Bad, Good and Excellent

A wise man once said

Bon Jovi are to music what Paris Hilton is to education

That wise man was me and it’s just one of many wise things I’ve said. I don’t claim to say wise things very often but every once in a while, I accidently say something as wise as a wise owl who woots away to his hearts content, safe in the knowledge that he’s a wise old owl. Speaking of inheritance tax, I wasn’t. Thinking of inheritance tax, I was. I was also thinking about flying saucers but that’s not really relevant to what we’re talking about right now. A good question would be What the hell are we talking about right now? I’d be lying if I said I knew the answer. I’d also be lying if I said I knew how superglue was made.


Sugartastic Daddy John returned from one of his legendary nights out. I asked him how it went and he told me in his own imitable way that it started off as if it was going to be bad but a little later it became good and then it became excellent:

Some words are not as good as others

We're not big fans of the Irish playwright, essayist, and pamphleteer, George Bernard Shaw, preferring the more lucid writings of the Irish novelist, dramatist and screenwriter, Roddy Doyle. If for some reason, you are not picking up the implied sarcasm of the above sentence, please ask yourself the following question: why am I not picking up the implied sarcasm of the above sentence? Could it be that Shaw's Noble Prize for Literature in 1925 is in anyway comparable to Doyle's immortal line from The Snapper "I suppose a ride's out of the question?" In the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter which writer you prefer. What is important is that you follow these tips to avoid alligator attacks:

Give a man a drink and he'll drink it straight away but give a man an art degree and he'll never go hungry

Two of Thirsty Dave's drinking companions had finished a hard days drinking and were as hungry as a hungry hungarian hunger striker who hadn't eaten for a long time. It was the early hours of the morning and they headed to the only fast food joint that was open. When they got there, they were horrified to learn that the only part of the establishment that was still serving was the drive through. They were faced with a serious dilemma. They had a huge dose of the munchies but neither was in any fit state to drive. That coupled with the fact that neither of them actually had a car or could drive, only made matters worse. Then they remembered that little known saying "Give a man a drink and he'll drink it straight away but give a man an art degree and he'll never go hungry"

Sometimes you can’t see what you’re looking for because it’s on your head

In our role as super cool parents, Jill Y and I like to encourage little Dill Y in everything he even thinks about doing. There are exceptions of course and like all 5 year olds, he changes his mind all the time. Recently he wanted to be Santa Claus, Jesus Christ and Barney. A quiet word later and he knew that 2 of them don't exist and that there's only one Barney. He has some interesting hobbies. When he gets in from genius school, he heads straight to Photoshop and mixes people from different races, together. When we ask him why he does it, he tells us that the world would be a better place if all people could harmoniously exist side by side, regardless of their race. Sounds good to me. At first we were scared to give him a scissors but he learned at an early age that scissors are for cutting up pictures of Bon Jovi and nothing else. His latest hobby is bird watching but something tells me, he hasn’t quite got the hang of it yet:

Right your wrongs

Scurvy Jane sits on the fence so much that her address should be 35A The Fence, Fenceville, Fenceland. If you were to ask her how much she hates Bon Jovi, she would probably tell you that she neither hates them nor does she wear an 'I heart Bon Jovi' t-shirt. The scurvy one has always lived with indecision but lately she's been hedging her bets. Although she's not a great fan of religion and the concept of sin, she's began to wash herself in sin removing products

Cats the way to do it.

We seem to be on a roll at the moment. Everything isn't going wrong like it normally does and we found a radio station that promises not to play Bon Jovi. As the self appointed Patron Saint of Mockers, I instructed the collective to use this time constructively and learn about cats.

Jill Y  took a paws from whatever it is she actually does, to ponder Why Cats Paint:

Little Dill Y explored the feline rhythmic expression of art:

I looked into the slightly less known cat world of cosmetic accessory, head coverings: 

Thirsty Dave’s Intervention

Things were getting totally out of hand with Thirsty Dave so we decided to have an intervention. Apart from drinking during his breakfast, lunch, dinner and tea, he invented 7 new times to have food during the day and guess what? He drinks during all theses mealtimes too. His friends came to try and talk some sense into him. Sugartastic Daddy John told him he would send the boys around to "resolve the issue" unless he gave up drinking. Scurvy Jane went to school with him and  decided she would go down the emotional route. She told him that he was her best friend, she couldn't live without him and if didn't stop drinking, he would drink himself into an early grave. I'm not one for wasting words so I simply told him that alcohol is not the answer. The sarcastic son of an alcoholic, only went and answered me back:

Blasts from the past

Jill Y is one of those sentimental girlies. She remembers what she was wearing when we first met though that's not too hard to do, considering all prison uniforms are the same. She still has the glass from the first drink she threw over me. To this day, I'm still not sure how I offended her. If it's a crime to ask to sleep with a woman and her sister, than I suppose I'm somewhat guilty. The other day, she showed me the first poem I composed for her and I must admit, a part of me did became a bit nostalgic:

When I was younger, I was a Mommies boy

I've always been different to the other kids and when I say 'different' I mean, not the same. I don't know what it was but when I was a little mocker, my friends were interested in climbing trees while I was interested in climbing pyramids. It didn't matter how hard I looked but I never actually found a pyramid. It turns out Ireland isn't well endowed in pyramids. My parents would make me a sandwich and I would dismantle it piece by piece and take a bite out of each piece. When asked why I was doing this, I told them that each individual item had it's own texture and taste and that I wanted to experience the flavours, one by one. My friends would mock me for this but I had the last laugh because my taste buds became super human and years later I would get a job as a wine taster and that was the 79th best job I've ever had. In my teenage years, I realised I liked words and could use them to convey things. For the last twenty years I've been writing my bible '4 million and 1 reasons to hate Bon Jovi'. I'm a laid back, relaxed type of person who refuses to to let things bother him and when I sought professional help to try and cure my fear of Nuns, I was asked if I had a happy childhood. I had a very happy childhood and was always surrounded by happy images:

The word according to Big Red

I've learned a lot of things from nobody. That's right, nobody has taught me very much and as a result, I know very little. Having said that, there are a few things that I do know. I know that when I pretend to be a robot walking down the street, I get some strange looks from people but occasionally, some people applaud. The people who applaud are usually drunk or tourists who have never seen a robot in Dublin before. I know that Coca-Cola tastes better out of a glass bottle than a plastic one. I know that when you drink Coca-Cola and it somehow goes up your nose, the way it makes you feel is not good. I know that Coca-Cola should be called Coca-Coal because it's the same colour as coal. I know it's not fair knowing stuff without giving back to society so I'd like to help children by showing this picture of Santa Claus with words of wisdom on it:

Demetrius and his way with words.

One of Sugartastic Daddy John's, sister's pimps colleagues, recently found himself in a predicament. Demetrius wouldn't be the type of guy who's good at talking himself out of trouble. He has a habit of saying the first thing that comes into his mind and more often than not, his words don't make a whole lot of sense. Marisa and Demetrius were happy together for a long time but as the poet once said "shit happens". They parted company on bad terms and we all thought they would never see each other again but as a different poet once said "sometimes the world hates you more than it hates Britney". Marisa contacted Demetrius to let him know he's the father of his son, John Thomas Johnson IV. Demetrius was unhappy to the max because he didn't like the childs names. So incensed was he that he claimed he wasn't the father. As is the current trend in these situation, they decided to turn to the one true mediator - television. When on television, Demetrius and his stupid mouth, soon took over and he told how he couldn't possibly be the daddy:

Thirsty Dave offers his own brand of therapy to those with speech impediments

Thirsty Dave is always on the lookout to make some extra cash. He's an entrepreneur par excellence who recognises opportunity where most don't. When he was younger, he had a speech impediment which he successfully managed to cure. I told him that he could probably use his experience to help others who have not been fortunate enough to overcome the condition. Within the hour, he had placed an ad in the local paper. Thirsty Dave is one of those people who wouldn’t harm a fly unless the fly was to try and stop him from drinking his considerable fill. His sense of humour is spot on, though I think his ad may have the effect of annoying some people rather than offering assistance:

The many similarities between me and Bear Grylls.

Jill Y reckons I have a lot in common with Bear Grylls, the youngest Briton to climb Everest until someone younger managed to do it. I've yet to climb Everest but I was the youngest person to ever hate Bon Jovi. When I was 27 minutes old, I hated them for the first time and I can't see the flames of hatred being doused for my next 3 lifetimes at least. Bear spent 3 years in the British Special Forces while I spent 3 years trying to figure out how many i's are in Mississippi. Bear grew up in Northern Ireland and I grew up in Southern Ireland and the similarities don't end there either. After leaving school, Bear considered joining the Indian Army and spent a few months hiking in the Himalayan mountains of Sikkim and West Bengal, Assam. After school, I went behind the bike shed with Scurvy Jane and spent a few months hiding from her parents in places they wouldn't think of looking for me. At this stage you could be forgiven for getting Bear and I mixed up because the similarities are so similar but there's one thing we don’t have in common:

Unclean Alan & Colour-blind Johnny

I don't make a lot of sense because sense is overrated and overstated. I do speak a lot of nonsense and for that I'll never apologise. Purple, barney, dinosaur. Unclean Alan didn't get his name because he didn't wash himself. He got his name because he's a deep down 'n' dirty, underhanded, son of a mother with the manners of an unprincipled Bon Jovi fan's t-shirt. 5 years ago, Unclean Alan told Colour-blind Johnny a lie and to this day, he believes it’s true: 

The Reluctant Advertiser

Thirsty Dave’s neighbour, Handy Andy Anderson is going through the change of life. His wife has slowly but surely been changing him into a grown up. He’s stopped coming out to play with the rest of us, doesn’t drink and now goes to bed at 9pm. Mrs. Anderson has told him that he has to sell his beloved 1995 Nissan but Handy loves that car more than bacon and has up until now, been putting it off. He finally agreed to place an ad in the local paper but I’m not sure if he understands exactly how ads work:


  

Crimes & Misdemeanors & Felonies & Marriages

Fate, destiny, kismet, call it what you like but some things were just meant to be. When Sugartastic Daddy John said "I do" to wife no. 62, little did he know that that night, Sugartastic Baby John would be conceived. The Daddy now has 57 kids and a total of one son. The last time I used the time machine, I visited the future and it didn't look good. The so called music produced by Bon Jovi in the future is even worse than the so called music they produce today. During my visit, I realised my calling in life is to remove Bon Jovi from the realm of consciousness and be accepted as brilliant. Rather than even attempt to explain the story of Cole Hogner and Rayna Kay Eagle, take a look at this:

I don’t think we’ll be multi-trillionaires any day soon

Every now and again, we count our money and realise we haven't got any. It's at times like this that we try and come up with an invention that will make us multi-trillionaires. I gathered the collective, knocked our heads together but somehow I don' think our ideas are out and out winners. Sugartastic Daddy John's idea was to purchase a premises, install a large screen and charge people to watch films on it. He was as happy as a man with B negative blood can be until we told him that the cinema has been around since the eighteenth century. I had to stop Thirsty Dave in his tracks when he excitedly told of his idea of mixing fluoride, tetra sodium pyrophosphate, sodium bicarbonate, triclosan, desensitizing agents and hydrogen peroxide together to put on teeth to make them whiter. He was disgusted when I told him that toothpaste is available in all good tooth shops. I was thinking of something that would be as soft as a pillow but not a pillow itself. It had to be disposable and an everyday product. Jill Y is always telling me to clean up after myself and I thought I hit the nail on the head until I went to the toilet and there before my very eyes was my idea with the very same name that I was thinking of:

Welcome to argument no. 867

It's written in the scriptures that he/she/he-she who mocks Bon Jovi, who really mocks Bon Jovi with all their sarcastic might, will one day be rewarded with music of vibrant melody and rhythm. One day I hope to reach such a plateau where Bon Jovi do not exist. Until that day, I will soldier on like a soldier. I do not now if I'll ever reach my destination but I do know Jill Y and I have reached argument no. 867. This time I was sent to the doghouse because I casually remarked that the FreeBSD operating system had a hell of a lot more going for it than MS Windows:

The mystery of MC Hardly Handsome Harvey and the squeaky sound

We went to see our fifth favourite band 'The Angelic Murderers'. They play a kind of death metal, gospel music with a lyrical emphasis on the months of March and April, 1997. They're a very polished band and before they go on stage, they usually have our good friend MC Hardly Handsome Harvey say a few words to warm up the audience. The lights on the stage were dimmed which is usually the cue for Hardly Handsome to do his thing but there was no sign of him at all. All of a sudden we could hear a loud "squeak, squeak, squeak" coming from the speakers. The lights didn't come on and once again we heard the loud "squeak, squeak, squeak". There was still no sign of Hardly Handsome and I'm not the type of mocker who lets these things happen without finding out the reasons behind them. I finally found the Hardly Handsome one at the bar and then took a picture of the stage with the camera Jill Y got back from the pawn shop and things started to make sense:

Shut up already

Certain products and services become so engrained in daily life that they become indispensable. For many businesses and indeed people who are not businesses, the internet has become invaluable. Some of you crazy kids out there would rather hear a Bon Jovi song than not have access to Facebook or Twitter. Some people text so much on their mobile phone, that the phone almost becomes an extension of their hand. Although technology has enriched our lives in many ways, it's the simple ideas which have the greatest impact. Each day, Jill Y screams really loudly at me. The words she uses are really big and I don't understand what she's saying but I do know "you good for nothing, lazy son of a Bon Jovi fan" isn't a compliment. For this reason, I've invested in a new simple but hopefully effective piece of headgear. She’s into fashion so I’m hoping she likes it and wears it a lot and if I’m lucky and she uses it the way I hope she does, it may turn out to be one of the few things that shut her up:

Sick, twisted and evil.

As parents we all dread the day when our son or daughter comes home and tells us that they believe in something. If you're lucky, their new found faith is in throwing stuff at circus performers. If you're unlucky, they might have found religion and if you're massively unlucky, they might find a religion that throws stuff at circus performers. Jill Y and I always thought that Little Dill Y would reach this milestone when he was a teenager. Little did we know, it would happen before his sixth birthday. When it comes to music, he prefers the sound of vinyl to CDs or DVDs because the groove in the record mirrors the original sound's waveform. And so it was with mouths wide open in disbelief that he came in to us last night and professed his interest in some of the most sick, twisted and evil music out there:

Statements of absolute fact

Little Dill Y has never wondered why women give birth more than men. This is because when he was 2, we told him about the birds and the bees or as Jill Y likes to call it "the creation of a new organism by combining the genetic material of two organisms". He's 5 now and on his next birthday, he'll be 6. Speaking of massively obvious things, each evening when he comes home from genius school, we sit him down and teach him something that's as obvious as a blind man wearing sunglasses with a dog, selling pencils. This was last nights statements of absolute fact:

Believe

Scurvy Janes's stalker, Sci-fi fan Fran has been going through a bit of a crisis of faith so we offered to help. At first we thought it might be a bit tricky because she wanted to believe in God and we're not massive fans of religion at all but thank god we found a solution. It just so happens that Thirsty Dave knows people who know stuff that other people don’t know. The thirsty one offered to help but it just so happened that we didn’t need his help because what we needed was advertised on TV:

It’s good to mock – keeping you up to date with old technology

Technology these days moves faster than a speeding peregrine falcon trying to catch Usain Bolt chasing a speeding peregrine falcon. If you take your eye off the ball, you won't see the ball but why would you be looking at the ball when you should be keeping an eye on the ever changing pace of technology? Because we can't be in three places at once, we sent Very Vain Vera and Big Headed Bertha to a technology conference so we could keep up to date on the latest gizmos and gadgets. We thought CDs were a thing of the past but it turns out we were wrong. The girls made many new discoveries and found a new use for CDs too: