Random things that give me a boner

Jill Y tells me that I have to open up to you and express my feelings. I don't really want to but she said she would withhold certain favours if I didn't. To cut a long story short, I've been getting turned on by things that wouldn't and shouldn't turn me on. I'm talking about everyday things like the top half of a mermaid, topless volleyball and topless volleyball playing mermaids. I don't see an issue with it but Jill Y thinks I will get it out of my system if I tell you about it. I think I will get it out of my system if Jill Y buys me a dvd about topless volleyball playing mermaids but I don't see how that's going to happen and anyway, Sugartastic Daddy John's supplier of superior films, doesn't possess such a movie and if he doesn't stock it, it doesn't exist. While I’m sharing, I should probably tell you that another thing that gets me going is holiday lights. I know it sounds strange and have no idea how it happened:

Rule 38

We take a lot of things for granted. Before all the tubes were put together, this internet thing as we know it, didn’t exist. As more and more tubes were put together we gradually learned that Chuck Norris lived there, Rick Astley’s dreadful song lived there and there were more smiley’s living there than cats. Speaking of cat’s, if you ever have to explain to an alien, what the internet is all about, you could do worse than explain about the lolcats but how do you explain such an epic phenomenon to an alien? The best way to do it is to use a lolcat explaining what a lolcat is to a lolcat?

We're not, not streetwise

We're not the most intelligent of folk at It's good to mock but that doesn't mean we're stupid. Sure, we don't have letters after our names and can't claim to do miraculous stuff like maths but we're streetwise and that's got to count for something. If the man sneakily attempts to increase the price of alcohol, Thirsty Dave is not, not going to notice it because he's streetwise. And if a new lady moves into our neighbourhood, Sugartastic Daddy John is not, not going to not notice her and not, not marry her because he's streetwise. And if the internet puts up a picture of a squirrel with quotes and does not tell us that the words are from the bible, I'm not, not going to notice it and not, not put up a notice about it because I'm streetwise:

The Exorcism of Little Dill Y Pt. 1

The following events take place between 8am 17-02-11 and 11am 18-02-11. Little Dill Y was accidentally exposed to the music of Bon Jovi so we immediately rinsed his ears with the music of Nick Cave. He didn't seem to be infected but there was no way Jill Y was going to take any chances so we called Nick Cave but he wasn't in. We then called Leonard Cohen but he wasn't in either. What happened next was something we'll never forget. We called some of the most credible artists in the world but all we got was a recorded message:


Your call is very important to us. Your call will be answered in the order which it was received


After 25 hours of calling and listening to recorded messages, the artists we attempted to get through to, became less credible. We couldn't reach the real people like Tom Waits, Iggy Pop and Rufus Wainwright. We did reach Jason Donovan, Rick Astley and Peter Andre but we didn't want to talk to any of them and all of a sudden we were listening to that recorded nonsense again:


Your call is very important to us. Your call will be answered in the order which it was received


We were starting to lose patience at this stage so we pressed 1 and got through to Justin Beiber. To say we were disappointed is a massive understatement but someone had to come out and exorcise the Bon Jovi demons so we begrudgingly agreed that he would have to do. Jill Y was still fuming because we had to listen to all those horrible recorded messages so she bought a new doormat to welcome the sad, pitiful excuse to our home:


 
To be cont…

Vroom vroom

One of the earliest memories I have is when I was a very little mocker, being pushed up and down in a pram with someone making the sound of a car as I went back and forth. The car sound is something that I really focussed in on and as far as my little self was concerned, I was in a real car. Of course I was too young to understand what a car was but I was massively amused nonetheless. Mr. & Mrs. Y are pretty cool grown ups. They brought me up to appreciate the simple things in life like quantum physics, epistemology and women. In times of solitude when I try to figure out why anyone would believe in a religion, I can almost hear the sound of the car from my early years in the pram. Recently my mother showed me a picture of it and guess what? It actually had a certain automotive quality to it:

06-06-06 6:66pm

Candy Sweetcheeks is Sugartastic Daddy John's 1st wife and his 26th favourite. She would of made the top 25 but she has a problem with sharing and wouldn't agree to the 25 way.  She was telling us about the day she collected her exam results back in June 2006. She had studied hard and done really well. As she opened the envelope with the results in it, she was punched in the face for no apparent reason. As she told the story, I remembered that the first time I became disillusioned with the world was on 06/06/06. Coincidentally, I first heard Bon Jovi after watching The Omen on 06/06/06 at 6.66pm after discovering the strange birthmark on my head. I  have since found out that Justin Bieber's haircut like all emo haircuts, is carefully designed to cover the part of the head which reveals the owner of the haircut to be the anti-christ. Therefore it has come to my attention that 06-06-06 + Bon Jovi +Justin Bieber = the coming apocalypse. Luckily, Candy Sweetcheeks as well as being a hairdresser is also an ordained priestess of the church of the latter day Chuck Norris Fan Club and we all know that members of his church have spiritual access to his strength and the ability to live forever. So we know they're strong enough to beat down those satanic emo kids when they finally start to rise and attempt to take over the world. It gave me great pleasure to explain to Candy that the reason she was punched in the face was due to the fact that she was the first person to sport a Justin Bieber haircut:

The effects of Ethanol on the creative process

Scurvy Janes's sister "Ring Worm" Rhonda is doing a thesis on the effects of alcohol on creativity. It just so happens that Thirsty Dave is a man who consumes alcohol at fairly regular intervals and also happens to be massively creative so he's the perfect candidate to help her out with her studies. We need to stress that It's good to mock does not condone the constant drinking of copious amounts of alcohol but it does seem to work for Thirsty Dave. Here's two personal ad's he recently wrote, one while sober and one when not quite so sober:

Sober Ad

Non Sober Ad

To each his own

Lots of people say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and lots of people are right when they say it. Thirsty Dave likes a woman who gives off a certain whiff of alcohol. This is because it reminds him of what he holds dearest in life. Sugartastic Daddy John likes a woman who doesn't understand how marriage works. This is because he likes to marry as many women as possible and if they don't understand the concept of marriage as we know it, it leaves him to marry away to his hearts content. As Jill Y will testify, I'm partial to a woman with a personality of mocking sensibilities. If you were to ask me what type of woman I don't like, I would tell you without hesitation that I’ve no time for a woman who wears a knitted penis suit. If I was asked to put my finger on exactly what it is that I don't like about it, I wouldn't because it's the protruding part of the suit that I don’t like:

Make it go

A number of years ago, the eclectic collective at It's good to mock could always be found watching Star Trek with the one and only Captain Picard. Jean-Luc was a captain who knew how to get things done, a man with integrity and everything about him had a touch of class. We all gave up watching it at the same time and were trying to pinpoint what it was that made us dislike it all of a sudden. Jill Y put on her thinking hat and it wasn't long before we had our answer. It all went downhill as soon as Captain Spears took over at the helm:

Cause and effect

There's no point in using different words to make the same point so I won't. Decisions have outcomes. Actions have consequences. What we choose to do today has an effect on tomorrow. When Sugartastic Daddy John got married to wife no. 27, he made his new bride very happy. How he has time for the other 26, we'll never know. Thirsty Dave made a vow that he would never drink non alcoholic alcohol. One day his liver will not be happy at this decision but until that day, he soldiers on like a soldier. Jill Y decided to remain in college when her friends went out partying night after night. She's now a Scientist and knows lots of big words. Han Solo and Luke Skywalker were talking about signing a contract and the decisions they made that day effected their futures in very different ways:

Pride in the name of religion

A massively wise man once wisely said:

"If people learn to hate, to truly hate Bon Jovi, they will then learn to truly appreciate real music by real bands"

I'd like to say that that massively wise man was me because it was and therefore I will - "that massively wise man was me". I'd like to say that I've said something as remotely profound as that since then but I haven't. The only other proud thing I’ve ever done is to provide an explanation of what religion is to 5 year old Little Dill Y:

It’s all in the preparation

Jill Y's nickname is Einstein, not after the famous dog from Back to the Future but some guy called Albert who apparently was a German-born theoretical physicist who discovered the theory of general relativity. What I'm trying to say is that she's one smart cookie and rarely says anything stupid. I, on the other hand am so stupid that I recently threw a rock at the ground and missed. And so it was with great amusement that I listened to her casual remark that all babies are cute. I laughed so hard that I nearly spilled my beer so I stopped the car, put down the beer and laughed some more. We all know that some babies are born with massive heads and are anything but cute. The conversation then moved on to Thirsty Dave's mate 'Dubious' Dan Hegarty who was selling a new shampoo which Jill Y reckons might just work for those babies with massive heads:

Q. How long is not a long time? A. The amount of time Scurvy Jane will probably last in her new job.

Scurvy Jane has had quite a few jobs. She tried her hand at being a hand model but the fact that she has scurvy didn't really work in her favour. Her next job was in Sales where she attempted to sell teeth to Gummi Bears. For some reason she never talks about that one. Yesterday she decided to become a Psychic. So far she's had a 50% success rate. She predicted the world didn't end yesterday which was spot on but she also predicted that Jill Y's sister couldn't do the ironing while in work. She was 100% wrong with that one:

 

 

Ken's kin can't do what Ken can but Ken's kids can can-can and Ken can't.

My mate Ken "if anyone can Ken can" Cantwell, is a uniquely talented individual. He acquires things that other people can't acquire. The problem for Ken is his kids. Ken's kin can't do what Ken can but Ken's kids can can-can and Ken can't. Because Kens kids can can-can and Ken can't, Ken cannot connect with his Kids. I think you'll agree that this is a terribly sad story. The day before yesterday, Sugartastic Daddy John asked me to stop talking about Ken and I granted his wish. I never said I wouldn't discuss the piranha zipper on Jill Y's jacket though:

Crushed by the wheels of attraction

As it's St. Valentine's Day we thought we would share our recollections of our first crush. In a somewhat surprising outcome, we were all 11 or 12 when it happened. 


Sugartastic Daddy John's first crush was when he was 12. He was getting his hair done and a dude walked by with the kinkiest afro imaginable. As soon as he laid eyes on the fro he had an erection. To this day Sugartastic has some of the most far out, frizziest of funky hair.

Thirsty Dave was 11 when he made his first batch of home brew and the day his first batch was ready for consumption was the day he has his first crush. Word of mouth is a great advertisement and before long people came from afar, eager to sample the fine brew. One of the strangest things about the concoction was that rather than drink it, people put it in the engines of their cars. NASA bought up an entire batch and it was responsible for one of the most successful rocket launches yet but I'm not allowed to talk about that so we'll move swiftly on.


Scurvy Jane had her first crush when she was 12. It was a sweltering hot day and she had a drink of orange juice for the first time. She talks of a tingling sensation throughout her body. Jill Y tells me that women get the same sensation with the use of toys and on occasion, men.


Jill Y was 11 when she had her first crush. She read about vibrational frequency of diatomic molecules. Enough said.


My own story is fairly boring in comparison to the rest of the collective but in the interest of fair play, I'll briefly tell you about it:

Clockwork

Some things happen like clockwork. The pub opens and all of a sudden we have the disappearance of Thirsty Dave. Sugartastic Daddy John meets a nice girl, falls in love and gets married – so far he has 28 wives. Jill Y swears that she only uses the time machine for the benefit of humanity however Bon Jovi still exist. Another thing that’s been happening a lot lately is the strange disappearance of empty boxes. One moment the place is full of them and Thirsty Dave is casually writing on them. The next moment the boxes are gone and so is the thirsty one:

The post of Bernadette

Bernadette over at iwasntbloggedyesterday has seen it fit to give us a Lol award. For this we are massively thankful. There are some conditions that go with the award but Thirsty Dave has disappeared and we have to go and see what pub we can find him in so we hope Bernadette doesn't mind too much if we're a cheeky bunch of little mockers and we don't do our duty. As a thank you, Bernadette gets her very own individual post. 

The state of the world as we know it

Q. Is there any type of voodoo you do to U2 to shut Bono up?

A. We don't know.

This is just one of the many things we don't know. If you've come here looking for a discussion on four-handed dentistry, you've come to the wrong place - this much we do know. We also know that times are tough. When those totally believable emails which normally tell you that you have just won €8,000,000,000 in the lottery are now claiming you have merely won €750, 000, you just know things are not looking good. Yesterday at lunchtime we figured out what's gone wrong with the world. Jill Y and I were in a local bookshop and were looking in the 'humour' section. There was a small section of about 100 books on the subject. The 'War' section was close by and there were roughly 200 books. Using the basic maths skills we possess, this meant there was twice as many books on war as there was on humour. I don't know about you but I'd much rather read 'Life before and after Monty Python' than 'The Art of War' but maybe that's just because I'm a pacifist. And so began the afternoons debate on the state of the world as we know it. Parents, grandparents and crazy people are fond of telling us that things were so much better back in their day and sometimes I think they might just be right:

Bon Jovi – The insomniacs dream

Today we begin with an inspirational tale. For years and years I've been praying to Hypnos - the Greek god of sleep and it's now starting to pay off. I just have to hear a fraction of a second of a Bon Jovi song and I'm immediately sent straight to sleep, thank Hypnos. Talking about inspiration, the advancement of solar power in recent years has been working wonders in so many different ways but what exactly is solar power and how does it work? I'm glad we asked that question you'll be glad we answered it with the aid of the following images with words:

Fact or Unfact? You decide

We like to think we're an impartial bunch of mockers at It's good to mock. Sure, we have our views which are always right but that's just the way it is. You know our feelings on the lack of talent of Bon Jovi, our fear of nuns and the sound of no hands clapping so there's no need to repeat any of it until the next time we need to bring it up. More than likely, this will probably happen tomorrow. Today we would like to present some impartial facts. When we've done this, we'd like you to go away, consider them and arrive at a conclusion. The most important part of the exercise is that you go in with no pre conceived ideas and simply let the facts speak for themselves. Are we ready? Here we go then:

Hot Stuff

This is more than likely not going to make us millionaires so I think we're safe enough sharing the idea with you. Jill Y is a Scientist and gets to work on some pretty cool secret stuff. Nobody believes she invented a time machine and if nobody believes it, it leaves us to get on with the our main objective. I can't exactly tell you what the main objective is but imagine there was a band called Bon Jovi. Now imagine you detested this band with every fibre of your being because the so called music they produce is a banal, colour by numbers, mundane attack on the aural senses. Now imagine you had access to a time machine. It would probably occur to you that you could go back in time and remove all traces of Bon Jovi before they actually became Bon Jovi, thus improving the world and making society a better place for generations to come. As I mentioned earlier, Jill Y's latest invention is probably not going to be made into a film like that guy who invented the hula hoop but I think it’s a good invention she’s come up with. Imagine a hot knife. Now imagine a really hot knife. Now imagine a really, really hot knife. As I said, it may not be a totally groundbreaking idea but I can see at least one practical application for it:

Oh no, the woe of Joe made Joe so low. How low could Joe’s woe go?

Sometimes we do something because we want to and sometimes we do something because we're forced to. Unfortunately I can't really think of any examples of what I'm talking about. This is probably because I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about. I do know that a man by the name of Joe Winiecki was forced to make a change. Some say the poor man will never get over it but I'm optimistic that with a lot of professional help and guidance, he may one day return to some semblance of normality:

The gospel according to Bill Y and Jill Y

And so we come to this inevitable juncture. It was always going to happen but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. Little Dill Y is 5 years of age but he’s very mature and goes on like a 6 year old. Jill Y has taught him about gradualism and punctuated equilibrium, theory of Karl Fischer titration and metabolic acidosis. I’ve taught him about The Simpsons, how to download fart apps and how to stick a straw up his nose. It’s time to teach the little guy about the Jesus and God thingy but we have different ideas on the teaching materials to use.

Jill Y favours: 

I favour:

The word according to the book it’s written in

It's general election time in Ireland and one party who have been bestowing on us the virtues of recycling have so far pushed 46 different leaflets through the door advertising their policy on, wait for it… recycling! While lot's of printing companies having closed due to the recession, all but one party have been getting their printing done at knockdown prices - outside Ireland! I'll try not to use any more exclamation marks for the rest of the post. Many politicians have knocked on the door selling their visions of the future. This morning a different type of salesperson came to the door and he had a rock solid sales technique: