This is not a brothel

People - when you boil it down, we're pretty much all the same. When something is forbidden, we immediately want it more. When I was a little mocker, I used to used to play in the schoolyard and as soon as I came across the sign saying 'no climbing' I immediately began to climb anything that was even close. It's human nature for a child to want to do what they're not supposed to do. When I was a teenager, I would always go for the girl who was out of my league (and most of them were) because it's human nature for a teenager to want what they're not supposed to have. Yesterday I was walking by this house and I had no option but to knock on the door. It was nothing to do with human nature, I was just curious:

Two feet of snow

If you met Sugartastic Daddy John, you’d probably say he has the sense of humour of  the author of  ‘How to cellotape brown boxes for beginners Vol 1’  but you’d be wrong. Sugartastic, like myself is a massively misunderstood genius who will not be worshipped for several lifetimes. This is because we’re so far ahead of ourselves, if we ran the marathon we’d finish before we started.

And so, we fast forward to the call I took from Sugartastic this morning. We had some serious snow the night before and the call was to let me know that there was two feet of snow outside. He caught me off guard because I was not expecting this when I opened the door:

 

The internet is great

This internet thing is great. Where else can you spend your day looking at lolcats or find advice on how to spy on your girlfriend who's spying on you? Email is amazing. I now have so many different options for penis enlargement that I can shop around and get a rock solid deal. I don't have to worry about spelling mistakes anymore because Google always asks me Did you mean? So happy am I with the internet, that I'm going to start my own business, work form home and become a millionaire in 6.5 minutes. We're all about absorbing information at It's good to mock and presenting our findings in no order whatsoever. To that end, please see our latest internet findings on parenthood. We're definitely going to use this one ourselves:

When looking for solutions, it’s important to put your time to good use

So we set out to find a solution to one of life’s most unasked questions -

Who would win in a battle between the Star Trek's USS Enterprise and a Star Wars Star Destroyer?


As we gathered evidence for both sides of the argument, I realised that I was becoming massively engrossed in it and seemed to lose all sense of time. Then I began to question my priorities. Soon after, I came to the following conclusion and am so glad that I did:

Exclusive To All Newspapers

Never let it be said that It’s good to mock does not cater for niche markets. Just because we have no interest in Princes Diana, we do realise that some of you like to keep up to date with conspiracy theories. For this reason, we present a press release that has been released to all newspapers but may not necessarily have been printed in all any newspapers:

 

Thirsty Dave finds a solution to a hard problem

It’s important to give credit where it’s due and Thirsty Dave has been doing us proud this week. To hack a long story short, he’s off the drink and has been trying to get himself in shape by going to the gym. He found himself up against a stiff problem on a number of occasions but sobriety seems to be working for him as he found a solution all by himself:

The classic kick in the face: No job without experience and no experience without a job

It’s so hard to remain positive when the economy just keeps on getting worse and the Government seem as competent as a sober Thirsty Dave. So many people have lost their jobs and are having massive problems in securing any type of employment at all. Jill Y’s Mother was telling us that she’s seen it all before. Her musician friend Jimi, went for a job many years ago and despite his massive talent, found himself in a catch 22 situation:


 

Dear Girlfriend, I am sorry to hear that you have ‘The Periods’

Men and women are as similar as chalk and the Irish Governments free Christmas handout. We could write books upon books about the differences but for the sake of the story, we’ll focus on one of the main massively obvious biological differences. Once a month, Jill Y turns into a psychotic demon, intent on making my very existence a living nightmare. This is not the time nor place to get into some of the demented behaviour she gets up to but cast your mind back to the exploits of Damien in The Omen and you’re probably getting close. Each month, I walk on eggshells with fear of  breaking those eggshells and more importantly, saying something that might wake the beast within but this month I’m going to be very direct and leave her a simple note:


   
To be cont…

We’ll never write a joke as good as this and neither will you

We’re a jealous bunch of mockers at It’s good to mock HQ and lately we’ve been consumed with bitterness and jealously. You’ll never know the hurt and pain we’re going through as we come to terms with the inevitable truth and realise that no matter how hard we try, we’ll never write a joke as good as this:

This guy needs his get out of jail card right now

I've been compiling a list of things to do. It's quite a short list with 2 items and both of them involve the time machine. First, I want to go back in time and prevent the great injustice known as Bon Jovi from ever happening. Then I want to give the machine to Britney so she can go back in time and prevent the whole shaven head thing from ever happening. I know we're lucky to have the time machine and that not everyone is fortunate enough to have one. This is why we only use it for the greater good. There's one more person who could probably do with going back and altering his present:

Soup of the day

I don’t know how it happened but I was let off the leash and allowed to head to the pub with Thirsty Dave and Sugartastic Daddy John. The only provision was that I was not allowed to drink alcohol. Considering who I was with, that’s like bringing a kid to a sweet shop and chopping off his legs so he can’t reach the sweets. To make matters worse, Oprah was on the TV and we wanted to watch the rugby but the TV was too high up so I said “hey Sugartastic, use that chopped off leg you found to change the channel”. That meant we only had to find a solution to my enforced abstinence from alcohol. A few moments later, we found our solution. We were in Thirsty Dave’s local so we decided, I would have the soup of the day:

The glass is always 2 halves full

Jill Y’s job involves testing theories. She’s a scientist and nearly twice as smart as 5 year old Little Dill Y. In the beginning, it was hard to accept that I’ll never come close to their level of intelligence but as time went by, I’ve learned to live with my many limitations and have grown to be a at one with my inadequacies. One day I’m going to write a book about it but that’s a story for another day. Today, we focus on a simple remark I made to Jill Y while pretending to understand what she was rabbiting on about. I just happened to mention that Thirsty Dave is an optimistic guy who always see’s the glass as half full. Little Dill Y picked up on this and thought he would voice his opinion:





I think I’m going to have to learn something about something before I become as useful as a chocolate teapot.

For the man who has everything

Our good friend Sugartastic Daddy John is a man who knows how to acquire everything and has everything he requires. He was celebrating his 1 week anniversary of being faithful to the same 5 women so we went to buy him a present. It's rare to find something that so closely matches his personality but we were massively happy when we found the Electric Pimp Hat Fish Toaster:

Nothing ever happened here

We usually say words. Sometimes the words are funny. We usually marry the words with a picture. Sometimes the picture is funny. Every now and again, the words and pictures are funny. When this fluke happens, we don’t ask questions and just go with it. Tonight it changes. Because we’re as deep as a puddle, this is probably the most profound thing this collective will ever do. Tonight, we turn the whole thing on it’s head and present nothing:

Busker Vader

People who say things, say you should never meet your heroes in case you're disappointed. Today I can testify to this and massively so. When you're me, you're your own hero and apart from Paris Hilton, you find it hard to look up to anyone else except Darth Vader. Imagine then, my total shock and disgust as I bumped into the dark lord himself, busking in Dublin:

Prelude du Fornication

Jill Y and I celebrated our anniversary last night. It was one day since our last argument so I decided to pull out all the stops and plan a romantic night in. Sugartastic Daddy John was on babysitting duty and we had the house to ourselves. Knowing how attention to detail is important to her, I just knew the night was going to be a success from the first moment I took out the Casio keyboard to play some mood music:


 

To be cont…

Being dumb will get you far in this world - Just look at Paris Hilton.

I realise that we’ve been going on a lot about Little Dill Y lately so I thought we’d continue with an episode in which we’re massively impressed with his actions but also massively alarmed. When he finishes his homework, Jill Y or I take a look at it to make sure he doesn’t use any big words that his teacher won’t understand. He may be only 5 but he has an IQ of 180 and the last thing we want to do is confuse his teacher. Having said that, we like to keep him grounded by making his homework look ordinary like the ordinary people in his class. We deliberately change it to make him appear less smart than he is. We had to build an extension to house my ego so I’ll be damned if the same is going to happen to him. It’s important to us that he keeps his brilliant head out of the clouds and his brilliant feet on the ground. Yesterday he wouldn’t do his homework and I asked him why. When he showed me, I was massively impressed with his reasoning and just had to change one word and add an extra space to dumbify it:


 

Is there anything we can’t learn from Elmo?

I love reading to Little Dill Y at night. I like being the last person he speaks to before he goes to sleep. I know it might sound childish but sometimes I really get involved in the stories in those books. As far as kids books go, you just can’t beat the classics and Sesame Street produce some of the most creative reading material you can get. Elmo is Dill Y’s favourite and I must admit, he’s my favourite too:

Thirsty Dave retreats from society

Thirsty Dave hasn’t been himself lately. Ever since his local  pub increased the price of beer, he’s lost his edge. He isn’t as sarcastic as he once was. He’s gained co-ordination and learned how to stop slurring his words but then again he’s learning what it’s like to be sober. He still has his friends but they all live in the pub and he’s refused to visit them on a point of principal. Unless they decrease the price of beer, he’s not going to the pub again. I just feel sorry for the people in the pub trade. Without his business, the industry will go into decline and there will be lots of redundancies. I went to visit him the other day and just got the feeling that he’s turning his back on society and withdrawing into himself:


   

When you fall of the bike or skate board boy, you need to get back on again

We told Little Dill Y that when he falls off his bike, he needs to get back on again. I think he understood the principle but applied it to something totally different:


 

This invention may not change the world as we know it

It's good to mock encourages creativity. We always have and we always will. Sometimes we come up with stuff that may amuse the casual depressive and for this we are truly happy. Sometimes we don't quite hit the mark but as long as we're being creative, we can sleep at night. Sugartastic Daddy John is an entrepreneur par excellence. A man who always tries to see past the obvious, he makes the collective proud but this time we think he may be losing the plot. He worked at this for all of 5 minutes and is convinced it’s going to make him rich beyond belief:

Perfect Happy

Jill Y had to have surgery yesterday to remove the smile from her face due to her being right and massively imperfect me being wrong. I made a casual remark that there is no such thing as pure evil and that there is good and bad in everyone. Her response - “Bon Jovi”. Her expression:

The end of Dubious Dan Hegarty’s friendship with Little Dill Y

I knew there was something about that new neighbours kid that I didn't like. When your name is Dubious Dan Hegarty, you just know nothing good is going to come of it and when he and little Dill Y became friends, I was more than a little suspicious. Thank gods they’re now ex-friends. When he came in last night and showed me the book Dubious Dan gave him, I put an end to the friendship there and then:

Shocking the unshockable

Thirsty Dave is just a regular guy who happens to consume copious amounts of alcohol. He's a very focused individual and very little gets him down. He used to be a priest until I told him there was no god and he just nodded in agreement and went for a beer. He used to be an advocate of socialism until I told him that socialism works but only in theory and he just nodded in agreement and went for a beer. He used to use Windows until I told him it was full of bugs and showed him Linux and he just nodded in agreement and went for a beer. That night, I decided to go for a beer with him and we headed to his local. When we reached our destination, I watched him lose the plot completely as his mouth hung open in disbelief and he cried uncontrollably like a kid who just realised that Dec 25th has nothing to do with a white bearded guy in a red suit. These are the very words which caused him to weep:

Let them eat cheese

As a rule we stay away from topics we don't know about at It's good to mock HQ. As you can imagine, this means we stay away from most topics. Apart from the fact that all Irish people know Bono, leprechauns and drink Guinness for breakfast, the stereotypes are all wrong. Having said that, we do have a way with words and rely heavily on our sense of humour. Here's a quick test to see if you're awake. Which of the following is true:

a) Bon Jovi are talented

b) Nuns don't scare the bejaysus out of us

c) Ireland's agricultural minister Brendan Smith has announced the Governments answer to the upcoming fiercest ever €6bn budget deficit. In their infinite wisdom, the Government have decided to give the worse off in society, free cheese!

The answer is not A or B. The more astute of you will now know that the answer is in fact C. That’s right, the people who run our country have  obviously realised that what poor people need is cheese. The  minister went on to explain that the €750,000 Christmas present is:

“an important means of contributing towards the well-being of the most deprived citizens in the community”

We have two images to show you followed by a solitary question:

What about the poor lactose intolerant?