Plea for help

As we publish this extremely interesting piece of nonsense, there is no medical way to remove the sound of Bon Jovi from the the Bon Jovi fan but medical science is an ever evolving animal so we hope this will change one day and the sooner the better. We don't like to report serious incidents at It's good to mock, preferring to focus on shoe laces, car seats and toxic gastroenteritis. That's why this is not going to be easy. Crime is committed by criminals and we have more time for Bon Jovi that we do for criminals. For one day only and for the greater good of humanity as we know it, please take special notice of this special notice and contact the police if you have any information about this pure evil of incidents:

Take a butcher’s at the new Butcher

My mouth is bigger than Nicaragua and sometimes it takes a restraining punch in the mouth to shut it up. I say the wrong thing more often than Paris Hilton sees a camera. It’s not easy being the new mocker on the block and sometimes it can be hard to make friends but I’ve taken an immediate disliking to the new Butcher. Even the very sight of his place makes me uncomfortable:

The dead criminal doughnut

I searched the app stores but couldn't seem to find an app that tells you when you’re in close proximity to a Bon Jovi fan. It's hard to believe that there's no such thing but there is an app that will fill your screen with the words 'Will you marry me?'. Okay, that's not exactly true. I didn't search the app store for a Bon Jovi Fan proximity app but the marriage app does exist. There’s probably no point in telling you about the woman who married a truck but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t know about the dead criminal doughnut. You probably haven’t heard about this because I haven’t told you yet but there was a criminal doughnut who was chased by another criminal doughnut. Shots were fired, jam was spilled and the investigation is on-going:

Division of wealth

Thirsty Dave isn’t somebody who has been blessed with great organisational skills. A man who has never owned a bank account, he usually hands all his money to the barman and things just fall into place for him. Scurvy Jane recently sat down with him and helped organise things in a more efficient way. It’s good to see the old dog change his ways and put his priorities into perspective:

Some people never grow up and lets hope that never changes

Accidents happen and if we accidentally grow up, we'll seek professional help to get things back to the way they where before the accident happened. It's important to see the world as a child does, full of awe and wonder. Just as Justin Bieber and her fans idolise Justin Bieber, It's good to mock idolises Thirsty Dave, Sugartastic Daddy John, Scurvy Jane and those who are not Bon Jovi fans. While these people may not be household names at the moment, you can bet your bottom dollar that it will remain that way. We were looking at pictures of Baby Thirsty Dave and Grown up Thirsty Dave and realised that he hadn’t changed one little bit:



   Baby Thirsty Dave                      Grown up Thirsty Dave    

The success of Charlie Row: Goalkeeper Extraordinaire

At the end of the day, all crows are essentially the same. It doesn't matter if you're the type of crow who is rich in material wealth or rich in the art of scavenging. You hatch, do stuff and then leave the world to go wherever crows go when they leave the world. This tale is a tale of inspiration about a crow called Charlie Row. Charlie Row, like a lot of crows, dreamt of going to Japan and playing in goal for a soccer team. That's exactly what he did and here he is in all his glory:

The 4 cares of Thirsty Dave

When Thirsty Dave does something, he likes to do it with a degree of originality not seen since George Martin produced Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Once a year, the thirsty one gets to look after one of Sugartastic Daddy John’s shops and put his own unique stamp on proceedings. Brought up old school style on the adage that ‘all publicity is good publicity’, he decided to advertise a beauty parlour in his own imitable way:

That’s the spirit

Doing the right thing is always the right thing to do even when the right thing to do is hard. Thirsty Dave promised he’d take Scurvy Jane to a dermatologist convention and she was really looking forward to it. The thirsty one never showed up and it really got under the scurvy one’s skin that she was stood up. Each year, Thirsty Dave has a birthday and each year we all get him a crate of vodka. We weren’t impressed that he stood Scurvy Jane up so we decided to make a small amendment to this years present:

The game I can’t play

When I was a little mocker, when we played ball, I was never the last one to be picked and I never gave a second thought to the person who was but today that has all changed. Today I realised what it’s like to be left out and it’s not a nice felling at all. Jill Y is allowed to play with Scurvy Jane’s new name but for some reason, I’m not allowed to play and it sucks to be left out:

Thirsty Dave’s cry for help is heard loud and clear

Today's story is a story of a man who against the odds, conquered adversity and ended up getting his wish.We decided it was time for the entire collective to go on holiday. We had been mocking around the clock and needed to recharge our batteries. Deciding where to go wasn't easy but Thirsty Dave wanted to go high up in the rocky mountains because it reminded him of his favourite beer, Coors. To hack a long story short, the thirsty one ended up getting lost and we spent the day trying to find him without any success. Darkness was fast approaching and we were really worried as the night temperature began to set in. Thirsty Dave has always been a resourceful individual and just as the sun was going down, one of the rescue helicopters found his plea for help:

The blackmarket of 1963

This story is unusual in that it's not usual. Thirsty Dave wasn't born in 1963 but he was told it was an unusual year for a variety of reasons. He has an attention problem in that he doesn't listen to people unless they give him beer. The people who told him that 1963 was an unusual year, didn't feed him beer so he fell asleep during the lecture. He does however have one item which explains something about the year in question. He has a catalogue which speaks for itself:

Your happy place

Sleep deprivation doesn't usually affect me unless it's my own sleep deprivation. Other peoples tiredness doesn't bother me at all. Until you’ve been so tired that you have to stop the car, put your beer down and stop looking at your ex's Facebook page, you’ve never been truly tired. To be truly tired, you need to put your head down on the closest shelf and immediately drift off to your happy place:

To succeed in your relationship, you need to win the lotto

Scurvy Jane is the most non materialistic person you could ever have the misfortune of meeting. While the rest of us wax lyrical about what we would do if we won the lotto, the scurvy one doesn’t care about material wealth, preferring to place relevance on personal relationships. Scurvy Jane, I’m afraid we don’t have good news for you today because we have definitive proof that winning the lotto, actually enhances your personal relationships:

Does God have a cake for me?

One man's poison is another man's poison. That's the way poison works. When it comes to being right about stuff, we’re generally 98% wrong, 1% half right and 2% massively confused. Yes, we’re mathematically challenged at It’s good to mock and that’s just the way it is. Like most people, from time to time we ponder the big questions in life and wonder what we’re doing here and if god has a cake for us:

Scurvy Jane and her excess baggage

There’s no way Scurvy Jane is going to come out of this one looking like a nice person so we’re not going to try and sugar coat it like a sugar coated cereal. If you know the right buttons to push, It’s easy to wind the scurvy one up and get a laugh out of her. Unfortunately for him, her last boyfriend wasn’t around long enough to find this out. We were heading to see Thirsty Dave’s friend who owns a pub in Maine and we’re in the airport when Scurvy Jane asked if we liked her new dress. The then boyfriend wasn’t quick enough with his answer. That was the last time we ever saw him:

I’m a man and have yet to attain the superpower of trying to read her massively confused, minefield of a mind

Very often Jill Y will say one thing but will mean something totally different. If for example, I put in a request to leave the house to go drinking with Thirsty Dave and Sugartastic Daddy John, she sometimes says “Yes” but what she actually means is “No, stay in with me and we can have a romantic night in, counting the thousands of pairs of shoes I have”. I’m told this is something I’ll never understand because I’m a man and have yet to attain the superpower of trying to read her massively confused, minefield of a mind. As it happens, newspapers too can say one thing and mean something completely different:

Ctrl, alt and eat

All I want for Christmas is an end to third world debt, a massive reduction in the carbon footprint and an end to the so called music of Bon Jovi but enough about me. Christmas is a time for giving and until recently, I hadn’t a clue what to get for Little Dill Y. The only two things he likes are keyboards and chocolate. As you can imagine, this greatly reduces my options for a present. He already has a keyboard and a bar of chocolate. Imagine then, my delight when I came across something that will feed his appetite for both but I’ll have to get him another one as I’ve sort of helped myself to some of it already:

Thirsty Dave and the restraining belt

Listening to people is not one of our strong points at It's good to mock. We listen to the voices inside our heads but they've got us into trouble before. I can't go into detail but lets just say there was a Ukrainian gymnast involved and it turns out that a restraining order is a legal document. Thirsty Dave found that out the hard way. Speaking of the thirsty one, he recently got a new belt and rarely leaves home without it. It’s started to mold itself around him and has almost become an extension of him. Here’s a picture of a Ukrainian gymnast with the very belt:

Her child is a little animal

Some of you don’t know and most of you don’t care but last year I became the patron saint of Mockers. Today I’m told that there’s a ‘process’ involved in becoming a saint and because I didn’t go through the proper channels, it turns out that I’m not even remotely saintly. As hard to believe as this is, it’s not as hard to believe as the girl who gave birth to a frog:

A fine day ends with a fine

Some stories are really hard to explain. This is some story. In one of the more unusual relationships we’ve encountered this week, Thirsty Dave fell in love with a butterfly. When we first heard about it, we thought they would have little in common but they both have an interest in brewing techniques of the 19th century, the butterfly spends most of her time outdoors and the thirsty one spends most of his time outside the door of the pub, waiting for it to open. After hearing so much about the blossoming romance, we decided to pay her a visit at the local butterfly farm and also take the opportunity to introduce Little Dill Y to one of the more colourful of insects. As soon as we got there Thirsty Dave gave her a kiss and faster than the sound of the speed of light, we were hit with a $500 fine. If only we had of noticed the notice:

This picture is worth much less than a thousand words

Learn to laugh at yourself before others learn to laugh at you or learn to laugh at others before they realise your laughing at them or something. The following sequence of events are fairly straightforward. The day before yesterday, we had a snowstorm and the newspaper published an amazing picture which spoke volumes about society and mans struggle to survive. Last night, we had another snowstorm and the newspaper published a less than amazing picture which spoke nothing about anything:

Thirsty Dave is the type of vegetarian who has 36 steaks a day

Thirsty Dave has been a vegetarian ever since he realised there was no beer in meat. Every day at a certain time, after consuming copious amounts of alcohol, he can be heard speaking in languages nobody can understand but that’s only because he’s drunk. It’s because of the thirsty one and his constant moral stand on not eating meat, that Jill Y, Little Dill Y and I have become vegetarians. Imagine then, the total shock when I went to into his fridge to grab a beer and was confronted with this:

A boys mother is ingrained into his very fabric

A recent study at It's good to mock HQ revealed that the average person has more time for the number 678,98.5 than the awful noise that Bon Jovi insist on calling music. This in itself is not unusual but what is, is that the two people involved in the recent study had more time for the weight of a remote control than answering our questions. Jill Y does a lot of things to embarrass Little Dill Y but she promises she’ll never make him wear a t-shirt with a picture of her face on it. This lady obviously never promised her son the same thing:

Pass the blame and don’t blame me

Karma has a way of mocking you to your face in such a way that you just have to stand up and admit you've been beaten by a better force of nature. I'm always telling Jill Y that she can't cook and yesterday she cooked this amazing meal and I then came down with food poisoning. I'm always telling her that she's a bad driver and today, the car and I decided to go in two different directions. It happened while I drove to the shops to get groceries for her to poison Thirsty Dave and Scurvy Jane who are coming over for dinner tonight. I then done what any self respecting mocker would do and blamed the whole thing on a better force of nature:

The logic of Little Dill Y–Age 6

We wouldn’t be the most conventional of parents but when our son excels at something, you can bet your bailout fund that you’re going to hear about it. Little Dill Y recently fought the education system and the education system won but there’s a school of thought out there that believe he was right: