Son, we salute you

We don’t care what the school says, we know Little Dill Y is a good kid. He may have sold the correct answers to the test to the entire class but he’s 5 years of age and we call that entrepreneurism. He may have taken that DJ hostage but that’s because he played Bon Jovi non stop for 6 minutes and when the revolution comes, the so called music of Bon Jovi will be banned outright. The little guy may be gaining a bad reputation but if he’s a bad kid, how come we woke up this morning to find that he had posted these all over town:

 

 

 

Fathom this if you can - and your reward is a slice of squid pie

Of the many, many things we don't understand at It's good to mock HQ, how magnets work, clowns and hula hoops cause us to lose the most sleep. We've come to realise that some things are just not meant to be understood and have slowly but surely, come to terms with this. There are however, two things which will never be understood by anyone. I’m talking of course about the Octopus and that mathematical thing π. The octopus has 6 more arms than I have and seven more than that one armed pirate with a lisp, Jolly Woger. π is some mysterious language that nobody knows. Imagine our disbelief when we realised that the two biggest mysteries in the world had somehow morphed into one:

 

 

Their favourite band was Matchbox Twenty

If you've come here looking for an amusing story, please go away. If you've come here looking to hear how much we detest Bon Jovi, please go away and come back tomorrow. If you've come here looking for the story of a couple who met over a crowded room and became the perfect match, please take a seat. They met over a crowded room and became the perfect match. They soon became the light of each others lives. Lots of good stuff happened but eventually the relationship burned out. Despite the many attempts to solve their differences, the flame eventually died out and so ends the story of our match made in heaven

 

 

Getting to know your audience

It's important that we know who's been visiting It's good to mock. If we know our audience, we know who we’re annoying and if we know who we’re annoying, we sleep like a baby in a topless bar. Lately, there's been a lot of cows dropping by and we don’t know why. Maybe they're learning to speak bad English and we're a prime example of what bad English is. Maybe there's a certain bovine quality that we give off or maybe cows just get our sense of humour. As much as we appreciate the extra cattle visitors, a problem presents itself. Due to the language barrier, we can hardly just go up and ask the cows what they think of the site. That's why Jill Y and I decided to contact the same make up artist that makes Paris Hilton look like a person and before you could say “The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick” we were chewing the cud with our new found friends:

 

 

Happy Hannah Huston

Every once in a while an artist is inspired to create perfection. Today, that artist just happens to be me and that just makes it all the sweeter. Ever since I took those pictures of Jill Y that I'm not allowed to speak of, I've realised that the camera is my friend. I would compare my latest work to that iconic picture of Marilyn Monroe in her white dress taken by Philippe Halsman in 1952. The image went on to become one of the most recognizable of the 20th century and I think my picture is just about to become part of history too. My subject is Jill Y's grandmother, Happy Hannah Huston. Happy Hannah is the happiest, bubbliest, liveliest grandmother you could ever have the pleasure to meet. She's always the life and soul of the party and is always vibrant and ready to brighten up the day. I could go on for ages and way lyrical on the joy of this most exceptional of joyous people. Instead, my picture speaks for me:

Beware of the sign

Dog -  man’s best friend or animal to be aware of? The question is as old as a rock that’s 4,800,000,000 years old. If you’ve ever been bitten by a dog, you more than likely wouldn’t have enjoyed it. Your natural instinct might be to bite the dog back but please be aware that a taste for dog is only one step away from a taste for people and cannibalism tends to be frowned upon in polite society. Some people think dogs are born evil, like Walt Disney or Hulk Hogan’s kids. At It's good to mock, we believe dogs become evil when they come into contact with the films of Walt Disney or the kids of Hulk Hogan. If you own a dog and are concerned that it may react a bit strange around people, you could always put up one of those ‘Beware of the dog’ signs:

Excuse me but there’s just no excuse for this type of behaviour

Pictures and words go together like love and marriage and divorce and marriage. What you are about to see is not a picture with words but words within a picture. When you see this, you’re probably going to think that there’s something inherently wrong with Thirsty Dave. We wouldn’t blame you for thinking this and you won’t be the first nor the last to form such an opinion. The thirsty one was born with a special gene that makes him do what he’s not supposed to do. Yesterday, he went into work and within seconds, the special gene kicked in and he misbehaved to the max:

One moment you’re discussing Nun worshipping Paris Hilton fans with your son when all of a sudden, out of the blue, you find God

I'm not a spiritual person but I do have faith. I have faith that one day the music of Bon Jovi will stop and hopefully this will happen in my next 5 lifetimes. So there I was, minding my own business, teaching little Dill Y how to tear pages from that book of fairly tales about the new testament and the old testament. He's 5 now and usually asks questions about the big picture. The other day he asked how his mother always finds the credit card even when I hide it in another country. I told him that some people are born with talents like the ability to understand Maths, others have a talent for Mocking and his mother wants to buy shoes so much that she is constantly at one with the credit card and there is simply no hiding it from her. Last night he asked me if the concept of hell exists and I told him that hell is being trapped in an elevator with Nun worshipping Paris Hilton fans, sporting Justin Bieber haircuts. I was getting ready to go on an anti religious rant when all of a sudden, out of the blue, without any warning, I found God but there was something about those numbers on his reg plate:

If you ever want to judge a book by the cover, this is the time to do it

There are people in this world who are quiet, unassuming, gentle natured souls. Then there's Scurvy Jane. The scurvy one is just your regular, one in a 6,775,235,700, vitamin deficient lady who's not afraid to say what she wants, when she wants and she wants to say it a lot. If you were to chat her up in a bar using any kind of cliché or standard line, she wouldn't give you the time of day. If you were to chat her up in a bar and proceeded to give her 57 reasons why you don't like Bon Jovi, you would have her undivided attention and after spending some time in her company, you would start to see the laughter in the most mundane situations. Not everybody 'gets' her and she has no problem with that at all. She's highly sarcastic and very quick to mock those in her company and to those who don't know her, she could easily offend. This is not by choice, it's just that her sense of humour is not to everyone's liking. I always tell her that she should write a book because the things she comes out with are as unique as they are hilarious. I was delighted when she said she would finally put pen to paper. She hasn't actually started writing yet but she has come up with a cover for the book:

Back Seat Driver

Thirsty Dave laughed as if he heard something funny. What he heard was anything but funny for what he heard was the so called music of Bon Jovi. At the same time, Sugartastic Daddy John was starting his new job. When I asked him why he was dressing up as a car seat, I had no idea what he was doing but his answer made some sense. The Daddy is now in advertising and his job is to drive around town dressed as a car seat. The more people who spot the 'car seat' driving around, the more publicity the car gets and the happier his employers are:

Thirsty Dave displays a remarkable display of strength

Thirty Dave is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet, as long as you don’t take his drink away from him. The last person who tried to separate the man from his beer was his old teacher Mr Hardiman, RIP. Some people have a sense of humour that defines their personality. The thirsty one has an unquenchable thirst which defines who he is. He’s a man who devotes quite a lot of time to charity and is often to be found at benefit nights, fundraisers and generally anywhere that has a bar. For some reason, he’s never really been employed for more than a week at a time. Yesterday he started a new job as a train conductor and it was all going well until his boss told him he couldn’t drink on the job. He took the news surprisingly well and we were massively impressed that he waited for the passengers to get off the train before he vented his frustration:

Hardly Handsome Harvey could hardly move his hands

When Hardly Handsome Harvey, woke up that afternoon, he just knew it wasn't going to be a good day even though things had been going quite well for him. He had just got a promotion from having no job to having a job. He had just finished co-writing ‘376,987 reasons to hate Bon Jovi Pt.1’ with me and he had recently realised that there’s more chance of a team of goats winning the World Cup than the existence of a God. Looking ahead, the only negative thing that was going to happen was his impending marriage to Scurvy Jane’s sister, Ringworm Rhonda. We were heading out on his stag night and he had every reason to be  nervous. The last stag night we had was for Sugartastic Daddy John’s 32nd marriage. To this day, nobody knows exactly how it happened but we managed to visit 6 countries in the one night and The Daddy is not welcome in Liechtenstein any more. Due to several legal proceedings, I can’t really go into much detail about what happened that night but Hardly Handsome was afraid we were going to strip him naked and tie him to a tree but he had nothing to worry about. Striping people is below us and we have the picture to prove it

Massively confused man is massively confused

When it comes to being right about stuff, we’re generally 98% wrong, 1% half right and 2% massively confused. Yes, we’re mathematically challenged at It’s good to mock and that’s just the way it is. When I was supposed to be growing up, I was always told that if you can't say something good to someone, you should distract them while you tell them they're as useful as a blind guide dog. Thirsty Dave doesn’t subscribe to the same school of thought and has no problems telling people they’re useless. When Jose Pacheco left his fake id at our place, the thirsty one couldn’t help sending him an email with just a hint of sarcasm:

I didn't just wake up one night and decide to be brilliant. In my previous life, I was Albert Einstein's abacus

Even the brilliant sometimes have doubts. We sometimes wonder if we’re bringing up Little Dill Y properly. Because he’s a 5 year old genius, we teach him about the important things in life like quantum physics, climate change and Bon Jovi hatred. He’s really into writing at the moment and is writing 4 books. I’m not allowed to read them until they’re finished but he did tell me the titles of them: How not to know nothing about nothing, Man finds God and loses him again, A man laughed at a man crying at a man and last but by no means least, I like chips. It’s hard to know if we’re good parents although we recently went to visit Scurvy Jane’s, sister’s kid and compared to her parenting skills, I think we’re doing okay:

Tell me not to do something and I will not, not do it.

Hindsight is as valuable as knowing what’s going to happen before it happens and looking back now, the signs were there for all to see. Sometimes we fail to see the very things that are right in front of us. One small action, one single movement, set in motion a chain of events that caused me to be stung in the neck by a very angry hornet. I can remember the event as if it happened yesterday. Maybe that's because it did happen yesterday. I was looking at a flyer that was stuck to the window of a local shop. For no apparent reason, I took the flyer down and that was the very moment, the painful incident occurred:

Sugartastic Daddy John was up the creek without a paddle or a canoe but some creative thinking soon saved the day

Until someone invents a device consisting of a circular canopy of cloth on a folding metal frame supported by a central rod, for protection against rain, I'll continue to get wet when it rains. It's written in the scriptures that he/she/he-she who mocks Bon Jovi, who really mocks Bon Jovi with all their sarcastic might, will be rewarded with music of melody, rhythm and harmony. If the scriptures are to be believed, I've a serious amount of good music to look forward to. Sugartastic Daddy John is a forward thinking individual. He recently found himself in a situation that would have got the better of most of us but ‘The Daddy’ loves a challenge. He began coaching a rowing team but due to cutbacks, they had no money for a boat. Rather than swim away from the job, he had a word with one of his associates who acquires things by less than legal methods. He then made the boat invisible and continued doing his thing:

Jill Y doesn’t believe a word out of my mouth. Well, I hope she’s hungry because when she sees this, she’s going to have to eat those words.

It’s good to see my parents happy. They just received an email from a man who told them they won $35 million in the lottery. How lucky can two people be? And to think, they didn’t even enter the lottery and they still won. They just need to send their bank details to that Prince in Africa and he’s going to wire the funds straight to their account. Things are looking good for me too. I told Jill Y I saw not one, but two, two legged cats minding their own business and she didn't believe me. This is the very the reason why I bring a camera everywhere:

Thirsty Dave and his acquaintances use words unknown to the sober

When Thirsty Dave is non sober, he speaks a language known only to himself and his non sober acquaintances. To the rest of us looking in, it's like walking in half way through Inception after listening to The Dark Side of the Moon backwards while watching The Wizard of Oz after a bottle of Absinthe went absent. The thirsty one’s friend Victor, asked him to place an ad in the local newspaper. Victor makes as much sense sober as he does drunk which makes as much sense as walking in half way through Inception after listening to The Dark Side of the Moon backwards while watching The Wizard of Oz after a bottle of Absinthe went absent. We’d love to tell you what the ad was about but we never studied linguistics and even if we did, we doubt if it would have helped:

A brief history of Scurvy Jane

The internet is full of things that people want to know about like the Bermuda Triangle, the 24 hour Le Mans race and how magnets work but what about the stuff you don’t want to know about? Where can you find information about synchronized eating, how to fall off chairs successfully and Bon Jovi? The answer, brothers and sisters is obvious – you look on the internet. But what about Scurvy Jane? Very few people know or care about who she is and where she’s from. Well, she’s a vitamin deficient lady who lives across the road from It’s good to mock HQ. She’s little Dill Y’s Godmother and a long time friend of the family but how did she end up with scurvy? Well, her Mother used to sell oranges for a living. She had a unique sales technique and was quite successful at what she done. If she was alive today, she probably wouldn’t appreciate the irony of her daughter having scurvy:



To be cont..

The tarnished reputation of Thirsty Dave

When people look for a word to describe Thirsty Dave, the one word that pops up more than any other is 'cheap'. I personally think that's a little unfair. Sure, the thirsty one has never bought a round of drinks for anyone other than his own split personalities but that doesn't mean he's cheap. It's just that he needs alcohol in the same way as Angelina Joile needs to adopt kids from African countries. While famous people and Bon Jovi constantly remind us of the charities they give money too, out of the goodness of their hearts, Thirsty Dave quietly campaigns for pubs to remain open around the clock and he doesn't ask for recognition for this tireless work. No, he just keeps on bothering lobbying those who can change the world for the better and there's nothing cheap about that at all. Having said that, Jill Y reckons you can tell a lot about someone, by the books they read. If that's the case, maybe I’m wrong and maybe everyone else is right and maybe he is cheap:

Little Dill Y isn’t buying what you’re selling, unless you’re selling cookies.

For as long as I’ve been brilliant, I’ve been very brilliant. It’s a burden I have to live with and live with it I do. Lately, there’s been a lot of people knocking at the door, selling everything from the supposed antidote to Bon Jovi to the supposed ability to attain a level of contentment where you can exist in a world, oblivious to the miserable sound of Bon Jovi. Brilliantness is hereditary so Jill Y and I had a chat with Little Dill Y and asked him to come up with a way of making sure the salespeople stop knocking at the door. He came up with a sign to put in the window which wasn’t bad but you can kind of tell he’s a 5 year old:

I’ve changed with the times

When I was younger, I wasn't as old as I am now. Things were simpler back then and for some reason I was always punctual. Back then, my favourite saying was “he'd be late for his own funeral”. These days my favourite saying is "I hate Bon Jovi". Lately I've been late for everything and people who know me can’t understand how much I've changed. I was talking to Scurvy Jane about it and she seems to think it started happening since we got that new clock:

My experience with the human brain–A cautionary tale

I have issues. I have serious issues. I have serious issues with the human brain. If you think for one moment that you can trust the human brain, I have news for you - you can't. I used to be like you, all trusting and understanding but I soon learned the hard way that I was being led up the garden path and I don't even have any idea how I even ended up on the garden path. The human brain and I met at a young age and the relationship we had was one of mutual hatred for Bon Jovi. We spent all out time together and got to know each other really well. As we grew closer, we developed a bond and after a time, the bond grew stronger and stronger. Soon we were inseparable and went and done everything together. We opened a joint bank account and the future looked sweet. We used to confide everything in each other until one day, out of the blue, the communication breakdown began:

The sad tale of how Noisy Nancy Nugent became Noiseless Nancy Nugent.

Jill Y's neighbour's, Nephew's, Niece, Noisy Nancy Nugent, used to be really happy until she stopped and by stopped, I mean died and by died, I mean ceased to exist and when I say she ceased to exist, I mean she was no longer on this plane of existence. The plane she was on crashed and by crashed I mean collided with the earth and by earth I mean this planet and when I say this planet, I mean this big green thing we all live on and when I say all, I mean all except Noiseless Nancy Nugent. If there's one thing she was fond of, it was breakfast cereals. We'll all miss her so much but not as much as the Cheerios will:  

If you don’t laugh at life, it will kick you in the head and that kick really hurts

Don't ever let anyone tell you that man eating sharks are not dangerous. Other dangerous things that you might not be aware of include shopping in places that are not online - too easy to get lost in the shop and online dating - Svetlana the 21 year old model from Russia is really Dave, the 68 year old founder of the Scottish Batman Fan Club whose hobbies include hanging out in naturist resorts wearing nothing but a cape. The most dangerous thing that can happen to anyone is to lose their sense of humour. if you wake up one day and your sense of humour has passed on, make sure you give it a decent farewell: