Thirsty Dave becomes massively confused

Thirsty Dave became massively confused Thirsty Dave this weekend. Drink related stuff, he’s really good at but computer related stuff is not really his thing. There’s more chance of him understanding how magnets work than understanding how to work a pc. The connoisseur in him wanted to learn about the optimum temperature for brewing beer so like anyone else, he went on to Google. Little Dill Y decided to play a little trick on him so as soon as he launched his browser, he was met with the most challenging of questions:




To be cont.…

Starry, starry night, paint your cake blue and grey

I’m not sure if this is a tradition in other countries but each Halloween in Ireland, we have Barmbrack. This is a fruit loaf of sorts and tradition dictates that various items are baked into the loaf. You need to be careful when you’re eating it because you might just be the one who finds the ring and if you do, this is supposed to signify something or another. Although we like tradition at It’s good to mock HQ, we’re very much a forward thinking collective and always attempt to embrace tradition and add a twist to it. That’s why, each year on a totally random date, we celebrate the work of Vincent Van Gogh by baking a cake in his honour. You need to be careful when you’re eating it because you might just be the one who finds the ear:

For the sake of the puppy, please don’t leave your child unattended

Sometimes, something happens faster than a bank manager turning down a loan application. We spent the day looking at colleges, not because we get a kick out of looking at colleges but because we need to make sure Little Dill Y goes to appropriate college. Some might say that it’s a bit early to be choosing a college but he’s 6 now so it’s about time we started checking out colleges. We decided to take a break and go for a coffee and asked the girl behind the counter if she knew what the strongest coffee in the world was and if we could have a couple of gallons of it. We had our eyes off the little guy for 2 seconds and when we turned around he had a drum on his head, a puppy under his arm and was jumping up and down screaming obscenities that even his Mother didn’t understand. It was one of the most surreal things we’ve ever seen and just couldn’t understand what was happening. Then we noticed the sign behind the counter and it began to make as much sense as 67 cents – 67 cents:

In the name of the insole, the tongue and the holy heel

100% of Jill Y’s favourite things are shoes. One night, I woke up to get breakfast and thought I saw her praying to a shoe but I was mistaken, thank shoe. There she was, minding her own business, knitting shoes for orphaned penguins when all of a sudden she decided to take up a new hobby – shoe exfoliation. Realising that the local library might not have many books on the subject, she logged on to Google and typed in ‘shoes’ but somehow ended up on Google Russia. Not content with the results from the site, she went out and adopted a penguin:

Like the Beta version of your favourite program, this joke is unstable

It’s probably best if we apologise before we start because when you see this, you’re either going to laugh so much that it hurts like the interest rate of your mortgage or groan so much that it hurts like an interest hike in your mortgage. The clever thing to do, would be to blame the boy but he’s already responsible for every bad thing that I’ve ever done and he’s only 6. In an effort to do the right thing, I’m only going to partially blame him for this one and tell you that it was his idea in the first place and not mine. I did however encourage him because that’s what parents do. Some people are the bearers of bad news and some are the bearers of good news. I’m not sure where this ‘joke’ belongs but we don’t want it so here, you have it:

Heil Bieber

Ignore what we say at your peril boys and girls. We’re not going to lie to you and say we’re usually right when 9 times out of 10, we usually haven’t a clue what were talking about or even if we’re actually talking at all. Even the massively confused person with a hammer and nail, sometimes hits the nail on the head. And so we arrive at the rare occasion where we’re right about something. Those of you who have memories, remember things and some of you may remember the fact that we told you on several occasions that Justin Bieber was and is bad news. Because we’re not intelligent enough, we can’t even explain what’s wrong with this picture but there’s definitely something wrong with it:

Dodgy Cabs require dodgy drivers

Thirsty Dave is not as happy as a monkey with a peanut machine. He had his heart set on working for a new outfit – Dodgy Cabs. All his dodgy friends are working there and they have nothing bad to say about it. Actually they have nothing good to say about it either but a job is a job. The thirsty one picked up the local paper and there before his very eyes, was the very ad for the very job. He excitedly began reading but it wasn’t long before his dreams were as shattered as a glass object that falls to the floor and is shattered. He has a good driving record but just didn’t have the dodgy past, they were looking for:


 

Sugartastic Daddy John–unrelated to elephants

Before we finish, lets start at the beginning. According to his own imagination, Sugartastic Daddy John is one ferociously funny, fashionista of funkalicious fascination. Although part of this is partially true, the only person who ‘gets’ Sugartastic Daddy John is Sugartastic Daddy John. A dude who likes to coin a phrase, I recently asked what his least favourite band was and he said “Bon Jovi make me as sick as the many millions of people who died of the bubonic plague in the 14th century”. From those succinct words, we gathered that he doesn’t like Bon Jovi but that’s only because he’s a man of good taste. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if he’s funny in his own head or funny in the real world because:


 

October 32nd–Thirsty Dave’s day of abstinence

Welcome to one of the rare occasions where we don't mention how much we don't like the so called music of Bon Jovi. Every year on October 32nd, something unusual happens. We're not talking about a minor incident like the Super Bowl or the World Cup. What we’re talking about is an event so big that it’s bigger than big and larger than large. What we’re talking about is the one day of the year when Thirsty Dave gives up beer. That this day is not a national holiday is something we’ll never understand. There isn’t one day in the year when Bon Jovi don’t create bad music. If there was, we would celebrate it and throw a fancy dress party. Instead, we throw a fancy dress party in honour of the thirsty one’s momentous achievement. This year, Thirsty Dave came to the party dressed as Ironman:

Sometimes racism is the answer

A working class hero is something to be but a multi millionaire lazy son of a mocker is something to strive for. When I wasn’t big, I was small and had no money. Now that I’m big, I’m no longer small and still have no money. Our prize asset is Little Dill Y – our 5 year old genius. If you’ve ever wondered what the difference is between a 5 year old and a 5 year old genius, you’ve come to the right place. A 5 year old can be asked a question like: What do we call the science of classifying living things? He might answer: Taxonomy. A 5 year old genius can be asked a question like: What do we call the science of classifying living things? He might answer:

It’s good to mock but it’s even better to blame your 5 year old kid on stuff

What we do at It’s good to mock is not exactly rocket science practiced by rocket scientists. Pictures and words go together like love and marriage and divorce and marriage. Our modus operandi involves writing a few words and then showing a picture. If by some statistically unlikely event, the words or the picture contain something resembling humour, we sleep like a hibernating bear in a forest of hibernating bears. Like a good Bon Jovi song with any semblance of originality, this rarely happens. Today might not be one of our best days but we’re going to lie and tell you that this piece of art was created by 5 year old Little Dill Y, in the hope that it might lessen the complaints:

Thirsty Dave goes legit and sells to the pirates

Thirsty Dave has been accused of a lot of things. Being a good worker isn't one of them. Don't get me wrong, he's a good worker but his particular skill set, lies in drinking beer and employers just don't appreciate an employee who insists on drinking on the job. That coupled with the fact that his last job was organising AA meetings didn’t help. The thirsty one has tried his hand at numerous jobs from beer delivery man to beer promotions where he would dress up as a beer outside a brewery and attempt to act sober. His latest gig involves selling pirate encyclopaedias. He's on commission but for some reason, only ever sells one particular book: 

Why does it always rain on me?

Thirsty Dave’s brother, Hungry Stan was telling us that he’s the unluckiest mocker you could ever have the misfortune to meet. Bad luck follows him around the way Manchester United fans follow Manchester United. One afternoon, the hungry one was in the park, engaging in two of his favourite pastimes of sitting down and eating food. The sun was shining all around when out of the blue, it began raining directly behind him. There was no rain anywhere else except for the shower behind his back. So familiar was he with this type of bad luck, that he never even batted an eyelid and continued munching away regardless:  

Desire drove Dwayne insane with pain but his moustache came to save the day

When Dwayne was 22 years old, he had his hair cut. He was massively unhappy with the haircut and as an act of rebellion, he grew a mullet. For the next twenty years they became as inseparable as man and mullet became one and the same. What the mullet didn’t know was that for those twenty years, Dwayne had harboured ambitions to return to the haircut of the past and ditch the mullet. No one knows exactly how or why the next sequence of events occurred. What we do know is that his moustache looked exactly like his old haircut and he somehow found a way to live with the mullet AND the haircut from the past:

Ivana the Inventor

Ivana the inventor is an unusual 36 year old individual. A lady with a guarded past, all that’s known is that she spent the first 18 years of her life in a pram and the next 18 on a bike. A self proclaimed inventor, at the moment she’s inventing time travel, a cure for Bon Jovi and most impressively of all, she’s inventing a way to help me understand how magnets work. For her very latest creation, she’s drawn from all her experience of life in the pram and life on the bike to come up with a method of keeping the rain off cyclists:

Please be aware of wedding invitations by penguins

We don't claim to know very much because we don't know very much. Because of this, we rarely find ourselves in a position to offer advice. Today that changes so listen and learn. A penguin invited Jill Y to a wedding in Antarctica. She couldn't afford to go but she did send a present. She wasn't happy when she received a thank-you note via email rather than by regular snail mail post. To make matters worse, the spelling mistakes were really bad. This is because penguins never proofread. Jill Y was so bothered by this, that she wanted to share her experience with as many people as possible. Don't say you haven't been warned:

Deputy Sugartastic Daddy John and the case of the vehicle, stopping at mail boxes

Sugartastic Daddy John is insisting we call him Deputy Sugartastic Daddy John. We went to sleep last night and everything was as fine as the literacy level of a 5th grader. When we woke up this morning, he had somehow become a deputy. Nobody knows what happened during our sleep and nobody cares. Certain people were put on this planet to be a success and Sugartastic is one such person. He has a magic touch and everything he touches turns to Google shares. A man with the investigative skills of Sherlock Holmes, he’s only gone and solved the mystery of the vehicle, stopping at mail boxes:

Today will be remembered as the day we found a new and powerful ally

We’ve been trying to get a national day of remembrance to commemorate the day that Bon Jovi gave up making music. The main problem we have is that Bon Jovi haven’t actually given up making music yet but we’re a collective of focussed individuals and we won’t give up until our dream is realised and we make the world a better place for the children. Today we turn our attention to a different animal altogether. During a conversation with Jill Y about the lack of reading material on the internet for baby jaguar’s, we realised that there is indeed, a lack of reading material on the internet for baby jaguar’s. We couldn’t figure out how nobody had even attempted to reach out to this demographic. We also couldn’t figure out if we had an even a basic grasp of what ‘demographic’ means. I went up to the first baby jaguar I saw and we had a conversation about the lack of reading material available on the internet. I asked him to put his paw up if he and his friends were interested in joining our campaign to stop Bon Jovi making music and we immediately struck up a mutual beneficial working relationship:

The closest shave a man can get

Sometimes life makes you feel so useless, worthless and little. Little Dill Y is 5 now and is on target to becoming a genius before his 6th birthday. Like all 5 year olds, he reads thermonuclear fusion, designs apps and works as consultant to Justin Bieber’s hair stylist. When he was two, he founded the first and some say only, Bon Jovi Un-appreciation Fan Club but the first rule of the Bon Jovi Un-appreciation Fan Club is: un-appreciate Bon Jovi. The second rule of the Bon Jovi Un-appreciation Fan Club is: rejoice in the un-appreciation and rejoice aloud. And so, we come to the most humiliating question a 5 year old budding genius can ask his not so bright father:

Dad, how do magnets work?

It was as if my whole world decided to cave in and go and watch Bon Jovi of it’s own free will. There’s no way I’ll ever understand how magnets work, in this life or the ones that follow. I looked at my son with a look of someone who’s just been asked how magnets work but is as confused as George Lucas is when he decides to make Star Wars prequels. I knew this day was going to arrive but didn’t think it would happen so soon. There was only one thing to do and it had to be done quickly. Whilst he was looking at me and I was looking at him with the eyes of a man who was massively confused, I showed him a picture of what his dog would look like, dressed in a suit and he smiled like only a 5 year old can smile, when he’s just seen what his dog would look like in a suit:

Love and marriage go together like custard and the economic principles of individual decision making.

Rumour has it that I’m not as brilliant as you think I am. If I was, I would be able to change the conversation when Jill Y brings up the topic of marriage. When she mentions the M word, she gets so excited that it’s hard to ignore her though I do a good job of trying. I haven’t seen her this excited since she accidently found out what country I hid the credit card in and went on a shopping spree that accidently turned the house into what looks like a shoe warehouse. I know she loves me and I love her and she loves shoes and I love trying to count the amount of shoes she has but I need to sleep every six days and never finish counting them. If you were to gather up all the receipts from the shoe buying and weigh them, they would weigh approximately the same as the population of China. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration, they wouldn’t weigh approximately the same as the population of China but definitely a large part of India. It's as if she’s memorised ‘a billion reasons to get married pt.235’ and just randomly throws them at me when I sleep, in the hope that they’ll somehow seep into my consciousness. Little does she know that I’ve used my Jedi powers for the greater good and learned how to put myself into a trance when she mentions the M word. In this pensive state, I pretend there is no Bon Jovi and the world is such a better place for it. Last night though, she put up the greatest argument yet for getting married. She was talking about how happy, married people are and used the example of Scurvy Jane’s neighbours, friends, neighbours, friend and the look of contentment on her face on the day of her marriage:

Scurvy Jane didn’t become a Dermatologist for this

Scurvy Jane came across an ad for a career in the fascinating, fast-paced, lucrative pudding business. In all the ad's she had looked at that day, none had said 'start immediately' but this particular one did. As she read the details, it stated that you needed to be a college grad and the scurvy one had recently qualified as a Dermatologist. She slowly weighed up the pros and cons and decided there and then, that she was not going to apply for the position. There was just something about it, that got under her skin:

The Poop Shop

Have you ever had a discussion with someone about pre-owned office products? If you answered ‘No’, please put your pens down and leave the room. If you answered ‘Yes’, please proceed to the next question: Have you ever had a discussion with someone about pre-owned office products and wondered if there was a total liquidation sale where you could purchase same? If ‘No’, thank you for your time and close the door when you leave. If ‘Yes’, here’s your final question: Have you ever had a discussion with someone about pre-owned office products and wondered if there was a total liquidation sale where you could purchase same and then you came across an ad for the very thing you were looking for?

I just know she’s covering something up

The collective at It's good to mock could hardly be described as quiet, unassuming, introverted people. When we have something to say, we're more likely to take out an ad in a nationwide newspaper than have a conversation. We're a tightly knit group of like minded individuals who share a common dislike of Bon Jovi and a fascination with trying to figure out how magnets work. Recently, Thirsty Dave has been bringing his fiancée, out with us. When a group of friends have been together for a long time and a new person joins the group, it can sometimes totally change the dynamic. This has been the case with our new 'friend'. Don't get me wrong, were a friendly, welcoming bunch of losers but there's just something about this particular person that nobody seems to like. We all agree that she's hiding something but can't quite put our finger on what it is. This is not the first time she’ll be married. She was showing us pictures of her previous wedding and Jill Y didn’t like her tattoos at all:

An all consuming relationship

In an attempt to stop drinking copious amounts of coffee, I’ve started drinking copious amounts of tea. I’m not sure if I’m having withdrawal symptoms but weird things have started happening. For years, I’ve been married to coffee and we’ve had a lot of happy times together. When I was down, coffee would pick me up and get me through the day. When I was tired, coffee would step in and help me keep focus and concentrate. One time I went out with Thirsty Dave for a few beers which turned into 85 beers and when I woke up in a different country, coffee was the only thing that enabled me to walk from the cell to the court room. Like a lot of relationships, we started to take each other for granted and I began to suspect that Thirsty Dave was slowly but surely getting hooked on coffee. I just knew that trouble was brewing. This was the start of a downward spiral and before I knew it, he was spending more time with coffee that I was. Coffee and I eventually agreed that we would see other people. I started to spend time with tea and Thirsty Dave began to eat, sleep and drink coffee. This went on for a while but I began to massively miss coffee and decided it was only fair to tell tea how I felt. This is when the weirdness started. Rather than accept things for what they are, tea has declared war on coffee and has began dressing in an intimidating fashion. I know coffee is strong but tea is not going to leave without a fight:

Little Johnny Jenkins and his pedal pushers

Little Johnny Jenkins was anything but little. He stood 35 foot tall and 32 feet taller than little Dill Y. He lived many years ago and was a man who was all ready to reach the heights of success but fate sometimes acts like a spoiled son of a Bon Jovi fan with a temper. Very few history books tell us that Jenkins invented the bicycle but those who knew him often told of his funky footwear that was way ahead of it’s time: