The signs are there for all to see

For someone who loves the limelight, comes alive in a crowded room and currently makes a living as a public speaker dressed like Lady Gaga, Scurvy Jane is becoming a quiet, withdrawn, unassuming character. This is surprising as she was voted ‘most likely to stalk any 2 members of Bon Jovi and tell them how unbelievably bland their so called music is’. Subtlety wouldn’t be one of her strong points. When she stalked 2 members of Bon Jovi to tell them how unbelievably bland their so called music is, she done it dressed like Lady Gaga and drew nothing but attention to herself. The last time Jill Y told her a secret, she promised to keep it to herself and she kept her promise and did indeed keep it to herself and Facebook and Twitter. In a move that’s as baffling as how magnets work, the scurvy one has only gone and put road signs outside her house in a bid to deter people from visiting her:

Ask and you shall receive

Jill Y and I wouldn't be quiet unassuming people like Lady Gaga, Bono or that great modern icon of our time, Paris Hilton. When faced with voicing our opinion, we're more likely to take out an ad in the local paper than wear a t-shirt. When we see a camera, we usually put the drink down, stop the car and pose like the attention seeking dogs that we are. Lately, we're been stalked by a man who keeps asking us to ask him a question. In the beginning, he used to appear at weekends but now he just follows us around every day, asking us to ask him the question. It used to be funny but now it's hilarious. We were in the park yesterday and as usual, our friend appeared as he usually does. We thought you would appreciate a picture of two poseurs and our friend with his question:

The Economics of Sugartastic Daddy John

There are people in this world who are well balanced, well adjusted and well endowed with common sense. Then there’s Sugartastic Daddy John. Sugartastic wouldn't be the type of person who is regularly in control of his own mind but that’s only because he’s massively confused. His greatest claim to fame is that he single-handedly figured out that Maths is impossible. A successful businessman in his own right, he never talks about his business because that’s his business and his business alone. Always a keen eye for a bargain, he recently became the proud owner of not one but two body piercings at a bargain price:

It’s good to mock–telling you about the latest trend before it becomes the latest trend

Some of you are more intelligent than I am. I say ‘some’ but I mean ‘all’. Let’s start again shall we. All of you are more intelligent than I am. I’ve no problem with this so you should be fine with it too. Amongst the many, many things I don’t understand are magnets, maths and everything else. There’s a certain satisfaction in knowing your limitations and when it comes to knowledge, I always strive for the ground. Lately, I’ve come across something totally new and fresh. So new and fresh is it, that you probably won’t have heard about it yet. The scientific name for it is ‘reading’ and it involves the process of extracting meaning from a written or printed text. I’m surprised nobody else has thought of it yet and have a feeling it might really take off. Yesterday I didn’t know who or what a Hipster was but today I read ‘Hipster Quarterly’ and like a magic trick of magic, I know that I don’t want to know them and should avoid them at all costs:

Scurvy Jane and the case of the message from the Gyna Colleges

Scurvy Jane had the mother of all arguments with her boyfriend and is staying with us for an indefinite amount of time until she realises that living in the same house as Jill Y is more terrifying than George Lucas making another Star Wars prequel. The scurvy one is Jill Y’s best friend and by some bizarre law that I’ll never quite understand, that makes her my best friend too. I’ve been told that somewhere in the ‘best friend handbook’ lies the rule that says I now have to take messages for her. Earlier today I took a message but to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t paying too much attention to it:

Thirsty Dave is one third and the other two are the other two thirds

It was one of those things that was bound to happen sooner or later. Thirsty Dave has tried his hand at everything from selling third hand cars to selling prosthetic hands and has had as much success as a blind cat in a dog pound. He is the master of all he surveys in his own head and is as confident as a bird committing itself to the air or a great fish to the deep. It shouldn’t really be a surprise that he’s joined a band with two of his drinking buddies but if their name is anything to go by, I won’t be heading to any of their gigs in a hurry: 

Scurvy Jane’s serviette serves up directions for home

Jill Y is going out for a drink with Scurvy Jane tonight. I'm not saying the scurvy one is a bad example but she's a bad example. She's one of our oldest friends and I love her like an enemy that you don't hate. She's one unique individual and is as different as a horse of a different colour. She can listen to Bon Jovi and not become mentally or physically sick and that's just plain weird. When they go out for the night, I always worry about them getting home safe although Scurvy Jane has her own little way of ensuring that all’s well that ends well:

Jill Y’s new diet has me in stitches

We’re on a diet at It’s good to mock but we can eat what we want. That’s because the diet we’re on has nothing to do with food. The diet we’re on revolves around Bon Jovi and we’re seeing how long we can go without mocking the poor excuse for the so called music they make. Jill Y recently found out that she has a love for knitting. Like everything else she does, she knits to extremes. Lately I’ve been getting unexpected presents of jumpers, socks and hats and I really appreciate the time and effort she puts into them. Having said that, I really don’t like the new diet she has me on and this time, the diet has to do with food:

The power of negotiation

When Scurvy Jane borrowed €10, 000 from the bank, she negotiated a very unusual deal. Rather than paying back any interest, she agreed to teach the bank manager how magnets work. This may sound like a good deal but nobody actually knows how magnets work so the scurvy one just made up a load of nonsense and the bank manager bought every word of it. It’s the same with Maths – nobody understands it so anyone can claim to be a Maths teacher and teach the subject. Because nobody understands it, nobody can say if it’s incorrect or not. We’ve been trying to get our country to recognise a new national holiday but apparently ‘Dislike Bon Jovi Day’ takes a great deal of legislation before it can be realised. I’ve just returned from a meeting and couldn’t figure out why everybody laughed as soon as I walked into the room. I was really beginning to feel self conscious but they were actually laughing at Sugartastic Daddy John’s dog. I knew I shouldn’t have brought him with me as he usually draws attention to himself:

Man finds the holy grail of beer

Thirsty Dave found the holy grail. Okay, he didn’t find the actual holy grail but he did find the bones of Indiana Jones and the ingredients of the perfect beer and by perfect, I mean cheap and by cheap, I mean he stole it. This made him as happy as a monkey who won a peanut lottery but even monkeys who win the peanut lottery still have to live in the same world that’s polluted by the sound of the so called music of Bon Jovi. To truly understand the many troubles of Thirsty Dave, we only have to look at the first time he accidently heard the so called music of Bon Jovi:

What’s wrong with the world we live in today? This is what’s wrong with the world we live in today.

We don't usually tell you what's wrong with the world because we don't usually care. Someone once said something about something but we weren't listening so we didn't hear it. If there's a Noble Prize for realizing why this Bon Jovi loving world has become so obsessed with something called 'The Kardashians', it should go to someone who deserves it. And so we arrive at place where we accidentally discovered what has got us into this fine mess we live in. If history has taught us anything, we forget it already. Talking about history, Barbie can tell us where we went wrong much better than we can: 

Too cool for cool

Jill Y got a new stopwatch so we decided to see how long I could go without mocking the extremely mock-able Bon Jovi. I must be losing my touch because for 60 seconds, I only managed to mention 56,987 reasons why they shouldn’t even be referred to as a band. We immediately went to the doctor who told me that I had high blood pressure and asked if I had something on my mind. I told him my mind wasn’t sufficiently advanced enough to have anything on it and that I needed to get home as Bon Jovi needed to be needlessly mocked. He nodded at me approvingly, the way a Doctor approvingly nods at his patient and again asked me if I had something on my mind. As he was a Doctor, I decided to tell him what was really bothering me. I told him my life had recently become aimless because I had seen the coolest thing ever and there couldn’t possibly be anything cooler on this planet. He asked me to be more specific and I showed him a picture of Jill Y’s grandmother’s earrings:

Mindless sheep and the remarkable tale of a kid who grew up the hard way

Bon Jovi are to music what Greece is to the Euro. There are certain words that can never be uttered when describing the so called music of Bon Jovi. Words such as 'good, 'interesting' and 'bearable' come to my massively confused mind. It’s easy to feel sorry for Bon Jovi fans because Bon Jovi fans are a select bunch of mindless sheep following the rest of the mindless herd of Bon Jovi fans. And it’s not just Bon Jovi fans we should feels sorry for. We should also feel sorry for something called ‘Selena Gomez’. Ms Gomez had a particular hard upbringing and if we have any compassion at all, we should spare a moment and thank gods that we hadn’t to go through what she had to go through:

The church of Mock–As happy as Larry

To the untrained eye, the life of a Mocker might look like an episode of Kenny Powers but on closer inspection, it’s like a whole series of Kenny Powers. Informing the world that Justin Bieber is just your average teenage pop star and that she should be left alone to enjoy the odd $103.7 million she made last year, gets a bit repetitive and boring. Letting you know that Sarah Jessica Parker is no different to the other horses, takes up a lot of time and before you know it, it becomes a vocation rather than a vacation. As important as it is to mock people, places and Bon Jovi, let us not forget that we also need to mock ourselves. Just as self praise is massively cool praise, self mocking is massively cool mocking where we learn that it’s all about attention to detail. As important as it is to laugh, always ensure you have the last laugh:

 

 

I have given a name to my pain

Talk about luck. Thirsty Dave was the millionth visitor on a website and won a free iPhone and the very same day, he received an email from a Nigerian Prince who is going to deposit $18, 000, 000, 000 in his bank account as soon as he sends him his bank details. I wouldn't be the luckiest mocker you could have the misfortune to meet. I'm about as lucky as the number 13 who breaks a mirror and ends up with 7 years in the presence of Paris Hilton. I'm a man who is troubled with massive pain. It's a pain I've been living with since 1983 and a pain which refuses to leave me in peace. As someone who has never even taken a headache tablet, I've never experienced medication until the pain got so bad that I had to seek the help of a professional:

Questions, questions and guess what? More questions

Sometimes the questions never stop but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Little Dill Y is a 6 old budding genius. He constantly asks us questions like “how the hell can people actually believe that God exists when there’s no scientific proof whatsoever?” or “why do so many people refer to that nonsense that Bon Jovi produce as music?” or “how can Uncle Sugartastic Daddy John have 68 wives when you’re not even married to Mam once?”. One of our favourite things about the little guy is his 6 year old sense of humour. Recently we were in a local store and he took it on himself to start asking questions about the price of the chocolate bars:

 

 

High Praise

If you were to call Jill Y a 'big girl’ depending on how you said it, one of two things would happen. if you had the misfortune of mouthing those words in a way that even came close to insulting, you would need to be able to run away faster than the speed of a Jamaican 100m runner. If you happened to call her a big girl and it somehow happened to come across in a sincere, humorous way, she would smile at you with the smile of someone who totally agrees with you. That’s because she is a big girl:

Heed this warning or don’t

Warning: Never leave your shy, reclusive, tea total cat alone with anyone with ‘thirsty’ in their name.

This is a shocking tale so if you’re in anyway disturbed by the life changing personality of a cat, please leave now and pretend you were never here. Our story begins 19 hours ago in a time we like to call ‘Yesterday’. Yesterday, Jill Y’s cat Puddles was the type of cat you could bring home to your mother. He didn’t drink, never wore sunglasses and wasn’t fat. We left him at home with Thirsty Dave for a couple of hours and now we’ve lost him forever. It’s almost like he’s become someone else:

Natural order was soon restored

We're all massively scared of something. I have this nightmare where I’m stuck in a lift that continually plays Bon Jovi and no matter how hard I try, I just can't cut my ears off. Jill Y is afraid that the global recession will get so bad that designers will eventually stop making shoes. She wakes up every afternoon and goes online to make sure shoes are still available. As a 6 year old budding genius, Little Dill Y didn’t seem to be afraid of anything until Aunt Scurvy Jane joked that God exists. The little guy couldn't handle this premise at all because there's no scientific fact to back it up whatsoever. Sugartastic Daddy John has this fear of his wife leaving him. There's really nothing to worry about because even if it did happen, he can always turn to his other 67 wives and it'll all be good. Thirsty Dave's fear is that one evening he'll wake up and realize he's drank all the beer and this actually happened a few moments ago. Thank non existent God that I had a number for the Beerbulance and natural order was soon restored:    

Senses working overtime

Of all the questions that we get asked at It’s good to mock, the most common one is:

How can you mock someone with a packet of fig rolls?

We thought it was time we told you the answer to this most interesting of questions. Before we start, we must stress that it’s not cool to be cruel but sometimes in a carefully controlled environment, it’s okay to have a little fun at someone else’s expense. It’s a simple game that anyone can play. First you need a friend or family member who has OCD. Next, take a packet of biscuits – fig rolls work best. Remove the fig rolls and carefully put them back in their wrapper, turning one biscuit to make it stand out from the rest. Now, call in your friend/family member, present your packet of biscuits and kick back with a beer to watch the the outcome:

The day Jill Y was finally defeeted

Jill Y wears high heels everywhere. She wears them to work, to Bon Jovi hating class and to the high heel shoe shop to buy more high heel shoes to add to her collection of 2,884 pairs. Money these days is tighter than a photo finish but she can somehow always find the money for her favourite footwear. Last night, she was taking off her shoes and what happened may well put the boot into her shoe obsession once and for all:

The last rites of Granny Smith

As a Scientist, Jill Y’s main ambition in life is to create intelligent fruit. I told her that people already feel guilty about eating meat and now she wants people to feel bad about eating apples and oranges! I just don’t understand her logic at all:

Haters are great

When people ask us if we like Bon Jovi, we always never answer Yes. That’s because we don’t like Bon Jovi. When people ask us why we don’t like Bon Jovi, we read from the, as yet unpublished – ‘345,888 reasons to hate Bon Jovi’ or from the as yet unpublished follow up – ‘The pressures of living in a world that loves Bon Jovi Pt.32’. Occasionally, we get email from Bon Jovi fans and sometimes the insults are more entertaining that Bon Jovi lyrics:

Sometimes I say the right thing but most of the time I don’t

The problem with me is that I'm not someone else. If I was someone else, I wouldn't be me and wouldn't have a problem. When the world constantly laughs at you, there's really only three things you can do. You can either let it get you down or you can laugh back in its face until it starts to become massively confused and leaves you alone. I decided to get Jill Y a present although Í know she'll more than likely, probably like it, I also know I'll somehow end up getting into trouble over it:

First impressions are more important than all the other impressions put together

Second impressions don’t last as long as first impressions. First impressions last longer than a massively confused snail on a return trip through the Serengeti at a snails pace. Jill Y loses her sense of humour more often than sometimes. Last night, we travelled through a strange series of back alleys and front alleys and ended up in a slightly dodgy, secluded location. The place was recommended by an associate of Sugartastic Daddy John’s former cellmate. Our first impression of the place didn’t fill us with great confidence so we decided to turn around and head home: