This book may save your life

Many books promise many great things but they rarely deliver. If you're going to read only one book, make sure you read this one because it may save your life:

Thirsty Dave sticks two fingers up at the man

Some people have a sole purpose in life. That purpose; to stick two fingers up at the man and get in the face of authority from daylight to the opposite of daylight. Thirsty Dave is one such man. As soon as he came across the 'warning, man opening umbrella' sign, there was only ever one thing he was going to do:

If you don’t like lies, please look away now.

There's no need for lies. I can handle anything that is thrown at me but not lies. I just don't see the point in not telling the truth. When my first girlfriend played Bon Jovi for me and asked me if I thought it was the best music I had ever heard, did I lie to her? No I didn't. I told her there was no possible way, I could go out with somebody who classified the sound of a depressed, bagpipe playing cat, overdosing on tuna, as anything even resembling music. I just don't see the point in lying. That's why this freaked me out so much:

Shirley is nervous

Little Dill Y is now 7 years of age and learns about Consequentialism, Hypervitaminosis and Eptorhinoplasty from his mother. It's left to me to tell him about the procedures for downloading fart apps. Unlike me, his vocabulary contains more than 50 words. This is because school encourages him to be creative with words:

It’s good to mock–The place where you learn more than one thing

Never let it be said that It's good to mock doesn't educate and make the world a better place. Today we tell you not 1 but 2 things you don't know about. Feast your eyes on how to resuscitate a drowning cat and also learn what 'centrifugal' means:

Spot the difference, if you can

This one will probably mess with your mind in more ways than one. The following pictures look alike but on close inspection, they're actually different. Take as much time as you need and see if you can spot the subtle difference between the two:

The polar opposite views of the parents we are

Jill Y and I have very different idea of what it is to be good parents. I want the little dude to grow up with friends and to stop being such an arrogant, know it all. Jill Y wants him to grow up knowing it all and to point out the mistakes of the ordinary folk:

Modern technology is a great learning tool

They tell you that school days are the best days of your life but you never listen to them. When I was in school, we learned with the aid of hieroglyphics and wood. Modern technology is a wonderful thing and the kids these days, learn form books with pictures and words:

10% Satisfaction Guaranteed

Thirsty Dave has had 56,992 different jobs. It’s not that he's a bad worker but he’s been the worst worker at the worst worker convention for the past 36 years. Last night he gave up selling square footballs and began selling herbal products. I have a feeling this one won't last too long because he hasn't really grasped how advertising works:

Dolls to love and cherish

Jill Y is a doll collector. I know, I didn't think grown ups collected them either but they do. She recently decided to stop buying shoes even though she only had 567, 998 pairs. Collecting dolls makes her happy and that in turn makes me happy. I collect reasons to hate Bon Jovi and she doesn't interfere with my hobby at all. Yesterday, it was 7 days since she bought shoes so I decided to get her a doll to love and cherish:

Let the robots battle instead

My entire belief system centres on removing Bon Jovi from the realm of consciousness and being accepted at brilliant. This is also the signature I use at the bottom of emails and cheques. Not a religious fan by any means, if it was up to me, I'd put an end to the many wars caused by religious beliefs and let the robots battle instead:

Nothing but lies

Yesterday I was a happy-go-lucky son of a mother and father. Today I am a happy-go-lucky animal who has had his innocence taken away. I believed what I was told, in good faith and never even thought of asking for reassurance. If this world is to be a place where lies like this live, I can’t say I’m going to enjoy it:

There’s money in shoes

I really should have seen this one coming. In times of recession, times are tough and sacrifices have to be made. Thirsty Dave has cut back on the beer and now only drinks when he's awake. Little Dill Y has dropped his pilot lessons and will start them again next year when he's 7. I've had to reduce the amount of Bon Jovi hatred posters I get printed each week. I don't know how I'm going to teach the world without those posters but times are tough. Jill Y has made the biggest sacrifice by cutting down on the amount of shoes she buys and you can already see the savings:

All hail the Artist

Little Dill Y is very much into abstract art at the moment with his chosen tool being paint. I remember the first time we realized he had talent because it caused a degree of pain, not felt since Jill Y gave birth to him:

Evolution gone mad

Barbie has changed and I don't know if I like it at all. When I was a little boy, Barbie was your average career girl with a passion for trying to figure out how magnets work. I understand that things change and that Barbie has evolved over time but when did she become a roast chicken:

I have 675, 876 reasons to dislike Bon Jovi

Jill Y has the same amount of shoes as I have reasons to dislike Bon Jovi and I have 675, 876 reasons to dislike that pitiful excuse for a band. If you were to ask me how I know how many pairs of shoes she has, I might lie and say that I guessed. If I was to be honest, I might tell you that I hacked into her ‘shoe database’. It wasn’t an easy thing to do because she has some pretty unusual security measures but I found a way in:

Scurvy Jane and the horse cock

When Scurvy Jane told us that she was with a guy who had a cock, the size of a horse, we laughed until we stopped. Then she produced the picture to sort of back up her claim:

The teaching of Little Dill Y

Little Dill Y is one smart cookie but he doesn't take to well to subtlety. Jill Y and I have learned that it's best to be direct when we're teaching him about morals, ethics and Bon Jovi hatred. He understands the perils of racism, fascism and now, sexism:

Racist Recycle Bin

I don't know what I work at so explaining it to little Dill Y was never going to be easy. Lucky enough, we recently had a 'bring your budding genius son or daughter to work’ day. As soon as we got to the office, I just knew it was going to be a tough day. It took him about 3 minutes to label the recycle bin:

Are we that desperate that blind dentists are being recruited?

There are three types of people, those who are not afraid to ask the tough questions and those that are students. If I could choose to go back to any time in history, I would choose the year of 2005 for it was the year 2005, when David Wine, Southend-on-Sea, Essex, asked the most important question ever, on the subject of dentistry: