Sugartastic Daddy John – he may just help you find your soul mate even if your soul mate was the Chancellor of Germany from 1933 to 1945.

We like to think we're a fairly astute collective at It's good to mock but if there's one thing we never notice, it's invisible things. When you boil things down, people are essentially the same. We just want to love and be loved. With this in mind, we decided to help Thirsty Dave look for a girlfriend. The thirsty one has a fondness for the internet so we thought we'd start our search there. Sugartastic Daddy John does a little business on the web and recently set up a ‘clientele’ website which is exactly what we needed. We logged onto the site and had a look at some of his clients. Thirsty Dave was very impressed with what he saw but there was one person he didn't like at all:




To be cont…

Holy Ghost-busters

When it comes to religions, it’s important that we remain impartial and mock each one of them with the same intensity and sarcastic vigour as possible. After all, it wouldn’t be right to simply choose one religious path that has no factuality whatsoever and follow it like a massively confused herd of unfocused sheep. With this in mind, when occasions arrive where we find ourselves mocking one religious icon more than another, we call the Holy-Ghost busters and they usually do the trick:


 

It’s good to mock – helping Scurvy Jane to build her confidence

One of the lesser known services we provide at It’s good to mock is confidence building. Scurvy Jane has a problem. Apart from having scurvy, she has a problem telling jokes. It doesn't matter how hard she tries or how funny the joke actually is, she just cannot seem to confidently tell a joke. Because we're a forward thinking collective, we constantly work out ways to resolve issues such as the very predicament Scurvy Jane finds herself in. Through regression therapy and other methods that we can’t really divulge at this time, we brought her back to when she was a child and made her tell a simple joke to a dog. We think this should have the desired effect:

Optipess or Pessiopt

The collective at It’s good to mock have one thing in common. We always look at the glass two halves full. Our simple ideology involves a deep rooted hatred for Bon Jovi, fear of Nuns and a firm belief that laughing at yourself can overcome all obstacles. Along the way we also mock people, places and Paris Hilton and other things like religions, bagpipes and the musical note C#. If you were to ask if you could join the collective, we would probably ask for your views on Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds and the answer you would give would speak volumes about your eligibility but even before we got to the interview stage, we’d ask you to check your own positivity/negativity by using this simple test:


 

Sometimes Jill Y turns around and gives me a dose of my own medicine OR I’ve no problem being the mocker so I have to accept that sometimes I will become the mockee.

A new law was recently passed which dictates that on the weekends, Jill Y will makes the breakfast one morning and I look after it the other afternoon. Last Sunday, Little Dill Y was downstairs reading about applied quantitative methods for trading and investment. I know he's 5  now but I’m not happy with his choice of reading material at all. I told him he should be becoming more cultured and to read the Daily Mirror. It was Jill Y's turn to make breakfast so I stayed in bed. I was really comfy and was in no mood for getting up so I sent a text and asked if there was any chance of breakfast in bed. No sooner had I finished sending the it than I received the following response:

I don’t care if you’re not impressed but I do care what he thinks

The sequence of events are always the same. Jill Y somehow expects me to behave all 'normal' and 'mature' and 'non stupid' but I'm none of those things, never will be and wouldn’t even know where to begin. I've come to terms with being a complete and utter disappointment to her and have learned how to drown out the constant whinging and nagging by pretending to listen to her. During these moments, I try to figure out how magnets work and get so confused that I can't hear a word she's screaming. She’s under the illusion that she just has to shoot me a look of disgust and that I’ll behave myself. This of course couldn’t be further from the truth but in the same way as I’ve learned to live with her, she’s recently learned how to let me know I’ve been a bold little mocker:
  

TGIGF – Thank God It’s Good Friday

We like to think we're a helpful collective at It's good to mock. When Scurvy Jane found a magic lamp and rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered her three wishes. Rather than ask for something for herself she thought of humanity and wished for Bon Jovi to disappear three times. Thirsty Dave won his weight in beer. Rather than share the beer with anyone else, he drank it himself which prevented me from getting drunk and falling home which prevented Jill Y becoming an antichrist when I got home. Sugartastic Daddy John has far too many wives. The last time we counted there were 26. Rather than make a young lady unhappy and not marry her, he agreed to get married again. That's how much he loves his fellow woman. Recently a white cat joined us and if you think we're helpful, check out how helpful this helpful cat is:

A curse on those cursor’s

I turned on the computer on Monday but the cursor didn’t work so I bought a new mouse but it still didn’t work. I turned on the computer on Tuesday but the cursor didn’t work so I bought a new mouse from a different store but it still didn’t work. I turned on the computer on Wednesday but the cursor didn’t work so I thought the world was having a laugh with me so I bought a new mouse in a different, different store but it still didn’t work. I turned on the computer on Thursday but the cursor didn’t work so I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming and I wasn’t because the pinch really hurt so I bought a new mouse from a different, different, different store but it still didn’t work. Being the eternal optimist, I turned on the computer on Friday but the cursor still didn’t work so I bought a new computer which happened to have a new mouse with it but it still didn’t work. After some really serious head scratching, I realised what was wrong. The cursor’s had gone to a disco and we’re having so much fun that they forgot to return:

Sometimes someone does something so stupid that it makes me look less stupid than I actually am

I've been responsible for saying and doing a considerable amount of stupid things and I doubt if that'll change in the foreseeable future. It's important to hold your hands up and admit when you are wrong so I constantly walk around with my hands held up. It saves time that way. I tend to rejoice when someone else does something stupid as it takes the spotlight away from me and I can then attempt to blend in with the crowd like a non loser. I remember the break I got when George Lucas released those pathetic Star Wars prequels. It wasn't only the audience who thought they were complete and utter rubbish. The cast members felt exactly the same way:

24 hours in a tray

Thirsty Dave's favourite number is 24 because there's 24 hours in a day and 24 cans of beer in a tray. By the same token, his favourite colour is black because black is the colour of Guinness and black is the colour he sees when he blacks out after drinking 24 Guinness. To say Thirsty Dave sometimes likes a drink is like saying World Wars I & II were sometimes unpleasant. We were concerned about the about the amount of alcohol the thirsty one consumes so we had an intervention and told him a few home truths. He thinks he can drink as much as he likes and is convinced that it will have no negative consequences at all. Under duress, I made him write a letter to our good friend Prof. Noah Tall of the University of Smartness. In the letter he outlined the copious quantity of alcohol he drinks and argued that it has no effect on his physical, mental and financial wellbeing. The good Professor has just responded with what we already knew:   



To be cont…

Some things just feel right

“I'm not a baby and I'm not stupid”, said the stupid baby. That stupid baby was me and I’ve said and done may stupid things since I’ve become a stupid adult. If you were to ask me to choose the most stupid thing I’ve ever done, I’d ask you why you want to know such a stupid thing and if your answer was interesting enough, I might even answer it. If you were to ask Jill Y for her opinion on the most stupid thing I’ve ever done, she’d probably say it’s dressing up as a monkey and going into the jungle. I do this every chance I get and Jill Y just can’t understand why I do it. I know I could easily put her out of her misery and tell her why I chose to spend my time this way but I’m not going to. I think I’ll make it something I like doing for my own personal reasons and anyway, if you find something you like doing and it feels right, you should let nothing stop you from doing it:


 
 

Avian Hypnotism

In an attempt to do something useful with my life, I've been learning how to hypnotize birds. I began by watching Dr. Doolittle and learned how to talk to the animals. It's not really that hard to master the technique and anyway, once we discard the Christian fairytale that God created the universe and all species of life along with the world itself, we'll all agree that we descended from monkeys so talking to animals was never going to be difficult. Whilst I have your attention, you may be able to help me out. I'm going to hypnotize this bird. Let me know if it works:

Priceless

One of the benefits of having a 5 yr old budding genius is that you get a chance to get those awkward little conversations out of the way at an early age. When Little Dill Y was 2, we had the talk about the birds and the bees or to use the fancy word he likes to use - reproduction or to use the non fancy words I like to use - dancing the horizontal mambo. I learned quite a lot from him that day. Yesterday, he started talking to me about career guidance. I was hoping he would continue the family tradition of hating Bon Jovi but there’s little chance of career advancement in that. He must have inherited his sense of humour from The Simpsons because I lost my sense of humour when I met his mother so I had to steal his mother’s sense of humour but she found where I hid it and then sold it for some magic beans. He seems to have an aptitude for graphic design and marketing and came up with an interesting variant on a old theme:




To be cont…

Little Dill Y’s very own personal Make a Wish Foundation

In what must be a record, Jill Y and I didn't have an argument for the last 20 minutes. It was fun while it lasted. I'd forgotten what it was like to have a conversation without a sharp object being fired at you like a massively confused demented heat seeking missile. The ceasefire was ruined when Little Dill Y asked if he could have a phone. I'm not sure what your views are of a 5 year old having a phone and I’m not sure if I care but I don't like the idea at all. Jill Y totally approves and I'm sure she gave some valid reasons for letting him have one but The Simpson's were on so I wasn't listening to her. The arguments always start and end the same way. She has her opinion, I have the opposing view and she ends up winning. It used to really bother me in the beginning but I’m used to it now. She uses things I don't understand like logic, reason and the threat of making me sleep in a single bed. So it was decided that he would get his phone. Never one to do things by half, I went all out and got him a Nokia 88OO

Thirsty Dave and the Aqua Bar

Thirsty Dave usually looks at the glass 2 halves full but he’s been saying bad things about the Aqua Bar since it opened last year. His main grievance is that it’s a non alcohol bar and as such, doesn’t sell alcohol. To Thirsty Dave, a bar without alcohol is like a burger without meat and when he’s had his fully fledged fill of full fat alcoholic beer, he likes nothing better than a full fat mouth watering mighty meaty monster meat burger with cheese. Thirsty Dave explains in his own non sober words:

"Who the hell do they think they are, coming into our town and selling poxy mineral water and stuff? We go to a bar to get drunk, fall down, get up again, fall down again, get deep down and dirty with Scurvy Jane, get up again and tell our friends about the great night we had. Why would anyone want to go to a bar that doesn't sell alcohol? Without alcohol there's no fighting, no understanding the rules of any sport, no trying to get free drinks off the barman, no selling your jacket for a beer, no dancing on tables and no going to lap dancing clubs. Why would anyone not want to do all of these things?

If there’s one thing that’s certain in this world it’s that nothing is certain. In what must be one of the strangest things since the last strange thing, the owners of the Aqua Bar went on holiday and asked Thirsty Dave to look after the place while they were gone. The thirsty one immediately accepted. As soon as I heard about it, I just knew it wasn’t a good idea. As I write this, I’m outside the Aqua Bar with Thirsty Dave and this is the note he has just put on the door to promote the evening:




To be cont…

Please be aware of this false alarm doing the rounds

Thank gods we’re here to tell it like it is. We received a very disturbing email last night and for one brief moment, the entire collective here at It’s good to mock were shocked to our very core. There are some things in life that operate on levels way above us mere mortals. The natural order of things must never be disturbed and when we opened the email and looked at the picture within, we nearly collapsed. Sugartastic Daddy John made some calls to some people who “take care of  people” and assured us that it was a false alarm. Despite what you may think when you see this picture, please don’t be alarmed as we can confirm it’s a fake and said person is very much alive and well and living in the internets:


  

Scurvy Jane’s new (probably short lived) job

Scurvy Jane found a new job in a call centre for a well known computer manufacturer. If you buy a new pc and are having problems connecting the hardware, you call Scurvy Jane and she helps you put everything together. The problem is that she gets bored very quickly. To help her customers, she’s starting sending out t-shirts with details on how to resolve connectivity issues. For some reason, I don’t think she’s going to last too long in this job:

Different solutions for the problems

Jill Y and I are very different people. She’s very analytical, has an aptitude for science and in her own head, is always right. I‘m not the brightest of mockers, have an aptitude for rubbing people up the wrong way and don’t even know what ‘analytical’ means. When little Dill Y was littler he cried over every little thing but I found a way to make him stop:





Because of this success Jill Y left it up to me to come up with a way to improve his grades. Again, I put on my thinking hat and came up with the following:



To be continued when he stops crying.

Did you hear the one about Bob’s birthday present?

Jill Y told me a story that was told to her by Agnetha that was told to her by Scurvy Jane that was told to her by Candy Sweetcheeks that was told to her by Jenny from the block that was told to her by Sally Piper that was overheard by Sally Piper's father, Rowdy Roddy Piper that was told to him by his other daughter Billie. Apparently Rosie was having tea with Carmel and they were discussing Carmel's birthday. I could continue to retell the tale incorrectly but instead, these monochrome pictures with words should do the trick:

Where babies come from

Another average day at It's good to mock HQ. Little Dill Y was trying to decide which religion he wanted to mock most. Thirsty Dave was ……. that’s right, he was drinking for what else can what someone with the name 'Thirsty Dave' do except drink? Jill Y being a girl and therefore having the ability to multitask, was trying to fix the time machine while trying to teach me maths. Even if I grow up to be as smart as Paris Hilton, I don't think I'll ever have more than a basic grasp of time travel. Sugartastic Daddy John uses maths for a very different reason. When you have as many wives as he has, you need to know how to effectively organize your time and ever since we invented the 26 hour day and time travel, he can be sure they'll never find out about each other. Then we all had tea and decided to show Little Dill Y where babies come from:

What’s wrong with this picture?

Each evening, we take some time to explain something profound  to Little Dill Y.We're not talking about minor issues like trapped miners. We're talking about the issues which have an effect on this generation and generations to come such as why we don’t see ads for advertising companies. He seems to be very socially aware for a 5 year old and recently campaigned for the right to vote for under 7's but that's a story for another day. I showed him this picture and asked him to explain what was wrong with it:





He laughed with embarrassment as if the question was too easy and said "Jesus can't cry because he doesn’t exist’. He went on to give me examples of other things that don’t exist such as the talent of Bon Jovi and the sense of humour of his mother. I immediately told him off and let him know that it’s wrong to put the word ‘talent’ and ‘Bon Jovi’ in the same sentence.

It can’t be that time

I hold my hands up, massively guilty and not one little bit proud of it. Even though I did what I did, I didn't mean it. It was just one of those things you do in the heat of the moment and regret later. I've since apologised and it's all good but it still doesn't make me sleep any easier at night and I know she would never do the same to me. It was argument no. 78 of the day and I was tired. She has this ridiculous habit of believing in fairly tales like the talent of Britney Spears, the tooth fairy and the existence of God  As soon as she turned her back, I seized the day and changed the time:

NRG Drink

Mocking can be tiring. When we were little mockers we could mock around the clock. As time goes by and we get a bit older, we need to take more care of ourselves than we used to. Because of this, we sometimes need a quick pick me up and sometimes turn to those energy drinks but they rarely do what they promise. Hopefully this new one might work:

Neil Old

Before we start this, I’m not ageist and I don’t want any of you smart old mockers out there claiming that I am. And so we begin. Until recently, I’ve been a big Neil Young fan. Even in the days when he released what amounted to a load of distorted noise, it was at the very least interesting. His latest releases haven’t impressed me at all and I don’t know why. It’s almost like the music is made by a different person:

Oh yeah, don’t you dare call me ageist!

Embrace the words while you can

Words are great. When we say or write them, we can express a multitude of things. If you know the right words to use you can get yourself out of the trickiest of situations but what happens when the words don’t come? Sooner or later it happens to us all. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, count yourself massively lucky and enjoy it while it lasts. One of these days when you least expect it, the words will refuse to come and you could well end up like this: