I have a rare disease that will kill me if I accidently hear the so called music of Bon Jovi

Jill Y and I are not married but that doesn't mean we don't love each other. It doesn't mean we do love each either but we can definitely, sometimes be in the same room together and sometimes for up to 2 hours at a time. I recently had a nightmare where I tragically died due to accidently hearing the so called music of Bon Jovi. It was one of those nightmares that was really realistic. That's because I have a rare disease that will kill me if I accidently hear the so called music of Bon Jovi. What was strange was that in the nightmare, I was married to Jill Y and happily married too. So in love with her was I, that I made sure that things were going to be okay, should I accidently hear the music of Bon Jovi and die:

A reading from the book of girls

Today's work of art is being composed from the doghouse and on reflection, Jill Y was probably right to send me here. Little Dill Y came in from school and was upset because he had a disagreement with Nikki Butt, a girl in his class. He and Nikki had become close but today, she was giving all her attention to Smooth Stan Daly and Dill Y felt ignored. I sat down and told him about the birds and bees and then we spoke about women too. I then gave him some reading material. A few moments later, Jill Y seen what I gave him and that’s the reason why I’m sleeping in the spare room tonight:

Sacrifice or continue to suffer

People who don't listen to me, don't hear me. Because of this, we are forced to face the wrath of Icelandic volcanoes. I didn't just wake up one night and decide to be brilliant. I've evolved over time into a Mocker par excellence and people should really start taking heed of my words and chilling those volcanoes out. Last year, I told you what to do and you ignored me. Even though you don't deserve it, I'm going to show you the only way to appease the volcano. The advantages are threefold - the volcano will relax, the music industry will have a brighter future and teenage hair cuts might just have a chance to exist in a world that doesn’t constantly laugh at them

You can teach a dog new tricks but that doesn’t mean that they can then just decide to go and lease an apartment

Jill Y doesn’t like to waste time. When we were teaching Little Dill Y how to talk, we also taught Alsa how to talk. Alsa is Jill Y’s dog and in the beginning, she sounded a little rough but before you could say “Mr. See owned a saw and Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw”, she was barking out Shakespearean sonnets and began to become quite independent. She decided it was time to move out so she called someone who was leasing an apartment and was looking forward to getting her own place. I had to ask Jill Y to have a quiet word with her and let her know that the move was not on:



 

Thrifty Scurvy Jane

Scurvy Jane is a fan of free things. It doesn’t really natter what it is, if it’s free, she’ll take it and say thanks. Not too long ago, she faced a choice – borrow 300k from the bank to buy a new place to live or remain living in her own imagination which costs nothing. She chose the free option.

 

Recently she acquired a squirrel in a wheelchair. To make matters even  better, she got a free bonus and that just made her as happy as a baby in a topless bar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Staying on the animal theme, her next acquisition was of the canine variety. Again she was over the moon but there was something about this one that made me nervous. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I had a vague notion that dogs and cats are not too fond of each other. This coupled with the fact that she had just been given a free kitten sent alarm bells ringing in my head.

 

 

 

Because she got this stuff free, she didn’t mind spending $15,000 on a second hand product:    

 

 

It’s good to mock - answering the questions you don’t ask

Today a young lady stopped me and asked if I knew where “the car shop” was.

 

There’s a few things you should know about the collective at It’s good to mock. We crave situations which allow us to talk nonsense, we’re incapable of giving a straight answer to a question and we don’t know where “the car shop” is. I toyed with sending her on a wild goose chase but there were no wild geese in the vicinity so I decided to give her a break and told her I didn’t know where the shop was. I did however tell her that I knew how magnets work, how 3D glasses work and why we have earwax:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s good to mock – helping you make your own decision by doing what we tell you

We rarely mind our own business at It's good to mock because minding your own business is boring. Armed with this philosophy, Jill Y and I have been carefully influencing Little Dill Y’s musical taste. It’s important to us that he makes up his own mind about things but we were bored so we thought we would try a little experiment. When he woke up this morning, I was wearing my ‘Bon Jovi are to music what Ryanair is to customer service’ t-shirt. The screensaver on his laptop exclaimed “I, Bon Jovi’s hair apologise for the irreparable damage I done to the ozone layer in the 80’s”. A mysterious new dartboard appeared with the faces of the members of Bon Jovi and the little guy had great fun throwing darts at the talentless faces. We then offered him the choice of listening to two pieces of music. One was Bon Jovi and one was not. He chose the correct piece of music though I told Jill Y that his choice may well lead to some underlining issues that need to be addressed:

 

 

 

Mac v PC – There’s only one winner and that winner is Little Dill Y

As long as Little Dill Y expresses himself in a creative way, his mother and I will continue be happy. He’s 5 now and the other day he came and told us he wanted a Mac. He gave us many of the reasons why a Mac is better than a PC. When those 6 hours were up, we applauded him for making such a compelling case and we both agreed that Apple make far superior computers than Microsoft or any other company. We also told him that Apple products are more expensive and that we’re as broke as the country that borders Bulgaria, Albania and Turkey. Next of all we hear “but Uncle Thirsty Dave uses an Apple and Aunt Scurvy Jane uses an Apple and I’ll never figure out how magnets work on my PC”. We told him that that was nonsense and he could continue his studying of magnets on his PC. He sulked for ages and then, all of a sudden his expression changed. He went to the kitchen, returned a few moments later and told us in no uncertain terms, that he wanted a Mac. Because he expressed himself so well, we decided we would get him a MacBook for his next birthday:

 

 

Television News–It’s like the news but on television

Thank gods for the news and thank gods for television news. Believe it or not, even the current affair junkies at It’s good to mock, can’t always be aware of global happenings. It’s at times like this that we turn to television news and our favourite is CNN. CNN doesn’t mess about with minor issues such as recession or global warming. CNN focuses on the real issues like the story of Binwen. Binwen is a rice farmer from China and damn good at his job he is too. His father was a rice farmer as was his father before him. Yesterday morning, Binwen was working away in the hills when all of a sudden, a bag of rice fell over. If it wasn’t for CNN, we would probably never have been made aware of the incident at all. It turns out the stock market remained calm but things could of turned out so different:  

Protecting our son’s interests is what we’re all about

We haven’t had to go out and buy condoms for a while. That’s because our 5 year old gets them for us. Little Dill Y enjoys the mass attention he gets from Jill Y and I and isn’t too keen on anybody stealing his thunder. I don’t quite know how it started but we’ve developed a cool father/son, non verbal agreement. I give him extra pocket money. He keeps some for himself and spends the rest on ensuring there’ll be no little brother or sister for the immediate future:

Extracting the fact from fiction

It doesn’t take a genius like me to state that the state of the economy is bleak to say the very least. With this internet thing, it’s possible to access facts and figures which leave us in little doubt as to just how bad things are. The problem with accessing this information is that we often get massively conflicting views and sometimes it can be hard to extract the fact from fiction. For this reason, we need to turn to the truly unbiased – the children who will inherit for generations, our problems of today:

Music soothes the savage little brat

When Little Dill Y was littler, he somehow got it into his massively confused head, that he could be bold whenever the mood hit him. For a while we allowed him to live with the delusion but Jill Y soon got bored and decided it was time he learned to behave. We like to do things our own way at It’s good to mock and this usually involves achieving our goals with a degree of creativity that Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech would be proud of. We thought about reprimanding him by stopping him from doing what he likes to do most -  tearing pages out of the bible but that would have been too easy. We considered making him listen to Bon Jovi continuously for hours but no son of mine will ever be put through a torture like that while I’m on this planet. I then remembered some music that Sugartatstic Daddy John gave me and as soon as we played it, an almost angelic nature came over him:

Impossible? With us, there is no impossible

They said it couldn’t be done but they were so, so wrong. It’s highly doubtful that God exists but if  he/she does and he/she loves a trier, then he/she must love us to the max. In our humble opinion, what we’re after achieving is even bigger than the discovery that Bon Jovi lack even an iota of talent. On a scale of 1 – 10, this ranks as a 12 in terms of difficulty. There are those who give up before even trying and our achievement today will ensure that we’re forever known as legends. Thirsty Dave celebrates his 30 something birthday today and doesn’t even have a clue that we’ve only gone and got him the batmobile:

Bringing up (dog) baby

Thirsty Dave has been asking a lot of questions lately. He usually only has one question and it’s usually directed at the barman. He’s taken a keen interest in parenting even though he has no kids. He especially wanted to know how our son, Little Dill Y, became so smart. We told him it’s due to his strict diet of hatred for Bon Jovi and his 5 year old life’s work in trying to figure out how magnets work. The thirsty one started taking notes and Jill Y and I didn’t ask him until last night, why he, all of a sudden became so interested in parenting. He told us that the new off-license had a ‘no dogs allowed’ sign outside and he loves bringing his dog with him when he stocks up on alcohol based products. It turns out he’s been making his dog smart by applying the same principles as we use on Little Dill Y. We thought it sounded a bit strange until he showed us the fruit of his labour. He only went and taught the dog a trick to get around the ‘no dogs allowed’ issue:

Sometimes you can focus too much

When it comes to alcohol based beverages, Thirsty Dave is a connoisseur. He can tell you the amount of alcohol in a drink, simply by reading the information on the bottle or can. His brain is a large database of useful and useless facts relating to his specialist chosen subject. He can always be found logging on to drink related sites and consumes vast amounts of knowledge. Jill Y and I went to visit him last night and although we both admire his sheer dedication to learning, we think he may be becoming somewhat anti-social:

Never trust Thirsty Dave with anything that involves anything

Nobody knows how or why it happens but once or twice a year, Thirsty Dave miraculously becomes sober. I personally think it has something to do with having no alcohol in his veins but that’s just an uneducated guess. If you happen to meet him during one of his rare moments of clarity, he actually makes sense and communicates in an almost human fashion. Sugartastic Daddy John thought it might be fun to see what he was like when he was given some work to do. The Daddy asked him to look after one of his shops for an hour, while he went for a bit of lunch. As he arrived back, he immediately knew he had made a mistake as there was a less than inviting sign in the window:

That dreaded moment when the Student becomes the Master who sarcastically puts you in your place

There are defining moments in a father/son relationship – the first time you sit down to talk about the mechanics and good consequences of intercourse through reference to easily observed natural events, the first time he comes home and tells you why he hates Bon Jovi and the first time he figures out that believing in a god is akin to believing in Big Foot or indeed a big footed god. Little Dill Y is 5 now and we’ve visited the above scenarios when he was 3. Each afternoon, when he comes in from genius school, I set him riddles designed to test his cognitive skills. As a reward for solving these complex quizzes, we allow him to sleep. The plan was going according to plan until last night, I set him the following task:

You’re task today is to figure out how magnets work?

I was tired and mistakenly used ‘you’re’ rather than ‘your’. The clever little brat wasn’t long in letting me know of my mistake but I suppose he was creative about it so I shouldn’t really complain:

I need to take a picture of my boss, the next time I ask for a rise

Jill Y has always loved animals. Her favourites are cats, dogs and fish and her least favourites are Politicians, racists and Bon Jovi fans. As a Scientist, she gets to work on some secret experiments. She sometimes brings her work home with her and I spend many a sleepless night trying to figure out what she’s actually doing. Last week she invented a special camera and without knowing why, I was asked to gather three cats and a dog together for a picture. When she took the picture, it all became clear. The picture actually showed us what one of the cats was thinking:

Sugartastic Daddy John is rarely in fowl humour

There’s just no talking to some people. Sugartastic Daddy John changes his mind more often than he changes his wives. The last time we checked, he was on wife no. 38 but that was last week and we’d be surprised if that number hasn’t increased by now. Last week, he was eating turkey when all of a sudden he decided he didn’t want turkey so he decided to bring it back to the shop for a refund. The only problem was that he had it half eaten. When the manager of the shop told him he couldn’t have a refund because he had cooked and half eaten the product, he asked for half a refund. Believe it or not, this didn’t work. Never one to accept defeat, he placed an ad in the shop window of the shop next door but I have my doubts about his chances:


 

A rainy day in our world of little

We don’t have any money. We’re broke. We’re as broke as as a joke that has no money and will be paying back the bank for its next 4 lifetimes. It wasn’t long ago that we could afford things like hope and dreams but that was then and this is not. If there’s one positive thing that’s come out of all of this, it’s that we’ve learned to use our creativity to come up with creative ways to save non existent money. Jill Y was taking Pebbles for a walk last night and it was raining. Rather than go to the dog clothes store and buy him a raincoat, she fashioned a fashionable garment to keep him dry, out of nothing but an empty Fanta bottle:

1 horsepower = 745.699872 watts but I haven’t a clue what that actually means

I’ll just come clean and admit it – despite what you might think, I’m not great at everything. Sure, I’m great at most things but Math’s, how magnets work and fixing cars are just way over my head and I just knew that one day, this would come back to mock me. The word on the street was that one of Jill Y’s new colleagues was massively sarcastic with a deep hatred of Bon Jovi so I arranged to meet up with Ms. Y and her new friend for lunch. The word on the street was right. This lady was wearing a t-shirt with my favourite Oscar Wilde quote ‘ Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go’ and I’m going to invite her to join the collective at It’s good to mock. I was driving home from lunch when the car got sick. I know as much about cars as I do about Germanio ovens so I got hold of a local mechanic but he hadn’t a clue what he was doing. I took a photo of the car and sent it to Thirsty Dave in the hope that he might see what was wrong. He was quick to respond but he wasn’t much help either:




To be cont.…

Sugartastic Daddy John - Entrepreneur, par excellence

Never let it be said that Sugartastic Daddy John is not an outstanding entrepreneur, par excellence. Such a legend is the man that he has franchised his latest money making idea out to his friends and so far it seems to be working a treat. When he saw an opportunity in the tourism industry that hadn’t been exploited, he grabbed it with both hands. Maximum respect to The Daddy:

When you get ahead…

I knew I’d lost my sense of humour when Jill Y said to me “you’ve lost your sense of humour”. It was at that precise moment that I knew I had to get it back at all costs. It turned out that it didn’t take long to get it  back and it didn’t cost anything at all. I put a free ad in the local newspaper and it was returned, unharmed and intact. It made me appreciate the power of the free ad but there was one ad above all, that stood head and shoulders above others in the paper that day: