Cash reward, no questions asked

A massively confused man was massively confused. That massively confused man was me. The chocolate bar wrapper blatantly lied and claimed there were raisins within but raisins where nowhere to be found. I wasn’t sure if I should call the police or not, so I did. They were no help at all and said something about no crime having been committed. I was as shocked as a shock absorber, at such a blasé attitude. This world is in the state it’s in, precisely because of lies like this and I let my feelings be known by telling them that this world is in the state it’s in, precisely because of lies like this. I don’t know why but they said I was drunk. I told them I was not drunk but full of alcohol. I asked them if they had any news on the theft of my pet chicken and wasn’t surprised when they said they didn’t so I allowed them to leave and decided to put up more posters:

Viva la homework revolución

The problem with not understanding much is that we don't understand much. We're not from America but we do watch American television. We know who Barack Obama is but we don't know what his "Do your homework" speech is. We presume it's not a speech encouraging kids not to do their homework. Our regular reader from America told us about his kids before and after the President gave his speech. We're not clever enough to know what it means because we never done our homework but some of you might know what it means:

It’s a bird… it’s a plane… it’s the finger!

Some things are best ignored. We call these things Bon Jovi songs. The first time you get the urge to not microwave your head – this should not be ignored. You know you're having a bad day when you look up to the heavens for inspiration and all you get is the same response Bon Jovi got when they asked for talent:

It’s better to have loved and lost.

Jill Y and I love each other as much as the country of Cuba loves free speech. We have lots of things in common. I ask her things and she answers me and she asks me things and I answer her. I asked her why she bought 6,200 pairs of shoes and she told me, it was because she has 6,200 pairs of feet. That was such an unfair answer to give because she know I just don’t understand Maths. She asked me why I don’t like the music of Bon Jovi and I told her it’s because I like good music. We have lots of arguments where she refuses to speak to me for ages. I call these ‘holidays’. Despite what our friends might say, we have a sense of humour and this usually helps us look to the future with hope but if there’s one thing we agree on, it’s the past:

To have or not to have, that is the question.

Just as there are defining moments in the life of those who matter, there are defining moments in the life of a Mocker too. To those who matter, finding a soul mate, buying a house and understanding how magnets work are the main purposes in life. To the Mocker, finding soul music, ridding the world of the music of Bon Jovi and understanding how to rid the world of Bon Jovi are the main purposes in life. Thirsty Dave was recently faced with a massively big decision when he had to decide if he wanted an octopus to have fewer legs:

Non Logical Earology

The Professor of Earological Musicology at the University of Aural Sensitivity is a man of great distinction and taste. So great is his distinction and taste, that he single handedly discovered the recessive gene which is responsible for a love of the music of Bon Jovi. Although this gene happily lies dormant in most people, it is active in a select few obsessive fans. Initially it may not appear as an in issue worth investigating  but further study has shown that a love of Bon Jovi music affects the part of the brain responsible for good taste and excessive hiccupping. The first case study involved Adolfine Schmidt from Bonn in Germany. Fraulein Schmidt, a deaf lady, woke up one morning to the sound of Bon Jovi. In a statement, she proclaimed "Since I was a child, I've been deaf. Now I hear nothing but the sound of Bon Jovi and it is truly a wonderful sound to me but I can't stop hiccupping. A visit to the Professor of Earological Musicology at the University of Aural Sensitivity, revealed that I had the recessive gene which is odd because I was born in Bonn in 1956 when Bon Jovi didn't even exist". When questioned about this phenomenon, the Professor of Earological Musicology at the University of Aural Sensitivity, strapped a strange device to his ears and said "Neh, neh, neh, neh, neh, neh, I can't hear you…..”

Channel Hopper

Communication - it's kind of like explaining something to someone. Scurvy Jane would like to communicate something and I'm afraid it makes for disturbing viewing. She returned to her flat after a day of prayer to Ananke, the Goddess of inevitability, compulsion and necessity for the removal of the music of Bon Jovi from the realm of consciousness. Her apartment had been broken into and she was as shocked as a massively confused bird, landing on a live wire. Sugartastic Daddy John decided to keep her company as she was nervous of staying on her own. There was only one thing stolen and as a way of coming to terms with it as well as serving as a warning to others, she thought she would communicate her experience:

Sometimes your dream job is advertised

We’re not going to lie to you and pretend that we have sense or morals or that we know the difference between right and Bon Jovi because we don’t. We know our limitations and are aware that all we’re really capable of is mocking. That’s why we all went for the same job this week. I think we’re all over qualified but it’s right up Thirsty Dave’s street:

Signs of a thief

Although we're not trained in common sense, we do have a degree in ridiculousness and this sometimes comes in handy. Like Maths or how magnets work, this might be hard to explain but we’ll give it a shot. The story of Little Dill Y so far is that he’s a 6 year old budding genius who will one day become president or even a Maths teacher. He’s as smart as lots of smart grown ups put together in a room with other smart grown ups. Up until last week, his behaviour has been as impeccable as Thirsty Dave’s band The Right On Righteous Revellers Who Are Always Right On but recently his behaviour has been erratic to say the least. He’s started stealing things and I don’t mean his Mother’s sense of humour. He’s started stealing segments of signs. For some reason he doesn’t steal a whole sign, just a portion of it and now his room is full of partial signs. It’s turning into an issue and the local council have started putting up signs, warning of people who are stealing parts of signs:

Don’t come around here spinning your web of lies

If there's one thing we don't like at It's good to mock, it's the so called music of Bon Jovi, bacon flavored vegetarian ham and Bon Jovi fans who eat bacon flavoured vegetarian ham. We're not the first people to dislike Bon Jovi and with our hard work and perseverance, we won't be the last. We're an open minded collective and if you were to have a beer with us, you would either like us or not like us. If you claimed that you were the first person to do something when it was massively obvious that you weren't, we would not be impressed at all. One of Little Dill Y's new friends made such a claim the other day and we were not impressed at all because he just wasn't telling the truth:

Belief will get you so far in life but it won’t send an email

Todays story is not going to change your perception of life. It's not going to enrich your life in any way and it's not going to cure your fear of Nuns. If anything, today's story will probably distract you from what you were doing, long enough for you to do something worthwhile. Sitting here trying to think of a single reason why you should continue reading this nonsense and there simply isn't any. Thirsty Dave was expecting an email from his brother but that email was never to arrive. The fact of the matter was there was no Wi-Fi available for the email to be sent, despite the senders belief to the contrary:

The music of Bon Jovi even makes the nice puppy feel ill

In an attempt to look at things differently, we've started to look at things differently. We're a gullible collective and none more so than Scurvy Jane. Someone once told her that you are what you eat. She then tried to eat Ali Hewson because she admires the work she does, campaigning against third world poverty. Sugartastic Daddy John always sees the positive in people. When he hears the music of Bon Jovi he doesn't immediately feel ill like the rest of us. He uses the music of Bon Jovi as an example to his son of what mundane, uninspiring music is and then he feels ill. Speaking of feeling ill, we played the music of Bon Jovi to a nice puppy and he didn’t feel too good after it:

The kid stays in the vending machine

This might not be a massively interesting story but when I was a little mocker, my folks would always tell me that if I can't creatively say something bad about Bon Jovi, then I should say nothing at all. Rather than remaining quiet, I learned to express myself through Bon Jovi hatred. As I said, not a massively interesting story but the story about the new vending machine in Jill Y's office should at least be equally as boring. The sequence of events were as follows: new vending machine is installed in office, man puts money in machine, machine refuses to work, man kicks and argues with machine but no matter what he does, the goat refused to come out:

The truth behind the lies

Every sometimes, when we're bored and nobody is around, we actually make sense. The fact that nobody has ever been around when this most unusual of incidents occurs, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It just means than nobody has ever been around to witness it happening. We're bored right now but that doesn't mean we're not going to totally astound you with something. Today's news is on a par with the invention of Penicillin in so far as it will probably save your life. We were going to produce an in depth scientific report but we don't actually know what that is so without further ado, prepare yourself for our biggest exclusive since the last biggest exclusive as we uncover the truth behind the lies:

Little Dill Y is only a little grown up

"I'm not saying Bon Jovi are a bad band but they're definitely not a good band", said Thirsty Dave about Bon Jovi. We like to think we're dragging  Little Dill Y up the right way but he's getting a bit too clever for his 6 year old boots - his actual boots aren't 6 years old, he is. Jill Y and I wouldn't be the type of parents that get stressed out about things, preferring to groove our way through life to a non existent James Brown soundtrack. Some Bible preacher knocked at the door and told us that God created everything. He told us he didn’t like Bon Jovi so we invited him in for coffee and Dill Y said to him “If God created everything, then who created God?” We’ve never seen such a massively confused look on anyone’s massively confused face and preacher man made his excuses and left. It was fun at the time but I think that question has had a profound effect on the little guy. He sat down last night to do his homework. He normally loves homework but for some reason, he didn’t want to do his Maths. When we asked him why, he wrote out this explanation:




To be continued…

We may not know how magnets work but we do know something

A diagram is a 2D geometric symbolic representation of information according to some visualization technique. Sometimes, the technique uses a 3D visualization which is then projected onto the 2D surface.

We’re not going lie to you and pretend that we came up with that description because we’re nowhere near as clever as that. Someone put it on Wikipedia so it must be true. Diagrams usually bore us more than the tears that stream from our eyes when we hear the so called music of Bon Jovi. That all changed today when we were presented with a diagram that both educated and also answered one of life’s major questions:

It’s good to mock–educating the masses without classes

Some of you probably don't deserve this. Most of you don't even deserve to be in the same room as this. A handful of you probably think you deserve it but guess what, you more than likely don't. This one goes out to the posse who believe that Mocking should be taught in the classrooms in countries. If you were asked to come up with the greatest things in the world, you would probably say magnets, bacon and magnetic bacon. Multiply how awesome magnetic bacon is by how awesome Hula Hoops are and you're not even getting close to the announcement we have today. This is so genius that it actually borders on mind expanding pointlessness. Prepare to tell your friends and some of your enemies too:

The day the fun stopped

9 times out of ten, we haven't a clue what we're talking about. 8 times out of 9, we can usually cover it up by telling you how much we dislike Bon Jovi. We dislike Bon Jovi as much as Thirsty Dave dislikes not drinking. Jill Y is one of those rare people who not only understands Maths but actually enjoys it too. I know as much about Maths as I do about social housing assessment regulations 2011 and I know nothing about social housing assessment regulations 2011. I remember the first time she told me how to build a lasting relationship because that was the day the fun stopped:

I like to like people who like me like I like them

We're a stubborn bunch of mockers who make mistakes and make them a lot. Every now and again, someone suggests that we should do things the right way. The thing is, if we knew the right way, we wouldn't do things the wrong way all the time and be a bunch of mockers who make so many of those already mentioned mistakes. Jill Y asked me why I liked her, so I told her:




To be cont…

There’s not enough leading roles for horses in today's Film/TV industry

When Jill Y was littler, she had a pony and loved it even though it had bronchitis and was a little horse. Little Jill Y slowly grew up and in what must be one of the most bizarre coincidences since Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction in front of a 144 million watching audience in Super Bowl XXXVIII, the pony slowly grew up too. Jill Y had a supportive upbringing and was told that she could become anything so she became a Scientist. The pony was also told that she could become anything:

Is eating hands good for your eyesight?

We don’t usually lose or suck at anything at It’s good to mock, preferring to rewrite the rules of the game until they suit our purpose, than hold our hands up and admit defeat. Today, that ideology totally went out the window and we doubt if it will ever return. Thirsty Dave, a non philosophical, non sober and non coherent man, once said something interesting. I wasn’t there to hear it myself but legend has it that he used words that day that were understandable to more that one person. There are no words to explain how massively confused we are today and we doubt if even the highly advanced mind of Paris Hilton could get her head around our dilemma. Have you ever looked at two pictures that you know are different and just couldn’t figure out how they were different? If so, you’re not even close to losing the amount of sleep we have lost over this. In the following picture, we know one is a hand and the other is a carrot but which is which?:

Words are the glue which bonds stuff together

Words are great. We use them to express things and stuff. If it wasn’t for words, we would only have actions and despite what you may have heard, actions don’t speak louder than words. They may resonate for a while but words are definitely great for describing things and stuff which brings us to our problem – we don’t know many words. Because of this, we have to re-use the same words again and again and again and again and stuff. Somebody suggested that we should read more and that this will help us learn more words. The only problem with that is that we don’t know many words so we don’t know what we’re reading. It’s like a vicious circle which leads us back to the same things again and again and again and again and stuff . Thirsty Dave knows a band who’ve had a lot of artistic differences lately and have grown apart. Like us, they didn’t know many words and as such, couldn’t express things and stuff but they found a way to patch up their differences and become closer:

Scurvy Jane makes it rain, where there is no rain

In a move as unlikely as a Bon Jovi song with any semblance of originality or interest, Scurvy Jane recently became the proud owner of a new job and by ‘proud’ I’m being massively sarcastic and by ‘job’ I mean she’s doing what she’s told to do, in return for an amount of money that’s = (a sum of money) – (most of that sum of money). I know a job is a job these days and she should be happy that someone, somewhere is somehow confused enough to thinks she’s employable but it is soul destroying work. She gets to walk around a bar all night and drench people with water. The majority of these people aren’t even remotely happy about the sudden, showery onslaught. Most peoples reactions involve a serious amount of rage and disbelief. The scurvy one then draws their attention to one of the many signs, plastered around the joint:

I know you said no but you’re not the boss of me

It’s all good at It’s good to mock HQ. The collective have been learning and experiencing new things. Sugartastic Daddy John has been getting into Buddhism which is befitting of a man of his Zen like qualities. Unconcerned about the minor issues of war, peace and poverty, he solely meditates on the major issue of trying to understand how magnets work. Little Dill Y, like all 6 year olds, is getting into architectural sciography. We decided to remain in the shadows as he studies his subject mainly because we haven’t a clue what it’s about. Thirsty Dave is getting into musical theory and more precisely, the theory and practice of how and why Bon Jovi produce so much mundane, middle of the road music. Jill Y has started to read up on Christianity and I’m seriously hoping it’s only a phase she’s going through. Apparently the Pope says things and some Christians take heed and live their life by what he says:

No sense was made in the making of this

We woke up this morning, as proud as a proud peacock who just sold a copy of Windows Vista for it’s full retail price on eBay. When your 6 year old son decides he has morals,values and a healthy dislike for Bon Jovi, its hard to keep the smile off your face. Exactly where he got the morals and values from, is anyone’s guess but the healthy dislike for Bon Jovi is hereditary in our family and long may it last. The little guy decided to take a stance on on hunters who kill animals for food but he may not have thought the whole thing through: