Free ride in a police car

If I even catch one of you laughing at this, I'll come right over and wipe the smile off your face. I was shopping with little Dill Y who is a 6 year old budding genius. We had just left one of the shops when the shop owner followed us outside and asked the little guy to put back the Bon Jovi CD that he didn't pay for. He turned to the shop owner and told him that nobody in their right mind would pay for Bon Jovi music. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a proud parent as I was at that moment. My son then asked, when he could have a free ride in a police car. For a few seconds I was shocked and confused until I noticed exactly what the little brat was up to:

Thirsty Dave killed 343 kittens in a week

Thirsty Dave went to Russia for a week. By the time he got home, he had killed 343 kittens. In the beginning, we didn't find this funny at all. He explained that Soviet Russia was different to anywhere he had ever been. When he showed us this poster, we realised exactly what he meant:

The single greatest thing ever created

With all the information that’s constantly thrown at us, it's not hard to become massively confused. This is the excuse I like to use to cover up my mass stupidity and it's a good excuse too. Sugartastic Daddy John's business partner, Akiva, is a simple man who likes to get straight to the point. I may be overreacting here but I think his latest ad for a sofa is possibly the single greatest thing ever created:

In years to come, I will publish this post again and again and again and then in 3D

I have a dream. I have a dream where George Lucas finally stops releasing different versions of the same Star Wars films. In the dream he initially refuses but I eventually find a way to stop him:

No smoke without fire

As  a man and someone who has never been a woman, my knowledge of the female mind is limited to say the least. There is a school of thought that believe that the inner workings of the female mind can be explained in a short 75 year lesson but I don't have time for that right now. I do know that watching your partner giving birth is one of life's most affirming experiences. All the doubts and worries disappear as you marvel at the little miracle before you. Here we look back on the worries of something called Melissa Williamson from Bullitt Avenue and her fear about the effect on her unborn child from the sound of jackhammers:

Call it what you want but today, there is no mocking

It’s good to mock but every once in a blue moon, it’s good to step back, put things into perspective and applaud:

The consequences of too much alcohol

Sometimes when two bunny rabbits like each other and have a few beers, they might loosen up, go back to their hutch and forget about using rabbit protection. At least that's what I told Little Dill Y when he asked about this sign:

Santos The Great

Some people do things and tell others about it. Some people like the attention this brings. Some people do things and prefer to keep it to themselves, disliking the attention it brings. Some people do things and are caught between the rock and a hard place of telling others about it and keeping it to themselves out of fear of embarrassment. Santos Paxton could easily be one of these people but he's not and we applaud him greatly for it:

Ultra Thirsty Dave

If I hadn't of seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it. Now that I've seen it, I still don't think I believe it. When Thirsty Dave told us that he was ordering beer from the barman, before he was born, we laughed because we thought it was a joke. The laughter stopped when he showed us an ultra scan of his little self, ordering two cold ones:

My brother and Jill Y’s sister will not be winning Couple of The Year, this year or any other.

I'm not usually good at these things but something tells me that my brother and Jill Y's sister will never be an item. The first time they met each other, there was a definite lack of chemistry:

In case of fire, please get your priorities right

Jill Y spends more time tweeting than Thirsty Dave spends in the pub and Thirsty Dave lives in a pub. Through a series of remarkable coincidences, there has been a fire in the last three pubs that Jill Y has been in. As soon as the fire starts, she is tweeting about it and sharing the news with the world. We're due to visit Thirsty Dave's pub later on and he has decided to leave nothing to chance and make a pre-emptive strike: 

How to take the last doughnut

I remember Friday, January 13 as if it was the 13th day of the year for that was the day I consumed a piece of knowledge so earth shatteringly brilliant that I will never be the same again until I am:

Please just make it go away

I don’t know what this means. I don’t care what it mans. I just want it to go away so here, you have it. All I know is that I’m better off with it. Do with it, whatever you want just make it go:

Perfectly Open Space

Sometimes the obvious is so obvious that you can get carried away with what you’re doing and fail to see it:

Time to be late

The sequence of events are in sequence. I told Jill Y that I've never been late for anything. She didn't believe me. I again told her that I've never been late for anything in my life and she said that within one day, she could change everything and make me late for my Bon Jovi hatred meeting. I laughed at her and told her that even though I had many faults, timekeeping was not one of them. I went to the Paris Hilton appreciation meeting and when I got home Jill Y had a cheeky grin on her cheeky face. She had only gone and got a new clock and there was just no way I could tell what time it was:

We waited 30 min and no service

Thirsty Dave and I were thirsty and hungry. We decided to go and get a burger and a beer. It seemed like we were waiting hours to get served but it turned out it was only 30 minutes. I know this because we left them a message as we left:

Thirsty Dave somehow shies away from the attention

Thirsty Dave was the 1,000000th customer in the shop and won a bottle of champagne and many other bottles of other stuff too. In the normal course of events, he would be over the moon but he just wasn't himself. For some reason, he didn't seem to be enjoying all the attention he was getting:

Pregnant Joan Debusey has an orange baby.

Pregnant Joan Debusey was pregnant. In 1998, she developed a sense of humour, equal in parts to the sense of humour of someone who's really funny. When we heard she was going into labour, we jumped in the car to head to the hospital. Halfway through our journey, Thirsty Dave got a text, telling us that Pregnant Joan had an orange baby. We thought that orange was an unusual colour but  it all made sense when we got to the hospital.

Thirsty Dave is a man who knows how to use words

Thirsty Dave has only gone and done it again. Every now and sometimes, he takes care of one of Sugartastic Daddy John's shops. He decides to sell stuff at a discount and advertises in his own wordy way:

Passport Application

Vincenzo lost his passport and applied for a new one. He went through the  appropriate procedure but for some strange reason, there was some problem with his passport pictures:

Gorilla playing saxophone with balloons at your party

Sometimes you can't see what you're looking for because you're not looking for it. Little Dill Y nearly figured out how magnets work so we decided to throw him a party. All he wanted was a gorilla, playing saxophone with balloons. I know he's 6 and thinks that his dad can do anything but there was no way we could get him what he wanted so I decided to head out to get him a stripper. Who would have guessed, that around the corner from It's good to mock HQ, was the very answer to the little guys dreams:

The Unknown Man

Sugartastic Daddy John's great, great grandfather was known as the 'unknown man' because everything was known about him. He lived in happier times when there was no Bon Jovi, no Star Wars prequels and no Justin Bieber. According to legend, he was a legend. The unknown man had a fondness for library paste and he died as he lived, eating the stuff:

Don’t feed them

According to legend, you should never feed them after dark. Experience has taught me to be careful so I'm not going to feed them at all. It's better to be safe than sorry with these things so I ask you to do the same:

Excuse me Ms. but I have a good excuse

More important than Little Dill Y doing his homework, is the excuses he comes up with, for not doing his homework. Creativity is strong in this one and if I was his teacher, I would give him extra marks for originality:

And they painted matchstick men and a real person too

Not everybody can have the acting skills of Jean-Claude Van Damme or the family name of Wayne Rooney's younger brother, John Rooney. Bon Jovi are the only band who take music and make it sound like an angle grinder playing the bagpipes and for this we are truly grateful. At one stage or another, most of us will be jealous of somebody and the skills they possess. Although this is a human trait, it extends to stick people too: