercise, my part will be played by Bjork and Diddy will play Jill Y:

WARNING: Do not let Dr. Mario touch your genitals. He is not a real doctor

And so we arrive at a problem of our own doing. We're a bunch of mockers at It's good to mock and people have come to expect nothing but utter nonsense from us. We don't have a problem with this at all for we reap what we sow, yada, yada, yada. The problem is that when we try to be serious, people still expect us to be joking and the 'serious' that we report is not taken serious at all. With this in mind, please, please, please heed what we have to tell you right now. There is nothing funny in this whatsoever. If you do find yourself laughing uncontrollably, stop it immediately and tell your family and friends to be careful out there for everything is not as it seems:

What do you do when your bowels misbehave to the max?

Don’t ask me why but I’m going to share with you something that probably definitely shouldn’t be shared. This is embarrassing so I’m just going to say it and then you can react whatever way you wish. I needed to go to the loo to do the sitting down operation rather than the standing up operation. I assumed the position but the inner workings of the Bill Y body refused to do it’s stuff. I’m not going to beat around the bush brothers and sisters, I suffered a sensation of incomplete bowel evacuation. There was nothing else to do but ask the all ever knowing Jill Y for her take on the situation. Her answer scared the bejaysus out of me:


 

Suffice to say, I didn’t subscribe to her solution and The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C.Dexter Wise III agrees with me totally:




To be cont…

Foot in mouth

Some people sometimes say something wrong but not me. I always say something wrong. If there was a Noble prize for saying stupid things, I would not only win the prize, I would make the prize into a robot and the robot would say something wrong. Like most characteristics of human behaviour, these things can be traced back to when we were children. It turns out I’ve be putting my foot in my mouth since I was a little mocker:

Hair of the dog

For birthday’s and other special occasions, I tell Jill Y where I‘ve hidden the credit card. She then spends more money than Simon Cowell makes on The X Factor before complaining that I never put any thought into her pressy and that there’s never any personal touch involved. I don’t know how it happened but I accidently listened to her this year. Next to shoes, her favourite thing in the world is her dog – Puddles. She spends more time on that dog than she does on the phone and her second job involves talking to lonely men on the phone all night but that’s a story for another day. I thought I would push the boat out and learn how to knit her a sweater. It took me ages but she seemed to like the end result and when she realised Puddles had a part to play in it, she was over the moon:

It’s good to mock – sponsoring entrepreneurialism in more ways than one

We may be in the grips of a serious recession but that doesn’t mean we’re going to hoard the miniscule amount of cash we have. We’re all about giving back to society at It’s good to mock so when we came across this entrepreneur, we had no hesitancy in spending a couple of hundred dollars:





Jill Y was so impressed that she decided to share one of her own money making ideas with him. I have an awful feeling that he’s going to become a millionaire from it and we’ll have to look for our fortune elsewhere:


 

Anti-logical behaviour

Back in the days before I was a complete and utter little mocker, there was no Jill Y in my world and everything was different. I wasn't always the well rounded, adjusted individual you see before you now. Believe it or not, I wasn't always this brilliant. I remember the day I realised the difference between conventional logic and religious logic like it was only 08/12/2010: