Can you guess which part of this is not untrue? Hint – It isn’t the low self-esteem part.

 

A nun, kitten and penguin are out to get me

The day started like any other day. We came home and found Puddles in the rocking chair, knitting a jumper. Earlier that morning, I took my mocking self to the shower and then hypnotised the kitten. You might ask why we hypnotised the kitten in the first place and it’s a damn good question to ask. You see, Jill Y insists Puddles is the reincarnation of her Grandmother. I said “Don’t be ridiculous, with claws like that she’s more likely to be your mother” to which she replied by slapping me in the face with a wet penguin feeling that a fish would be a bit of an understatement. Next thing I know, two zoo officials knocked on the door enquiring about a missing penguin. Suddenly it occurred to me that in order to have a penguin on hand to slap me in the face with, Jill Y would of had to have prior knowledge of the days events. As I pondered this from my prison cell, where I was serving hard time for penguin thievery, I told them I thought it was a Nun. It gradually dawned on me that the true mastermind of this plan was Puddles. That kitten never liked me. The moral of the story:

The next time you buy a kitten, don’t train it to use your time machine.

This post has two titles: 1) Too much love for Apple can make you go blind and 2) If it ever gets to this stage, it’s time to stop the Apple adulation

Sugartastic Daddy John and I both agree that Apple make far superior products to Microsoft. I don’t know why but Sugartastic has about as much hatred for Microsoft as I have for Bon Jovi and that’s about as much love as I don’t have for Paris Hilton. I wouldn’t go as far as saying we love Apple, well not this type of love anyway:

Welcome to disagreement no. 598

Sometimes Jill Y and I have massively different ideas on how to teach little Dill Y about stuff. We decided to teach him how to play tennis. He likes looking at pictures so I thought I would show him a picture of his mother serving for the match:

  
For some reason Jill Y didn’t agree with this approach. She thought it would be better to use a video game to teach him but I don’t think it’s very life like and you can’t even see the cat:

Kitty Litter-ature

It’s official. We’re scared and massively so. It’s rare to find us scared of anything at It’s good to mock HQ but this is serious. Those of you who visit these parts often will know that little Dill Y is a 5 year old genius. We’re very protective of him and strive to keep him in an environment that’s conducive to our future lord and ruler.

He reads Thermo Nuclear Dynamics for 5 year olds, Socioeconomic Inequality for 5 year olds and Paris Hilton – WTF? for 5 year olds. His friends are 5 year old professors, 5 year old presidents and thanks to the time machine that Jill Y invented, a 5 year old Paris Hilton. He recently became a 5 year old Barrister and as a present we got him one of those smelly feline things that follow elderly ladies everywhere. He called the cat Einstein and the cat is why we’re scared. It turns out Einstein is the stupidest cat you could ever get for a genius. I mean what type of intelligent cat gets himself into a situation like this:

Thirsty Dave likes beer

Sugartastic Daddy John's brothers friends neighbours sisters brother, Thirsty Dave is someone who  likes beer. If you were to ask him to list his 3 favourite things, he would say free beer, cheap beer and major technological advances in brewing techniques of the 20th century. We were having a drink with him the other day and he told us about a website that gives you free beer. He explained that he signed up with an email address and password and instantly received a free bottle of beer. We were just about to call him a liar until he produced photographic evidence to back up his claim:

Optimus Windows v Megapple

Our good friend Sugartastic Daddy John is one of those people who doesn't like Microsoft products at all. Sugartastic is a massive Apple fan and never misses an opportunity to preach to the unconverted. Every second word out of his mouth is"Windows - full of bugs". He says it so often that he now carries a picture of it with him:




For little Dill Y's 5th birthday, Sugartastic gave him a box full of used Apple products. I thought it was a pretty bad present to give a kid but as usual, I was massively wrong. Not only did Dill Y love the present, he applied some of that creativity which he doesn't get from his mother and came up with this little beauty:

Steven Graham’s Grumpy Smile

Welcome to the tale of Smiley Graham. Smiley Graham got his nickname because he was always smiling and his name was Steven. Nothing would ever get him down. You could play Bon Jovi all day and all night and he wouldn’t be sick even once. Smiley Graham always had a joke prepared and if you were in bad form, he would come out with one liners which were as funny as Lindsey Lohan is talentless. I don’t know what it was but I just didn’t buy into this constant state of happiness. For some unknown reason, I called his bluff, pulled the bag off his head to reveal that he wasn’t Smiley Graham at all but he was in fact Grumpy Steven:

A brilliant blast from the brilliant past

Time for a joke from the vaults of the past. Not just any joke from the vaults of the past but a knock knock joke from vaults of the past. As you can imagine, this joke has passed the stringent test of time and lived to tell the tale. Some of you may remember this joke from when you were littler. Some of you may not have heard it at all. Some of you may think this is the best joke ever. Some of you may cringe in disbelief at how bad this actually is. Either way, I’m sure it will provoke a reaction and sure that’s all we want to do. I will now shut up or the tsunami of nonsense will just continue to flow. Feast your eyes on the daddy of knock knock jokes and begin the applause:

Be careful what you wish for

It’s finally happened. I’ve finally figured out how to really get under Jill Y’s skin. For years I’ve been mocking her, her job, her fascination with shoes that must match her bag which must match her hair which must not match any other woman on the planets shoes, bag or hair  but nothing I say or do bothers her. I sometimes think she doesn’t even appreciate the time and effort I put into the mocking but yesterday it all changed. A quick call to a friend who made me a special screensaver which just happened to appear on her laptop and it’s all good:

Little Dill Y has face on his egg

Little Dill Y has been eating a lot of eggs lately and when I say a lot, I mean he’s been eating nothing but eggs. Sure, eggs have great nutritional value and It’s good to mock is not an anti-egg collective but we had to find a way of making him stop eating eggs and varying his diet. I figured if I made the eggs more life-like, he would stop eating them so I had a quick word with Jill Y about the bodies in the cellar and asked if she had any plans to use their faces. I also asked if I could borrow her eggifying ray gun and guess what, it worked a treat:




Now I just have to figure out how to stop a 5 year old from murdering people and dragging them down to the cellar. Bless his little sense of humour, he gets it from his mother.

What’s on your mind Bill Y?

It’s time for some self mocking boys and girls. Apart from the parts I made up, the following is a true story. The a names have not been changed to protect the identity of those involved since it only involves, myself, Jill Y and a neurologist.

I wouldn’t be the smartest little mocker you could have the misfortune to meet. I know my own limitations and am perfectly at ease with my own stupidity. In order to do what needs to be done, I need to be ‘in the zone’. For me, this involves been laid back and relaxed. In this state, the mocking flows seamlessly and when I play music, the creativity flows with ease. Lately, neither has been happening and I’m not sure why. I spoke to Jill Y about it and she reckons that as a man, my brain is only capable of handling one thing at a time. She asked if I have been under any stress or if something has been troubling me lately. I told her that I recently read the Kama Sutra and had obtained a much deeper understanding of intimacy. Although Jill Y is not a psychologist, she has a good understanding of the human mind. We went to see a neurologist who done some tests and it all started to make sense: 

How to make an emoticon

Little Dill Y is one of those kids who loves knowledge. When I’m teaching him stuff, I always think it’s not good enough just to simply tell him things, it’s important to explain why or how things happen. He’s 5 now and is a little genius on his laptop. When he sends emails, he loves sending smiley’s so I thought I would show him how they were made:

In most situations it’s best to keep your head but sometimes…

I think Jill Y has gone and totally outdone herself with this one. As a scientist she’s always working on secret experiments. Sometimes they’re so secret that she doesn’t even tell herself about them. I casually mentioned to her that when I come home after a hard days mocking, my head is exhausted but my body isn’t tired at all. As I spoke, she had an expression on her face that I had never seen before. An expression that almost said “I never thought the day would come but you’ve actually given me an idea”. She left the house and I didn’t hear from her for two days. All of a sudden she arrived home and immediately showed me what she was working on. She’s only gone and invented a way to exercise the body while the head relaxes:



NB: Jill Y or It’s good to mock does not condone separating from your body to exercise. Even if you're under medical supervision, we still don’t condone it.

The birth of Sugartastic Daddy John’s speechlessness

Our good friend Sugartastic Daddy John and his girlfriend '”Sweet Stuff” Candy Black, became parents for the first time yesterday. Due to Sugartastic’s contacts in the pharmaceutical industry, Candy had the type of epidural that would knock out an elephant and apparently the labour was painless and quick. Sugartastic was there at the birth and for the first time in his life, was left speechless. He’s a hands on type of guy and set up a camera to automatically take hundreds of pictures of the pregnancy and he even cut the umbilical cord himself. Little Keenan is 20 hours old now and Sugartastic still hasn’t opened his mouth since he was born:

Pi

I think it was our good friend Sugartastic Daddy John who said " It's so hard to shop for women these days, the price has gone through the roof and there’s just not the same selection as there used to be" but that has nothing to do with what we have to share today.  Every once in a while, we like to show you something that blows your mind and today we get to unveil one of the most exciting things you will ever see. Forget about the time we invented the internet. Forget about the time we told you that showering with your partner saves water. Remember what you were doing when you first became aware of today’s announcement. We're no mathematicians at It's good to mock but maybe we should be. Prepare to be stunned into disbelief as we present Pie:

If you’re interested in time travel, meet me last Thursday

Some things are unbelievable. This story is one of those things. It began as a half joke. I put an ad in the local paper:


I received a solitary response from a Swedish lady called Anna. I have since learned that not all Swedish women are called Anna but quite a few are. I arranged to meet Anna yesterday on the metro reading The Metro that was printed today. Confused yet?:



The first words she said to me were “the future isn’t what it used to be”. She then brought me to the house of the inventor of time travel:



I’m not going to lie to you and pretend that I understood what happened next but I’m told I made a massive mistake when I played for the Brazilian football team. Apparently, this messed up the time paradox. Anna tried to explain it to me like this but it was way over my head:



I’ve been keeping it quiet until now but Brazil were knocked out of the World Cup and many people were surprised  but I think it was all my fault.

To be cont

There isn’t a moment that goes by when I don’t wonder how things might of turned out, if I had of obeyed the voices

Sometimes the voices in my head are spot on. They taught me to believe in my brilliant uniqueness and if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn't be half the genius I am today. When the voices speak I usually do as they say and apart from the incident with Bon Jovi and the restraining order, it’s all been good.  Just before I met Jill Y for the first time, the voices sent me a message:




There isn’t a moment that goes by when I don’t wonder how things might of turned out, if I had of obeyed the voices. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jill Y and our 5 year old little Dill Y but lately all we seem to do is have massive arguments and if she insists on telling our son that Paris Hilton is not a good role model, the arguments are will continue.
To be cont…
 

I’ll marry you when it rains whiskey

Jill Y has been dropping little subtle hints about wanting to get married. I figured this out when she said “I think we should get married”. We wouldn’t be the most conventional people you could have the misfortune to meet and marriage means very little to me but if there’s one thing she’s good at, it’s getting her own way. We’ve been a couple for the last 5 lifetimes and regularly finish each others sentences but lately when I say “No”, she has been changing it to “Yes lets get married”. She’s been leaving marriage magazines all over the place but I’ve started to fight back:



To be cont….

The mother of all arguments

Jill Y and I had the mother of all arguments. She usually wins the arguments by slowly undressing and dancing suggestively but not this time. I know I'm in the right and am refusing to back down. We were bringing little Dill Y to get some food. When we reached the shop, there was a note saying that they were closed due to short staff. Dill Y got some paper and a marker and added to the sign:

 
Jill Y told him that what he has done was neither smart or clever. I happen to think it's smart, massively clever and highly creative for a 5 year old to think like that. I have a feeling that this one is going to go on for a while. He'll probably be 6 before we agree to agree again.

To be cont....

We need to police the internet

When Jill Y asks me if I'm coming to bed, I usually run faster than Usain Bolt to join her but last night was different. Last night I discovered something big and when I say big, I mean bigger than the big hole which will eventually fill the ozone layer unless we take action and do something about it now. It takes a lot to grab my attention and keep it for more than a few minutes but what I stumbled across last night had to be dealt with immediately. Many years from now, people will look back on global events which should never of happened such as the Star Wars prequels, Mullets and allowing Bon Jovi to enter a recording studio. Last nights discovery will eventually end up on that list:

How to confe an idiot

We wouldn’t be the sharpest tools in the box at It’s good to mock HQ. Because of the nature of what we do, there’s always someone trying to play a practical joke on us. People in our position need to be able to pull ourselves by the bootstraps, get back on the horse's bike and take it on the chin like a man whose bootstraps were stolen by a horse. To you good people, we present the following idiot baiting test supplied by our good friends over at www.howtocatchanidiot.com

Dogs Head Day Afternoon

Today, It’s good to mock brings you a cautionary tale. We’re not wealthy people and as such can’t afford to dine out in expensive restaurants very often. We found a nice place that’s not too expensive, does good food and has staff who will stand there and trade insults with us. All in all, a classy joint. We usually drink a half dozen bottles of the house wine and have a good night though the last time we were there wasn’t great. Jill Y made the mistake of having the soup of the day.  If you find yourself in a similar position, always ask what the soup of the day is. Jill Y didn’t ask and she ended up with dogs head soup: